Studying To Be a Woman

      "Why won't you let me be a woman?"  Words I've said many times over the last however many years.  My daughter and some friends of hers were making a video for her YouTube channel last week and I was having such a good time watching them.  She was quizzing them about which one knew her best and asked them to write down her major in college.  (I happen to know it is Family and Consumer Science but I didn't get a point because I wasn't in the game.)  After they revealed their answers, Amy stated "I'm studying to be a woman".  Once again, that got me thinking about all the times I have asked "why won't you let me be a woman?"
     I could go into all kinds of details here.  But would that do any good?   The point is, being a woman is actually something pretty special.  Yeah I know Shania Twain sang about feeling like a woman.   And I love Proverbs  31 where we are told how to be a godly woman.  But what is it to get to be a woman?
     God had someone absolutely amazing in mind when He created woman. God did not create women for men to use.  His design of one man and one woman for life was for real. And for a woman to get to be a woman, a man has to be a man. He must be faithful, caring, loving, a leader, a provider, and present.  When a man is a man, the woman God created for him gets to shine in every possible way.  And that should make that man very proud.
     A woman needs security. She needs to know he will answer the phone. He will be home.  He won’t lie. He won’t cheat. He won’t hide things from her and then blame her when he gets caught.  Being a woman means being able to feel secure.  Being able to trust.
     Women have emotions. For many years I was asked, told and sometimes ordered to not allow emotions. That was tough.  So I tried to hide them most of the time. Sometimes they choked me.  Sometimes they weighted me down. And when I was alone and could let them out, well I just didn’t really know how. That’s not right.  But I’m learning.
     So what does all this mean?  Well, like my daughter, I’m studying to be a woman. Finally. I find myself letting go and trusting others with my heart. I haven’t done that in such a long time.  I’m testing out emotions more and more. I’m learning to feel secure in the love of my family and friends. While my life may not be ideal from the outside looking in, this finally getting to be a woman is a pretty cool deal. There are ups and downs and I am free to experience all of them now. I’m learning to be the me God created me to be. And that’s a good thing!

Freedom

     I confess. I am a Christmas junky. Christmas nerd. Christmas nut. A true Griswold when it comes to decorating.  I used to try to hold off decorating the tree til after Thanksgiving but I gave up on waiting. While the rest of the house is dressed in Harvest decor, the Christmas tree is glowing beautifully across the room from me right now.
     But this year it’s different. After years of confusion and pain, I recently realized how thankful I truly am this year. While I could make a long list of things I’m thankful for, I think I have to say that freedom is, today, the biggest thing.  But, if you’ve read my last three blogs, it may not be in the way you imagine.
     You see it’s not that I’m happy to be free from someone. It’s that I’m happy to be free to live. To truly live.  I guess it seems kinda crazy, but even putting up the Christmas tree, I felt freedom. No pressure. No question if I was decorating it too early.  And I even left off a lot of decorations this year. When I say a lot, I mean like I put on less than half as many as usual.
     It’s like the baggage is gone. The weight is lifted. I don’t have to carry it anymore. And leaving off those decorations revealed that to me. I got to choose to make the tree look just like I wanted it. Somehow it gives me such an amazing feeling of freedom, it’s almost overwhelming. I look at it and it makes me smile. And I can finally breathe!
     Is it really the Christmas tree though?  Not at all. It’s this new life. While the devil is still attacking and trying to steal my joy, it’s not going to work anymore. God has reminded me over and over of the freedom He has planned for me. The peace. The joy.  The healing. The family. The friendship.  And I’m starting to really let people in my heart again. It has been so long..........
     And the Lord reminds me constantly in His Word to trust Him. He’s got this!

  “Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:11-14‬ ‭ESV‬‬  Just one passage that seems to be ever before me, encouraging me.
     

     Freedom. Today it’s what I’m most thankful for. Freedom in Christ. Freedom to be the me God created me to be.....because I hadn’t been that me for a very long time.  And this new thing, is a good thing.  

My Daughter Speaks

     Once again, it has been an eventful week.  Love and support has come from family and friends.  We so much appreciate it.  But there have also been some not so fun times.  My daughter, Amy, is here tonight.  I admire her so much.  She is strong and brave.  Amy says what she means and means what she says.  I've told her many times that I wanna be just like her when I grow up!
     Amy has had to deal with a lot in her 21 years.  A lot more than she ever should have.  It breaks my heart.  But she has learned more from it already than I did in the same amount of time.  I'm going to let her tell some of her story now.
     "This doesn't concern you at all, you're an adult.  It doesn't affect you."  These were just a few of the words sternly spoken to me after a certain somebody heard that I shared a blog post that exposed who he really is.  Who he's always been.  I was told I was only on her side because of what she said in a simple blog post.  As if I didn't see it happening with my own eyes my whole life.  If that post was never written, it wouldn't change the absolute accuracy of everything in it.  
     Sorry bro, it's not derogatory towards you if it's all true.  Conversation over.
     The thing is, I've been telling people for years.  Long before my mom ever did.  Growing up, people would always tell me how cool they thought he was and I'd openly explain why he wasn't.  The only difference here is that he found out about it.  There comes a point when the choices you make stop being mistakes and start becoming a lifestyle.  And he's been in this game for a ridiculously long time.  It's not just something he does, it's literally the definition of who he is.  
     I moved away for college one hundred and ten percent because of their relationship.  One week they'd be together and the next they weren't.  It was the most exhausting, childish thing I had ever come in contact with and I didn't want to be anywhere near it.  I resented my mom for years.  I always told her to get away from him, but no matter what I said, she wanted her marriage to work and that was that.  
     Bottom line, if you treat people like trash, they have every right to blast you on the internet.  "All she does is write her blog."  To him it's 'just some blog.'  To people who don't understand, it will always be 'just some blog.'  But it's so much more than that.  It's therapy.  It's letting out all the emotions she's conditioned herself to forget until now.  
     I honestly feel like I just met my mom.  Yes, it could have happened sooner.  But I have absolute faith that everything happens when it's supposed to happen.  His timing is always perfect and I will always trust in that.  
     Thank you. :)
     Wow.  I just read what my daughter wrote.  We hugged and cried.  I told her I was sorry and she said it was ok.  She was spot on when she wrote about choices becoming a lifestyle and not just a mistake.  She wasn't even in the service with me this morning when the pastor said that it's choices, not chances, that determine our destiny.
     Choices.  We are choosing to heal.  To learn each other.  To be a family.  A real family.  Finally.  We know it won't be easy.  But the growth we have experienced these last few weeks has definitely been well worth it.  And we are so thankful.

From My Son's Heart

        Ok so this may sound kinda gross.  You know how, when you are sick, and feel like you're going to throw up and you're really dreading it?  You just want to do anything you can to not throw up.  But then you do anyway.  And you feel better.  Well that's how this week has been.  Like I finally let what was making me so horribly sick come out.
     Never did I expect the outpouring of love and support like my family and I have received this week.  People I don't even know have offered heart felt words of kindness and prayers.  And my kids....my kids have been amazing.  I knew all this affected them and I hated every minute of the hurt they've gone through.  But them sharing our story on social media and actually saying they are proud of me.  Even typing this now, it brings tears to my eyes.  Tears of pride, joy, and even pain because I wish I had been able to provide them with a better growing up time.
    My youngest son, Zack, is writing with me this week.  We are sitting in our backyard on the swing on this very warm November day, relaxing after a weekend of putting up Christmas lights.  He is the perfectionist expert.  I am the flunky who carries things to him and stands in awe as he knows exactly how to make all these things work.
     I also stand in awe at how grown up he has been through all of this.  Taking on responsibilities that were not his to shoulder.  At times being the man of the house when he should have been getting to be a kid.  (And not just Zack.  All of the kids have taken on grown up roles at times.  But he's the one here with me at this writing.)
     So I'll let him share some of his thoughts now.
     I don't hate him. I mean how could I hate someone I don't even know? I've heard stories about who he used to be way back when I was an infant. But I never actually got to meet that man. And I don't know enough about him now to make the call on who or what he is, or how I feel about him.
     The one thing I used to associate him with most was waiting. Waiting on him to eat dinner. Waiting on him to pick us up well after school had ended. Waiting on him to start Christmas. Sometimes he would show up, and sometimes he wouldn't. But regardless, we waited. However I eventually decided I was no longer waiting on him. It was of no importance to me when he would show up, or if he would even show up at all. That was a game I was tired of playing, and I was finished donating my time to it. 
     But I realized recently, that I was still waiting on someone. I was waiting on my mom. Waiting on her to move forward, so that we all could too. Waiting on her to share her truth and her story, so that we all knew it was safe to do so too. She had been making the necessary legal moves for well over a year, but she still hadn't publicly shared her story. Until last week. 
     Last week, when my mom posted her blog and my sister posted her video, I felt a lift.  Like life was finally starting to move forward. I cannot accurately put in words the sense of pride that I felt as a result of my mom and my sister's actions. For the first time in over a year and a half I finally posted a little music video myself.  It was like life was finally starting to happen for us.
     All of this is way more than I would typically be comfortable sharing anywhere, but like my mom said before, sometimes you feel better after you let some of it out.  And I know, last week, we all started feeling a little better. I have even started looking at the future more positively, which is something that I rarely did before. And while I have no idea where God will bring me in life, I am beyond excited to see what He does with and through me.

     That was from my son's heart.  The emotions I have right now are coming out in tears I've wanted to shed for a long time.  I've watched my kids hurt.  I've felt their pain and didn't know what to do to fix it.  God is doing that.  In His time.  In His way.  And we can see it and feel it and know it.
     Thank you to those of you who have lifted us up this week.  It means more than we can say.