Ok, so I'm not really one of those people who inventories their socks and underwear. And I'm not talking about making sure every kid had the same number of everything. This is about what I'm finding freedom from.
It has been almost exactly a year since I was legally set free. And I'm doing awfully good about 98.43% of the time. I'm happy even! But, just the other day, I was reminded of something I used to do almost on a regular basis. In particular, 2 out of 3 Wednesday nights.
Counting socks. Well, socks and underwear. You see, I spent many years raising children alone except for the ever-so-often that he would show up and give us hope, just to leave again, usually with a big production that would make me look like the bad guy.
So why was I counting socks and underwear? And why especially on Wednesday nights? Because that was when I would take the kids to church. I would count his socks and underwear in his dresser drawers just before we left. When we got home, I would go straight for those drawers. And count again.
Yep. If he wasn't on duty, there would be less socks and underwear when we got home than when we left. No notes. No gifts for the kids. Nothing to indicate he had been home. Just the absence of socks and underwear.
I would go about getting the kids ready for bed without them knowing their dad had snuck in while we were gone. No need for them to know. My heart broke for them secretly. As secretly as it could anyway. I'm sure they knew something was up.
No way to reach him. And even when he had a cell phone or pager, he only responded when he wanted to. Then, at some point, he would come back with his dirty laundry and the cycle would start all over again.
But guess what. I don't count socks and underwear anymore! I've recently thought about how things would have been had I ended the madness back then instead of trying to make it work. But, you know, I'm sure I would have wondered how life would have turned out had I tried just like I actually did.
So, no regrets. None. I did what I had to do. I got accused of things I didn't do. God knows the truth and will do what He sees fit with those who told untruths. That's not my job.
The freedom I am experiencing today is almost overwhelming at times. Realizing that I'm not bound by someone else's bad decisions anymore. For the most part anyway. There are still triggers and something I've gotta get taken care of. But it's ok. Still. No regrets.
No more counting socks. Just counting blessings. Smiling. Happy. And counting blessings.
