I have been on a quest. It's been quite a trip actually. You see, I've been looking for grace. Not some lady with a pretty name. Not the kind of grace that allows me to be able to walk across a room without tripping over my own toes, even though that kind of grace would definitely be welcomed. And not the prayer said before dinner. But grace. You know. Just grace.
Looking in Bible studies helped. I even started attending a different church that was beginning a study on grace. And, while these things helped tremendously, there was something even bigger going on than just the academics of grace.
You see, I realized that it wasn't just grace I was trying to find. It was WHERE I needed to find grace.
For many years I've dealt with a real mess of a life. It has spilled over into the lives of the people I love the most and even into the lives of people I barely know if they happen to be near me when a situation arose causing pain. If you've read any of my story, you know what I mean. My family has been through a bunch of garbage that no one should have to deal with.
But grace. Where has grace been? I tried to forgive and I tried to forget, because that's what we're supposed to do, right? But that isn't how it really works. And just where does grace come in with that forgiving and forgetting part anyway?
Well. I think I’m finally getting to where I’ve been going. Grace doesn’t mean we allow others to misuse and abuse us. Grace doesn’t even mean we forgive and forget, although that can be a big part of it depending on the situation. What I’ve found though, is that grace can happen and I can still have boundaries.
Now before you start getting all judgey on me here, let me explain please. You see, there is a difference in boundaries and walls. Walls let nothing in or out. Boundaries are lines set up for guidance. Guidance in what I can safely allow in my life and how far I will go in dealing with those things before I say it’s enough.
Up until now, it has been a very clumsy balancing act. I could care or I could not care. But I couldn’t care in a way that I wouldn’t be totally involved and get demolished emotionally and practically every other way. No balance. So that’s where grace comes in. At least the grace I was looking for.
Funny thing. This grace is something I’m learning I needed to give myself so that I could give it to others. I had to stop beating myself up about things I couldn’t control. I had to accept that, while life hasn’t turned out the way I fought so hard for it to be, I can still be who God planned for me to be all along. He hasn’t failed me. And I haven’t failed Him so badly that He ever turned His back on me. I can’t. Oh my. That was hard to write. Allowing myself the grace to say that.
Again, before the judgments get hurled my way, I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m just allowing myself grace. Knowing I did all I could to trust Him. That I don’t offer hate. That some days I say the wrong thing. But I’m not perfect and beating myself up for it over and over is not grace and doesn’t fix a thing. His grace within me does.
Finding grace in my own heart and mind. For me. It allows me to pray more freely for those who have wronged me. It allows me to not hate them but to have compassion for them. To offer them grace in a way I could not before. Because I’ve accepted grace within me. And, somehow, I feel like this is just the amazing beginning.
Looking in Bible studies helped. I even started attending a different church that was beginning a study on grace. And, while these things helped tremendously, there was something even bigger going on than just the academics of grace.
You see, I realized that it wasn't just grace I was trying to find. It was WHERE I needed to find grace.
For many years I've dealt with a real mess of a life. It has spilled over into the lives of the people I love the most and even into the lives of people I barely know if they happen to be near me when a situation arose causing pain. If you've read any of my story, you know what I mean. My family has been through a bunch of garbage that no one should have to deal with.
But grace. Where has grace been? I tried to forgive and I tried to forget, because that's what we're supposed to do, right? But that isn't how it really works. And just where does grace come in with that forgiving and forgetting part anyway?
Well. I think I’m finally getting to where I’ve been going. Grace doesn’t mean we allow others to misuse and abuse us. Grace doesn’t even mean we forgive and forget, although that can be a big part of it depending on the situation. What I’ve found though, is that grace can happen and I can still have boundaries.
Now before you start getting all judgey on me here, let me explain please. You see, there is a difference in boundaries and walls. Walls let nothing in or out. Boundaries are lines set up for guidance. Guidance in what I can safely allow in my life and how far I will go in dealing with those things before I say it’s enough.
Up until now, it has been a very clumsy balancing act. I could care or I could not care. But I couldn’t care in a way that I wouldn’t be totally involved and get demolished emotionally and practically every other way. No balance. So that’s where grace comes in. At least the grace I was looking for.
Funny thing. This grace is something I’m learning I needed to give myself so that I could give it to others. I had to stop beating myself up about things I couldn’t control. I had to accept that, while life hasn’t turned out the way I fought so hard for it to be, I can still be who God planned for me to be all along. He hasn’t failed me. And I haven’t failed Him so badly that He ever turned His back on me. I can’t. Oh my. That was hard to write. Allowing myself the grace to say that.
Again, before the judgments get hurled my way, I’m not saying I’m perfect. I’m just allowing myself grace. Knowing I did all I could to trust Him. That I don’t offer hate. That some days I say the wrong thing. But I’m not perfect and beating myself up for it over and over is not grace and doesn’t fix a thing. His grace within me does.
Finding grace in my own heart and mind. For me. It allows me to pray more freely for those who have wronged me. It allows me to not hate them but to have compassion for them. To offer them grace in a way I could not before. Because I’ve accepted grace within me. And, somehow, I feel like this is just the amazing beginning.
