From My Son's Heart

        Ok so this may sound kinda gross.  You know how, when you are sick, and feel like you're going to throw up and you're really dreading it?  You just want to do anything you can to not throw up.  But then you do anyway.  And you feel better.  Well that's how this week has been.  Like I finally let what was making me so horribly sick come out.
     Never did I expect the outpouring of love and support like my family and I have received this week.  People I don't even know have offered heart felt words of kindness and prayers.  And my kids....my kids have been amazing.  I knew all this affected them and I hated every minute of the hurt they've gone through.  But them sharing our story on social media and actually saying they are proud of me.  Even typing this now, it brings tears to my eyes.  Tears of pride, joy, and even pain because I wish I had been able to provide them with a better growing up time.
    My youngest son, Zack, is writing with me this week.  We are sitting in our backyard on the swing on this very warm November day, relaxing after a weekend of putting up Christmas lights.  He is the perfectionist expert.  I am the flunky who carries things to him and stands in awe as he knows exactly how to make all these things work.
     I also stand in awe at how grown up he has been through all of this.  Taking on responsibilities that were not his to shoulder.  At times being the man of the house when he should have been getting to be a kid.  (And not just Zack.  All of the kids have taken on grown up roles at times.  But he's the one here with me at this writing.)
     So I'll let him share some of his thoughts now.
     I don't hate him. I mean how could I hate someone I don't even know? I've heard stories about who he used to be way back when I was an infant. But I never actually got to meet that man. And I don't know enough about him now to make the call on who or what he is, or how I feel about him.
     The one thing I used to associate him with most was waiting. Waiting on him to eat dinner. Waiting on him to pick us up well after school had ended. Waiting on him to start Christmas. Sometimes he would show up, and sometimes he wouldn't. But regardless, we waited. However I eventually decided I was no longer waiting on him. It was of no importance to me when he would show up, or if he would even show up at all. That was a game I was tired of playing, and I was finished donating my time to it. 
     But I realized recently, that I was still waiting on someone. I was waiting on my mom. Waiting on her to move forward, so that we all could too. Waiting on her to share her truth and her story, so that we all knew it was safe to do so too. She had been making the necessary legal moves for well over a year, but she still hadn't publicly shared her story. Until last week. 
     Last week, when my mom posted her blog and my sister posted her video, I felt a lift.  Like life was finally starting to move forward. I cannot accurately put in words the sense of pride that I felt as a result of my mom and my sister's actions. For the first time in over a year and a half I finally posted a little music video myself.  It was like life was finally starting to happen for us.
     All of this is way more than I would typically be comfortable sharing anywhere, but like my mom said before, sometimes you feel better after you let some of it out.  And I know, last week, we all started feeling a little better. I have even started looking at the future more positively, which is something that I rarely did before. And while I have no idea where God will bring me in life, I am beyond excited to see what He does with and through me.

     That was from my son's heart.  The emotions I have right now are coming out in tears I've wanted to shed for a long time.  I've watched my kids hurt.  I've felt their pain and didn't know what to do to fix it.  God is doing that.  In His time.  In His way.  And we can see it and feel it and know it.
     Thank you to those of you who have lifted us up this week.  It means more than we can say.