It Really is Well With My Soul

     As most of us do this time of year, I’ve been doing some reflecting. Only thing, I don’t usually do it that much. At least not for the last 20 something years. Reflecting made me think of the hurts and how far we had not come and how things were worse instead of better and I would much rather just go to bed early and sleep through the whole thing instead of ringing in the new year.
     But this year is different. While I can’t promise I will be awake at midnight, this time I can look back and see a difference. See growth. See where God took some horrible stuff and used it for good!  I’m fact, I kinda feel like I’m on the outside of the turmoil now. Like there is a storm going on inside a glass dome but I’m on the outside looking in.
     I can’t say those winds never hit me. In fact, there are times they knock me down even. But, more and more, I get up, dust myself off, smile, and watch to see what God is going to do with those winds.
     It is well with my soul. It really is. While I know I haven’t faced what the author of those lyrics faced, and many people have suffered greater than I have, behind the smiles have been pain and suffering for years. Pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Just this year the medical tests alone, because of someone else’s choices, were stressful, painful and costly.
     Financial issues build daily, yet I know the Lord will provide. I may lack manicures and pedicures but I don’t lack food and shelter. More importantly, I have my family and a relationship with each one. That wasn’t the case when this year began. But the love and respect is growing. I can feel it!  Something money can’t buy.
     I also am thankful for a new friendship. One that, I am sure, makes the devil stomping mad for many reasons!  And that’s just too bad for him.  Jesus has come into the hearts of two special people (so far!) that the devil just knew he had his nasty claws on. But the Lord had a better plan!  There once was a time I would have gotten in the way. But no more. I can’t be like Jesus and decide who does and doesn’t deserve to know Him. To be like Him, I have to know that, if His love is for me, it’s for everyone else too!   And while I never intentionally got in God’s way, now I know what it’s like to step out in faith, trusting Him to use me for good.
    I don’t know what 2018 holds any more than I knew what 2017 held. But I’m thankful for that day last March when I yielded to Him and truly obeyed. That’s when healing began. That’s when God was free to move forward in me. The freedom and restoration has continued to grow since that day.
     My plans for 2018? To be more like Jesus.  To step back and watch what He has planned. Even if it involves car issues, doctor appointments, legal stuff, and some disappointments. He has blessed me so much this year through, what most people would consider, a horrible mess. But, at the end of next year, I want to be able to say the same as this year.  The same as this bracelet that was given to me by a precious friend. It is well with my soul. It really is.

The Best Christmas Ever!

     The Best Christmas Ever.....a statement I never understood until this very Christmas.  For so many years, we’ve dealt with uncertainty. With confusion and down right pain.  Wondering if he would even show up. Going back 20 years, there have been times he didn’t.  Or, if he did, there was an attitude that affected us all. Can you imagine little kids waiting and him not showing up or even contacting them?  And if he did show up,  would he stay?  Excuses. Somewhere to be that we couldn’t know about. It was like we were all walking, barefoot, on broken glass Christmas ornaments and trying to not get hurt or make a bigger mess.   Somehow it left us all empty and not feeling Christmassy like we wanted to feel.
     The news always talked about kids who didn’t have anything for Christmas. . While we felt badly for them, it was hard. Others didn’t know about our lack at Christmas. We had food. We had gifts. But we hurt. We hurt so badly.
     From the outside, we’ve always given the appearance of a normal family.  That we were happy. Whole.  But we knew it wasn’t true.  And the few times it was true, it didn’t last long.  In fact, I’ve heard over and over how this is not a family, from the very people this family was made up of.
     That cut so deeply. Hearing my own kids say ‘this isn’t a family’ hurt every time I heard it. And, as their mom, I hurt for them having those feelings. Why couldn’t I make things better?  I was doing all I could to keep our family together.   Unfortunately, holding on to him being who he should be, who he appeared to be but wasn’t, was exactly what was tearing us apart and hurting us the worst.
     But this year was different.  No toxic attitudes. No toxic person. It was like we all had a new beginning. A wonderful, special, new beginning that we were trying out. Like when a new baby comes into the family and everyone is excited. Or when someone gets a new car and everybody who sits inside it takes a deep breath, breathing in that new car smell.
      Was our Christmas perfect?  Of course not. We dealt with a vehicle deciding not to work and a last minute, more than expensive, rental car. But it was well worth it!  We were together as a family.  We had Christmas dinner at midnight on Christmas night. Together. All of us.
     Our God makes all things new. And that’s what He has been doing for our family. Healing. Restoring. Renewing. Just how do I know?  Well there are many signs. Like the relaxed time we had together. All the kids and me. My family. Whether we were cooking  together. Eating together. Laughing and playing games.  We were being a family.
    But probably the biggest thing that I saw was this.

This little square usually sits on the ledge above my kitchen sink. Every family gathering one of the kids lays it down where it can’t be seen.  Someone will say how we aren’t a family. But not this time . I realized, after Christmas, that it was still sitting there.  It still proclaimed ‘It’s all about family’. And that makes me smile. 

Come to the Manger

     This time of year, we hear songs and stories about a manger. While that may have been a common word back in the day, it’s not now. So just what is a manger anyway?
     I attended a Christmas Eve service today at the church where I grew up. While the faces had changed, the songs were basically the same. We sang about a baby, The Baby, in a manger in Bethlehem long ago.  The difference for me was that I was in the audience and not playing  the piano or singing or acting in or directing the Christmas play.
     Towards the end of the service, a young preacher talked about the manger. How it was the center point of the barn. The place the animals came to be fed. All of them looked there first, just as we should look in The Manger first and put Christ first in our hearts.
     That got me thinking. Since a manger is where the animals eat, and Jesus slept in a manger, I couldn’t help but think about “Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”
‭‭John‬ ‭6:35‬ ‭
     It’s so simple. Come to the manger and never hunger again.  How about you?  Have you answered His invitation yet?  Would you like to?

Follow the Star

     This week there was a meteor shower.  Since it was way after my bedtime, I figured I had missed it. I don’t know a whole lot about meteors but apparently there are sometimes some that lag behind. Because, the very next night, while driving a 2 hour dark drive home, there it was!  A meteor!  I was soooo excited.  I didn’t have to know much about it to know it was something special.

     “When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭2:10‬ The wisest men in the land were given the task of finding the Messiah.  They knew the king didn’t want them to find Him for any good reason.  But they, too, wanted to find Him.  They saw a bright star shining in the sky and followed it.  When they got near the end of their journey, the star stood still. They knew they had found Him. They rejoiced!  These wisemen brought Him gifts and worshiped Him.  And they protected Him by not going back to the king to tell him what they had found. 

      Ever hear ‘were you born in a barn’ when you left a door open?  It’s kind of a cut down. But you know what......it was good enough for the Savior of the world.  And these wisemen knew they had found the King of king and Lord of Lords. The One who had been prophesied all those years ago. 

     The star led  the wisemen to Him. You know, we all have a star, a guide, someone or something to get our attention to tell us about Him. So why do we not all know Him?

     Jesus left Heaven to save us. He was born in a stable to save us.  He suffered and died to save us. If we go to hell, it’s our own fault. We can’t blame anyone else. We all get the opportunity to know Him. 

     How about you?  Do you know Him?  Would you like to?  Please pray this prayer today. 

  

      Dear Lord. Please forgive me for my sins. I come to You now, knowing that the way I have been living is wrong. That I was on my way to an eternal hell.  But You have made a way out. Jesus I accept Your forgiveness today.  Thank you for coming to earth as a baby and dieing on the cross for me. Help me live for You Lord. And thank You that I get to live forever with You in Heaven. Amen.

    If you prayed this prayer, I’m praying for you. You truly have something to celebrate!  It’s your spiritual birthday!  And what a way to celebrate Christmas!

Anonymous

     If this second blog post in one week is too much, please forgive me.  But this has been building up inside me for such a long time.  I'm ready to have this behind my family and me so I guess it will keep coming out for a while.  And this post is simply about a word.
     Anonymous.  Anonymously.  Anon.  Ever since this whole life of dealing with infidelity started, there has been someone, or sometwo or somethree (you get the picture) contacting me anonymously.  Now they may not always use the word anonymous.  They may masquerade as someone else on social media.  Or they might call me at work and tell me what they've done with him but not give me their name.  They might call me as the friend of someone he has been with and tell me what they think I don't already know.  But, however they do it, it usually comes out and I find out who anonymous is.
     Like the time I got a phone call when I was home for lunch.  He had answered the home phone just before I got there and told me someone had called for me but he didn't know who it was.  She called back right after I got home and told me about his relationship with her friend.  He denied it, of course.  So I hoped it was someone just causing trouble.  Then, a year or so later, I was selling Avon.  I went to an area wide meeting and ended up sitting by the younger sister of a girl I had gone to school with in another town many years earlier.  What are the odds?  When we had a 'get to know your neighbor' time, we started telling each other about our lives.  When I told her I was married and what he did for a living, it all came out.  SHE was the one who had called me that day!  Again. What are the odds......
     Most of the time when  Ms. Anonymous (and I say Ms. because I've yet to have a Mr. Anonymous contact me.  Misters just don't usually do that for whatever reason.) contacts me over these last 20 plus years, she  has done so to report something he has done.  In fact, almost EVERY time a Ms. Anonymous has contacted me, it has been related to him and his choices.
     It always amazes me how quickly my blog posts have been read and commented on by Ms. Anonymous.   I have deleted many of the comments.  They just aren't relevant and have no place in blogs about faith.  In fact, I just can't figure out why anyone would want to post a comment, telling everyone who is reading a blog about the Lord, how they had just committed adultery with the spouse of the author. And they were proud of it. Amazes me.
     Over the years, the word 'anonymous' had actually become a trigger for me.  It would pop up on the caller ID at work and I would freeze.  I couldn't move on the outside but my heart was pounding in my chest.  It has been this way for years and years.  And I hated it.  But then I wrote "It's Time"  right here on this blog several weeks ago.  And people started commenting anonymously.  Something was different though.  They were nice!  (Except for one poor soul who thought they knew the facts but didn't.)  Then people started posting as 'Anonymous' on older blog posts.  Such sweet, loving people!  Suddenly, the word anonymous starting making me smile!  No longer a trigger for anxiety.
     So.  Anonymous.  I no longer fear you.  I am thankful for those who have reached out to me with words of encouragement and even asking for forgiveness using you as their name.  You have protected them while they have uplifted me.  And you know what Anonymous?  God knows who you are.  Good or bad.  And He will reward you accordingly.

Happy For Real, Inside And Out—It’s Sock Skating Season!

     Ok so I've started sock skating again.  Yes, I've been told it's dangerous.  But it's sooooo much fun!  I just can't help myself!  And I'm getting pretty good at it, too.  Gliding down the hallway, I watch my form in the mirror and am amazed at the progress I've made!  I really think there should be a category for it on the Apple Watch exercise app.  I mean it's got elliptical, rower, even high intensity interval training.  So why doesn't it have sock skating?
     Actually I suppose my exercise might fit into that high intensity interval training.  I haven't actually opened that category but it sounds like it includes several types of exercise right?  So some days I not only sock skate, I hula hoop and I use my simply fit board.  I suppose that means I cross train but I'm not really sure.  But it makes sense to me.
     One thing I do is make sure that no one actually sees me exercise.  When I used to run in the neighborhood, that was different.  And probably considered normal.  But I have a feeling people would laugh at me and maybe even wonder about me if they saw me exercise today.  That's ok.  I'm having fun and burning calories at the same time!
     Having fun.  Wow.  Something I hadn't done a lot of, without a dark cloud over my head, in many years.  But I am having such a good time in my place in life right now!  If the outside world looked at the truth of my life over the past 22 years or so, they would wonder how I could smile, laugh, or be happy.  Well, smiling and laughing can be faked.  But happiness can't.  I'm doing all three, for real.
     This last week I have actually been able to say "I'm happy!" and feel it from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.  Am I happy every minute?  Of course not.  But I am happy!  I'm happy living alone.  I'm happy making things and saying things and doing things and knowing I won't be judged or put down or made fun of.   I'm happy going to bed when I want and getting up when I want.
     And those lines on my forehead?  They've almost gone away!  I know some lines are supposed to come with age.  But I had them for many years from looking through the blinds, watching for someone to come home.  Years and years of watching for promises kept.  Laying awake in bed in the middle of the night and listening for the familiar squeaks and creaks of the garage door going up.  Sometimes it did and sometimes it didn't.  And when it did, oh the relief I would feel.
     But it wasn't happiness.  It wasn't peace.  It was a reprieve from worry for a moment.  But today I can say I'm truly happy.  No more pretending.  No more looking one way on the outside and being a different way on the inside.
     Like our Christmas decorations on our house and in our yard.  They have always been beautiful.  But this year they are especially beautiful.  Why?  Because there is peace inside the house.  The lights on the outside are not just lights.  They are a symbol of the joy and love and peace inside my house.  My home.  I'm so thankful.  And now I can't imagine it any other way.

Studying To Be a Woman

      "Why won't you let me be a woman?"  Words I've said many times over the last however many years.  My daughter and some friends of hers were making a video for her YouTube channel last week and I was having such a good time watching them.  She was quizzing them about which one knew her best and asked them to write down her major in college.  (I happen to know it is Family and Consumer Science but I didn't get a point because I wasn't in the game.)  After they revealed their answers, Amy stated "I'm studying to be a woman".  Once again, that got me thinking about all the times I have asked "why won't you let me be a woman?"
     I could go into all kinds of details here.  But would that do any good?   The point is, being a woman is actually something pretty special.  Yeah I know Shania Twain sang about feeling like a woman.   And I love Proverbs  31 where we are told how to be a godly woman.  But what is it to get to be a woman?
     God had someone absolutely amazing in mind when He created woman. God did not create women for men to use.  His design of one man and one woman for life was for real. And for a woman to get to be a woman, a man has to be a man. He must be faithful, caring, loving, a leader, a provider, and present.  When a man is a man, the woman God created for him gets to shine in every possible way.  And that should make that man very proud.
     A woman needs security. She needs to know he will answer the phone. He will be home.  He won’t lie. He won’t cheat. He won’t hide things from her and then blame her when he gets caught.  Being a woman means being able to feel secure.  Being able to trust.
     Women have emotions. For many years I was asked, told and sometimes ordered to not allow emotions. That was tough.  So I tried to hide them most of the time. Sometimes they choked me.  Sometimes they weighted me down. And when I was alone and could let them out, well I just didn’t really know how. That’s not right.  But I’m learning.
     So what does all this mean?  Well, like my daughter, I’m studying to be a woman. Finally. I find myself letting go and trusting others with my heart. I haven’t done that in such a long time.  I’m testing out emotions more and more. I’m learning to feel secure in the love of my family and friends. While my life may not be ideal from the outside looking in, this finally getting to be a woman is a pretty cool deal. There are ups and downs and I am free to experience all of them now. I’m learning to be the me God created me to be. And that’s a good thing!

Freedom

     I confess. I am a Christmas junky. Christmas nerd. Christmas nut. A true Griswold when it comes to decorating.  I used to try to hold off decorating the tree til after Thanksgiving but I gave up on waiting. While the rest of the house is dressed in Harvest decor, the Christmas tree is glowing beautifully across the room from me right now.
     But this year it’s different. After years of confusion and pain, I recently realized how thankful I truly am this year. While I could make a long list of things I’m thankful for, I think I have to say that freedom is, today, the biggest thing.  But, if you’ve read my last three blogs, it may not be in the way you imagine.
     You see it’s not that I’m happy to be free from someone. It’s that I’m happy to be free to live. To truly live.  I guess it seems kinda crazy, but even putting up the Christmas tree, I felt freedom. No pressure. No question if I was decorating it too early.  And I even left off a lot of decorations this year. When I say a lot, I mean like I put on less than half as many as usual.
     It’s like the baggage is gone. The weight is lifted. I don’t have to carry it anymore. And leaving off those decorations revealed that to me. I got to choose to make the tree look just like I wanted it. Somehow it gives me such an amazing feeling of freedom, it’s almost overwhelming. I look at it and it makes me smile. And I can finally breathe!
     Is it really the Christmas tree though?  Not at all. It’s this new life. While the devil is still attacking and trying to steal my joy, it’s not going to work anymore. God has reminded me over and over of the freedom He has planned for me. The peace. The joy.  The healing. The family. The friendship.  And I’m starting to really let people in my heart again. It has been so long..........
     And the Lord reminds me constantly in His Word to trust Him. He’s got this!

  “Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭27:11-14‬ ‭ESV‬‬  Just one passage that seems to be ever before me, encouraging me.
     

     Freedom. Today it’s what I’m most thankful for. Freedom in Christ. Freedom to be the me God created me to be.....because I hadn’t been that me for a very long time.  And this new thing, is a good thing.  

My Daughter Speaks

     Once again, it has been an eventful week.  Love and support has come from family and friends.  We so much appreciate it.  But there have also been some not so fun times.  My daughter, Amy, is here tonight.  I admire her so much.  She is strong and brave.  Amy says what she means and means what she says.  I've told her many times that I wanna be just like her when I grow up!
     Amy has had to deal with a lot in her 21 years.  A lot more than she ever should have.  It breaks my heart.  But she has learned more from it already than I did in the same amount of time.  I'm going to let her tell some of her story now.
     "This doesn't concern you at all, you're an adult.  It doesn't affect you."  These were just a few of the words sternly spoken to me after a certain somebody heard that I shared a blog post that exposed who he really is.  Who he's always been.  I was told I was only on her side because of what she said in a simple blog post.  As if I didn't see it happening with my own eyes my whole life.  If that post was never written, it wouldn't change the absolute accuracy of everything in it.  
     Sorry bro, it's not derogatory towards you if it's all true.  Conversation over.
     The thing is, I've been telling people for years.  Long before my mom ever did.  Growing up, people would always tell me how cool they thought he was and I'd openly explain why he wasn't.  The only difference here is that he found out about it.  There comes a point when the choices you make stop being mistakes and start becoming a lifestyle.  And he's been in this game for a ridiculously long time.  It's not just something he does, it's literally the definition of who he is.  
     I moved away for college one hundred and ten percent because of their relationship.  One week they'd be together and the next they weren't.  It was the most exhausting, childish thing I had ever come in contact with and I didn't want to be anywhere near it.  I resented my mom for years.  I always told her to get away from him, but no matter what I said, she wanted her marriage to work and that was that.  
     Bottom line, if you treat people like trash, they have every right to blast you on the internet.  "All she does is write her blog."  To him it's 'just some blog.'  To people who don't understand, it will always be 'just some blog.'  But it's so much more than that.  It's therapy.  It's letting out all the emotions she's conditioned herself to forget until now.  
     I honestly feel like I just met my mom.  Yes, it could have happened sooner.  But I have absolute faith that everything happens when it's supposed to happen.  His timing is always perfect and I will always trust in that.  
     Thank you. :)
     Wow.  I just read what my daughter wrote.  We hugged and cried.  I told her I was sorry and she said it was ok.  She was spot on when she wrote about choices becoming a lifestyle and not just a mistake.  She wasn't even in the service with me this morning when the pastor said that it's choices, not chances, that determine our destiny.
     Choices.  We are choosing to heal.  To learn each other.  To be a family.  A real family.  Finally.  We know it won't be easy.  But the growth we have experienced these last few weeks has definitely been well worth it.  And we are so thankful.

From My Son's Heart

        Ok so this may sound kinda gross.  You know how, when you are sick, and feel like you're going to throw up and you're really dreading it?  You just want to do anything you can to not throw up.  But then you do anyway.  And you feel better.  Well that's how this week has been.  Like I finally let what was making me so horribly sick come out.
     Never did I expect the outpouring of love and support like my family and I have received this week.  People I don't even know have offered heart felt words of kindness and prayers.  And my kids....my kids have been amazing.  I knew all this affected them and I hated every minute of the hurt they've gone through.  But them sharing our story on social media and actually saying they are proud of me.  Even typing this now, it brings tears to my eyes.  Tears of pride, joy, and even pain because I wish I had been able to provide them with a better growing up time.
    My youngest son, Zack, is writing with me this week.  We are sitting in our backyard on the swing on this very warm November day, relaxing after a weekend of putting up Christmas lights.  He is the perfectionist expert.  I am the flunky who carries things to him and stands in awe as he knows exactly how to make all these things work.
     I also stand in awe at how grown up he has been through all of this.  Taking on responsibilities that were not his to shoulder.  At times being the man of the house when he should have been getting to be a kid.  (And not just Zack.  All of the kids have taken on grown up roles at times.  But he's the one here with me at this writing.)
     So I'll let him share some of his thoughts now.
     I don't hate him. I mean how could I hate someone I don't even know? I've heard stories about who he used to be way back when I was an infant. But I never actually got to meet that man. And I don't know enough about him now to make the call on who or what he is, or how I feel about him.
     The one thing I used to associate him with most was waiting. Waiting on him to eat dinner. Waiting on him to pick us up well after school had ended. Waiting on him to start Christmas. Sometimes he would show up, and sometimes he wouldn't. But regardless, we waited. However I eventually decided I was no longer waiting on him. It was of no importance to me when he would show up, or if he would even show up at all. That was a game I was tired of playing, and I was finished donating my time to it. 
     But I realized recently, that I was still waiting on someone. I was waiting on my mom. Waiting on her to move forward, so that we all could too. Waiting on her to share her truth and her story, so that we all knew it was safe to do so too. She had been making the necessary legal moves for well over a year, but she still hadn't publicly shared her story. Until last week. 
     Last week, when my mom posted her blog and my sister posted her video, I felt a lift.  Like life was finally starting to move forward. I cannot accurately put in words the sense of pride that I felt as a result of my mom and my sister's actions. For the first time in over a year and a half I finally posted a little music video myself.  It was like life was finally starting to happen for us.
     All of this is way more than I would typically be comfortable sharing anywhere, but like my mom said before, sometimes you feel better after you let some of it out.  And I know, last week, we all started feeling a little better. I have even started looking at the future more positively, which is something that I rarely did before. And while I have no idea where God will bring me in life, I am beyond excited to see what He does with and through me.

     That was from my son's heart.  The emotions I have right now are coming out in tears I've wanted to shed for a long time.  I've watched my kids hurt.  I've felt their pain and didn't know what to do to fix it.  God is doing that.  In His time.  In His way.  And we can see it and feel it and know it.
     Thank you to those of you who have lifted us up this week.  It means more than we can say.

 

It’s Time

     It’s time. Words that have struck fear in the mind of a father  to be and excitement in the heart of a bride waiting to walk down the isle to her groom. To me, the last few days, it has brought a bit of both of those emotions plus many more.  If you stick with me through all of this, I think you will understand why.
     When ‘it’s time’ started quietly popping up in my spirit, I knew exactly what it meant. It’s time to begin telling my story.  My real story.  It’s time to take the next step in my healing.  While I don’t know, at this point, in what order my story will come out here, and I don’t know just how many details will need to be told, I do know it is part of the healing. Like getting rid of an illness. It’s time for it to go.

     I am a stander.  If you’re not familiar with the term, it’s someone who stands, believes for, no matter what, the restoration of a relationship.  But it’s more than just believing in restoration of that human relationship. It’s standing in the gap for their soul.

“I searched for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand in the gap before Me for the land, so that I would not destroy it; but I found no one.”
‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭22:30‬ ‭

     I can’t imagine letting someone  or hoping anyone would die not knowing the Lord. Especially people I love. So, in that respect, I continue to stand.  However, in trying to stand for a relationship, I almost lost myself. In fact, everyone lost me for a while.

     I’ve spent many years dealing with things I thought only happened in the movies. Seriously. I didn’t think these things ever happened in real life. Phone calls from women informing me of their relationships with him. One woman called me in the middle of the night to let me know her husband was mad and looking for him to kill him. (I had no clue where he was as usual.)  Afraid to go back to sleep, I was once again up all night because of his choices.
     From a woman showing up at my front door complete with pictures in hand of his profiles on two dating websites (one of the pictures was made in our home even!) to another husband calling to report an affair to the harassment from one woman that started in 2010 and still continues, I became lost in it all. But I made a vow. And just because someone else chose to break his vow didn’t mean I had to break mine.
     In 2010 I  almost broke free anyway. I know God hates divorce. It says so in His Word. But I felt He lead me to file. So I did. On grounds of adultery. Of all things, he denied that he committed adultery. I had suffered physically many times over the years as a result of his choices. He was well known for his lifestyle. Yet he denied adultery.
     A year later he was basically home and asked me to drop the divorce.  So I did.  Little did I know that was just so he could be in control. Nothing had changed. The adultery had not stopped but had, instead, escalated.
     The level of harassment I have received from women involved with him over the years is absolutely astounding.  I shut down my facebook many years ago after they just wouldn't leave me alone.  I've made my instagram and twitter private many times, and often in an effort to protect others more than just protect myself and my family.  One woman in particular thought it was a good idea to follow and befriend people I was friends with on these social media sights.  In an effort to protect these people, however, I've made some really good friends over the years!  One, in particular, was a police officer in the Chicago area!  The harasser had no idea because you couldn't tell it from the profile.  So it was kinda funny when I told her why the harasser was working so hard at being her friend.
     This blog has been the target so many times it's ridiculous.  It didn't seem to matter what I blogged about, how many scriptures I used, how uplifting it was meant to be.  These women, and this one in particular, loved to comment anonymously about him and how he was with her and not with me.  It was nuts.  I mean, come on.  Who in their right might would post on a wife's public Christian blog about the adulterous affair she was having with the author's husband?
     Over the years as I would beg him for help getting these women to leave me alone, I would be given the same answer every time...... 'I can't control the internet'.  It didn't matter how they harassed me or what was said.  As long as it didn't affect him directly, he did nothing about it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it.  Like he thought women were fighting over him.  Because he simply couldn't control the internet.
     Again, I'm not sure just how many details to give or in what order this will all come out, so this next part will be about a particular period of time.  I was sitting at my desk in June 2015, understanding that he was at work a few miles away.  I wondered why I hadn't heard from him all day.  Then I received a text.  A text from a number I didn't recognize,  informing me that he was in Mexico with the woman who had harassed me since 2010.  I checked my blog and, sure enough, it had just been viewed from Mexico.  (My blog has only been viewed in Mexico on two occasions, both of which were during trips he took to Mexico with women.  I have regular readers all over the world, but not in Mexico for some reason!)
     I informed no one at work and continued doing my job as usual.  It was hard.  So horribly hard.  I contacted our youngest children at church camp.  This had happened so many times.  Church camp.  Church ski trip.  Choir tour.  It was like someone had gotten their schedule and always planned these events and trips for when they were gone.  Anyway, I just didn't want them finding out any other way than from me.  They had suffered too much already.
     That Thursday, while at work,  I received a phone call.  My mother in law was critically ill and being taken to the hospital.  There was no one but me able to go take care of her.  He was in Mexico.  So I took care of her.  As usual.  And I would do it again today.
     Later that summer he took me on a trip to Jamaica.  He and I had a really nice time.  But I was not allowed to post pictures of us or even the scenery on my instagram or twitter.  No one could know we were there.  I didn't know until recently it was because there were women being juggled, not just the one.  And I was being watched by all.  So my excitement about our trip had to be kept to myself for quite some time so they wouldn't know he was with me on a 'romantic' trip.
     Once I did post a picture taken of the clouds from the plane, a picture that I posted with Scripture on it, I was quickly told to take it down.  It said nothing about where we had been.  But he couldn't take any chances of anyone finding out he had been on a trip with his wife.  And apparently someone had seen it and asked him.
     January 2016.  He started announcing to me that he was going to file for divorce and move out.  He told me that his mother had passed away and he didn't need me to take care of her anymore, so he was going to divorce me.  So he filed.  On the birthday of one of our children.  But didn't tell us that he had rented an apartment over two months prior.  He stayed with us during that time.  I didn't know until the mailman brought the letter.  And still, he lived at home.  In fact he came home more during that time than he had been coming home for a long time.  Then he just disappeared.  Again.
      Taking almost a year to answer his interrogatories, he came home again and and again.  (In fact I wasn't aware that he had rented an apartment until May 2016 I think.)  He would often talk about us getting back together.  About us moving away together.  I never knew which 'he' I was dealing with.
     Then he skipped Christmas 2016.  No real excuse.  But came to see me later when the kids were all gone.  Even took me on a couple of 'dates' in January 2017 before announcing in February 2017 that he was going through with the divorce.
     About two weeks later was when the Lord really started talking to me.  Or perhaps that's when I started listening.  I felt the Lord tell me to counter file on grounds of adultery.  "But that's not what Your Word says Lord!" I argued.  I told the Lord He was going to have to show me.  Immediately the story of Abraham taking Isaac to the mountain to be sacrificed was brought to mind.  And that it was out of obedience.  Obedience.  That was the key.
     "Ok Lord.  But You're going to have to show me more.  In Your Word."  The next day, there it was.  I Samuel 30.  David asking God if he should go to battle.  God told him in no uncertain terms to go to battle and what the results would be!  Yes Lord!
     I contacted my attorney's office and began the process to counter file.  She said that, when he received the counter file he would most likely agree just to get it over with because he wanted a divorce.  I told her that I knew him.  And that was not what would happen.  Boy was I right.  It has been a continual fight.  And I found out a couple of months ago that part of the reason I have been harassed so much is because he has twisted things about me for years, blaming me for all this, and getting these women to believe he is the victim.  (I've learned more these last few months about narcissism than I ever thought possible or ever wanted to know.)  He claimed I delayed the divorce when I was the one who turned my interrogatories in early while he took almost a year.  I never postponed the dates yet he told the women that I did, so they were mad at me.  Finding out these facts has certainly been an eye opener.
     But something amazing also happened when I filed out of obedience.  It opened up the way for healing to begin.  I realized that I had been abused in every possible way over many, many years.  Now the ways I was abused, at this point, I am not ready to share here.  God blessed me with an amazing therapist who has helped me tremendously!  She often reminds me that truth is an absolute defense.  And I have TRUTH!  I know TRUTH!
     I still have anxiety going into some stores.  I often make sure to take someone with me or at least have someone on the phone.  I call my mom and joke about her going shopping at Wal Mart with me over the phone.  The depression has definitely gotten better.  I still panic at times but that's gotten better as well.  None of those things, anxiety, depression or panic, are from the Lord.  So they have no choice!  They WILL go!  It's just a matter of time.
     When I think about the fact that I could have been on my way to healing 7 years ago if he hadn't pulled me back in by telling me we were back together, well I could let that get me down.  But we can't look back.  We just can't.  I was trying.  I was standing.  I'm still standing.  We must look forward.  We must walk forward.
     There is a lot more of my story to share with you when it's the right time.  And it will come.  Things about the two phones to hide his other lives.  The dating websites.  The people who have been told lies about me.  Boy.  More than a novel or TV series and all true.  None of which we need to dwell on.  Just get out and get it behind me.
     The important thing.  Romans 8:28.  God causes ALL things to work together for my good because I love Him!  He has a plan.  And I'm learning to rest in that plan.
   

Mother-in-Law

     So I was sitting in church today when I noticed a local yogurt place sent me a text that started ‘Happy Mother-in-law day!’  I didn’t even know such a thing existed. But why not?  We celebrate ice cream, coffee and even macaroni.  So why not celebrate mothers-in-law?
     In 1989 I became the daughter-in-law to two very different women at the same time. One I’m sure I’ve written about before. I took care of her in her declining years and many people thought I was her daughter and not her daughter-in-law. The day she left this earth I stayed with her from that morning until she made her journey home just before midnight that night. I sang to her. Prayed for her. Talked to her. Tried to make sure she was as comfortable as possible. Just before she drew her last breath, she looked towards me and said ‘bye-bye’.  What an honor. To be the last person on earth she spoke to.
    My other mother-in-law went to Heaven just a few months later.  She absolutely loved decorating for every holiday.  Not long ago I was gifted some of her fall and Christmas decorations. As I looked through these treasures, I remembered holidays where this or that one was on display. Yesterday, as I was putting some of them out around my house, I missed her. I could here her calling me ‘hun’ and offering advice. I could feel the comfort of her home and the joy of our friendship.
     Ruth had an amazing mother-in-law. Naomi. And she chose to stay with her no matter what. She didn’t abandon her. Ruth was rewarded for her faithfulness. Ruth has a very amazing descendent. His name is Jesus Christ. Savior of the World. Who would have imagined that could even happen?    That’s how our God works. He uses the least likely.  And aren’t we glad He does!
     Mother-in-law day.  Interesting concept. I have been one blessed daughter-in-law.  And I hope, if I ever get to be a mother-in-law, that I will do my best to let the Lord use me to be a blessing too.
     

When Life Gives You Lemons, Test Drive a New Corvette!

        Life has given me an orchard full of lemons lately.  And you know the typical saying about lemons and lemonade. Well. That would be an awful lot of lemonade. So I tried something else.  Yes that’s me in that brand new Corvette!

I have to admit, sitting behind the wheel of that car felt good. Powerful even.  And it’s probably a good thing I didn’t actually take it out on the road. I tend to have a heavy foot and I probably would have gotten a ticket. I did try to get everyone to make my hair look like it was blowing in the wind for the picture though!

Anyway, while there are moments, and even days and weeks and years that I have survived instead of lived, I’m learning. Learning to cast all my cares on Him because He cares for me. I Peter 5: 7. 

     However you deal with the lemons of life, just remember that the Lord is always there. He 

is the Master at taking care of those lemons. But only if we give them to Him.  What have you done with the lemons life has handed you?  Taken them sour?  Let them ruin your day your month and your year?  Pulled them out whenever you needed a good cry?  Consider this. The devil wants us to focus on what we can’t change. On the sour lemons. God wants us to give those things to Him and let Him deal with them. So how about it?  He is waiting and ready.   Give it a test drive. I have a feeling  you will like it. 

If My Life Was a Hallmark Movie

       Have you ever thought about what your life would be like if it was a movie?  While watching a Hallmark movie today I couldn’t help but wish my life was a little more like that. Predictable. Perfect seasons. Even when something bad happens like a wreck that results in amnesia, the person who has no idea who they are becomes a productive and loved member of the community.
      But would I really want my life to be that predictable?  My sons tease that some lady misses her plane in every movie. But I can’t help it. I’m a sucker for those movies. And no. I don’t want my life to be that predictable. Well, not all the time anyway.
      Just this weekend for example. I planned a quiet Friday night and a Saturday of sleeping late and then cleaning house.  Most of the kids had plans so I would rest. Somehow I missed one detail to a wedding the two youngest would be attending. It was here so they would be coming to town!
       While a complete change of plans for the weekend was unexpected, I can’t think of a better way to have spent it. I didn’t miss a plane or have a wreck that resulted in amnesia. And it was anything but predictable. Well......the trip to my favorite restaurant and my favorite dish delightfully consumed was predictable. But other than that, it was a blast from the past, a step out of the norm, and a whole bunch of fun.
      Ironing clothes  for the wedding while I couldn’t seem to find time to even get dressed was wonderful!  Then watching the football game and eating pizza with four amazing young people, well maybe it would have been more fun if we won. But we laughed and had such a good time!
      Have you ever gone shopping with a group of young adults?  I did that last night. I found myself walking in a line between two of my sons as we sang with the store’s music!  And dancing in the isles!  There was a time when I would have hidden from them behaving that way. Or told them to stop. And they may have been trying to embarrass me. But it didn’t work this time.
    Yes I’ve dealt with so much anxiety lately. Depression. PTSD.  And I wouldn’t let my kids out of my site as we shopped. But it sure was nice to get out a bit and just act silly.  Boy am I blessed. I admire my kids so much!  They are strong, brave, and absolutely wonderful. And they don’t mind being seen in public with their momma. Even if we are singing and dancing in the store isles.
      Is my life a Hallmark movie?  Far from it. More like a crazy reality show or Lifetime movie these last 20 years or so. But you know what?  I know how it’s going to end. Happily ever after. Thank God. How about yours?

Be Still and Know

     “Be still, and know that I am God......”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46:10‬a
      I am not good at sitting still and doing nothing.   Especially when I know there are things to be done.   It’s been a crazy week again this week.   And I sure would like to hurry God along.  Why doesn’t He move more quickly?
      Yet I keep being reminded to be still.   Doesn’t He  know how hard this is for me!    Doesn’t He know that I could get this done quickly?   Doesn’t He  realize that all this crazy stuff could be behind us if He would just let me get it done?
       Again He reminds me to be still.   My family can testify to the fact that I can’t even sit still long enough to watch a whole movie with them.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned before how they would pause movies and wait for me to come back after folding a load of clothes or starting a load of dishes. I’m a mover and a shaker!  Even now as I type this my feet are shaking. I just can’t sit still!
      But He reminds me to be still. Perhaps He keeps reminding me because He knows I have such a hard time with it. I’m pretty sure I was born this way!   But it’s not how He wants me to be. At least not with my current situation.
      When we are still we can pay better attention.  When we are still we can focus.   When we are still we can concentrate.   When we are still  we can learn.
       So I believe God is showing me that I need to focus on Him. He’s got this. The whole mess. And if I will just let Him, He will let more truth come out in His time. He will be glorified. It will be for my good.  But if I rush things, I’ll just make this mess worse.
         Consider this.   Have you ever tried to remove a splinter out of a wiggling child’s foot?   Were you able to do it?  You knew it was for the best of the child. But that little stinker just couldn’t sit still for you to get the splinter out.  The wiggling and crying  was definitely causing more harm than good because you weren’t being trusted to do what you needed to do.
         So I guess I’ve kind of been like that  wiggling child lately.   It’s time for me to be still and know.   It’s time for me to trust God completely.  Pay attention to Him.  Focus on Him.  Concentrate on Him.  Trust Him.
          His plan is definitely better than mine.   His timing is definitely more accurate than mine.   And He  knows just what to do when I will just be still and know.
       

Well I Asked, Didn’t I!

      Have you ever noticed that when you declare something amazing the enemy attacks immediately?    Well that’s what has happened to me this week.   The enemy is just not as smart as he thinks he is though. His attack didn’t hurt me the way he thought it would.    Oh it hurt my feelings.    And it made me mad.   But that silly enemy  seems to forget Who is on my side.
       This week I found myself attacked  and blamed for something I did not do.   People who have never met me have been accusing me of things I had nothing to do with.   They were given false information and they ran with it.   I got mad.    I also prayed.
         God reminds us that we must forgive.  ‘Vengeance is mine’ says the Lord.   That means I have to forgive my accusers and those who have falsely reported about me.   God will take care of whatever punishment they should receive.   But it doesn’t release me from my legal and civic duty to tell the truth.  And I will do that. Tell the truth. Truth will prevail.
          So while these people have been telling these crazy stories about me and calling them facts,   they have actually been putting pieces of the puzzle together for me and not even realizing it.  Odd I know. But their desire to harm me has helped me. For what ever reason they meant to hurt me.  Use me to further themselves. Cover their own twisted lies.  But God has, once again, taken what the enemy had planned for evil and used it for my good. He didn’t bring me this far to leave me!
      “And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses.”
‭‭Mark‬ ‭11:25-26‬ ‭
        Ok. So I have no choice. If I want fellowship with the Lord, I must forgive them. And I can tell you that I don’t want to give up one second of fellowship with my Lord!  So, I forgive them. All of them.  Some of them are hurting me while knowing the truth. Some are hurting me without knowing the truth. But I forgive them all just the same. And one day all will know the truth.
       I feel badly for my accusers.  They need Jesus. Dear Lord, I thank You for loving me. Thank You for forgiveness. Please use me to bring these people to You. They don’t know You or they wouldn’t be doing these things. Father let none of them perish but all come to know You as Savior and Lord. Amen.
       

What Next!!!!

     What's next!    Those two words are often the first thing out of our mouths after we experience difficulty after difficulty.   Unfortunately we often find out just what is next and it's usually not good.   However,  after writing here in recent weeks about what I have been through in the last several years,  I'm going to ask it anyway.   But for a different reason.
     Once I realized the truth about what had been going on in my life, as hard as it was going to be, it was time to start healing.   Have you ever had surgery or maybe a broken bone and you required rehabilitation?   Well this is kind of like that.   Only it's something that you can't see.   You can't touch where it hurts.   And the pain sneaks up on you again and again without any warning.
      But God.   My God has a better plan.   It is becoming more and more obvious that He has orchestrated an amazing healing for me.   I am experiencing things like I never thought I would.   Sometimes it's hard for me to believe it is real!   I am so surprised by His mercies.  And I guess I really shouldn't be.   But after years and years of pain and heartache,  I'm pretty sure He understands why I would occasionally expect the worst.
      So when I ask the question  'What next?'  I am not asking it to find out what horrible things are coming around the next corner.   I am asking  what is the next amazing thing God has in store for me!    You see I have discovered that all of this is part of my healing.   And while He  is healing me, He has saved another person, created and restored  relationships,  and is  doing something new for me practically every day.
      What's next?  Only He knows.   But He tells me it will be for my good and His  glory.   Even when it looks dark and scary.   I just have to wait and trust Him.   Others  may look at my life from the outside and still see a mess.  But I know my God is creating a glorious unfolding.   And when He has made me into what He wants me to be,  taken all this stuff the devil meant for evil and used it for good, I'm going to be even more excited to ask 'what's next!'
        While in the process of healing sometimes it gets really hard.   The  exercises can be painful.  But have you ever thought about this..... Jesus never healed just one eye of a blind  man.   Jesus never healed just one leg of a paralyzed     man.  When He raised someone from the dead He didn't raise them into sickness but into life! That excites me!  He's healing me completely!
        So what does He  have next for you?    Maybe you should ask Him.  You might just like the answer.

Mama Hippo

     "I'm sorry."  "Well sorry isn't good enough!"  Ever have this conversation with anyone?  I have.   I was the second person.  Then I felt guilty. I mean, what if the other person really was sorry?  So I regretted, apologized and repented, deciding never to say it again.
     Then I learned something. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" really isn't enough. You see, there is a difference in remorse over being caught and remorse that leads to repentance. If someone is just sorry because they got caught, they will figure out a way to do it again and hide it even better.  If they are sorry and truly repent, they turn around, moving completely in the other direction in an effort to never do that same hurtful thing again.
     I don't mean for this to be dark or sad.  But I sure hope it can help somebody. These days I am constantly reminded that what the devil meant for evil, God is using for good! While I have had some really amazing days lately, there have been many over the years that were not so good.
     You see, a few months ago I came to the end of my rope. After many many years of trying to right wrongs that weren't mine to right, I suddenly realized that I had become an enabler to my own abusers and accusers.  I tried to set the right example.  And pray for those people. But I got lost in the process.   Almost to the point of disappearing.
     After being diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, I will admit I heard the words but they didn't sink in. It took a while. In fact there are days I still don't know that I really 'get it'.  Sometimes I can't walk through a store alone or without at least having someone on the phone while I shop. I was never that way before.  But some days now I smile and it comes from deep inside! I like those days.
     One of the things I was instructed to do on my path to healing was to get mad. Wow.  All these years I've been practicing NOT getting mad and now I'm supposed to get mad?  How?  I can't do that. But you know, the Bible does mention getting angry but not sinning. Could I do that?  I don't know. I just don't know....
     Then something happened. But first, let me tell you about the funny  mama and baby hippopotamuses my kids got me for my birthday!   When my middle son and I saw this adorable statue  at Pier 1  about a month ago,  I couldn't stop laughing!   Partly because of it's a ridiculous price.   And partly because they just were so cute!   He snap chatted mom cracking up uncontrollably in public at these hippos. So of course when my birthday rolled around,  nothing would do but for the kids get me these adorable  hippos.
      Now for some reason I did not realize that hippos were  some of the world's  most vicious predators.   So after I was informed this I started thinking.   I'm like a mama hippo!   And you had better not mess with  one of my babies.
      Later that weekend, when I felt like  my babies were under attack,  the mama hippo inside me came out.   I got mad.   Boy did I get mad. And I attacked!  I'm a mama hippo!  Watch out! Wow. Who would ever think that that would be healing!
      Did I feel remorse?  Well it started to creep in. Then I remembered the truth. I am important to God. So are my kids. While I am to strive to be like the Lord, I'm reminded that He got angry once too. And He even expressed frustration.  But He also forgives and moves forward.   And for that I am completely grateful.  I'm also enjoying being a mama hippo.

Truth Be Told

      Have you ever found yourself wondering why it seems like you are getting hit from every side?  Like you just can't catch a break?  Like maybe you're even losing your mind because this just doesn't make sense at all?  That has actually happened to me for the last several years.  Until recently that is.  When I found out what was going on.
      It seems like every time I turned around someone was out to get me.   Harass me.   Say negative things about me that weren't true.   Accuse me of things I never did.  I was constantly cleaning up messes that I didn't make. Apologizing to people for things I didn't do.    I will admit it has been a nightmare.   But a few weeks ago I found out where it all started, and the light bulbs have been coming on and shining brightly ever since.
      All these years, while I was busy wasting my energy being upset with those who were hurting me,  what I didn't know was that someone else was telling all of them lies about me.    And when I found out,  it all started making sense.  It hurt. But it made sense.
      For many years I have wondered why certain people were constantly saying horrible things about me.   They did all they could to make my life miserable.   And I had never even met these people.   I was harassed on social media, via texts and phone calls.  Emails were hacked, a fake email was typed up to make it look like I had done something I hadn't.  I shut down Facebook.  At work and at home, while shopping or taking a walk, I was constantly on the lookout for someone to cause trouble. I'm currently dealing with anxiety issues because of it all.
      Then came the day truth was told. You see someone had decided to hide their own actions by making me out to be the bad guy.   It worked for a very long time.   And those people who were lied to stayed mad at me while I stayed mad at them.  I lived in misery, stuck between the lies of someone else and the people they told them to.
      I prayed and prayed and prayed.   I begged God for truth to overwhelm the situation.   And finally it did.  Proverbs 3:32 says   “For the devious person is an abomination to the Lord, but the upright are in His confidence.”  Wow. To be in His confidence----know His secret!  How cool is that!  I wanna be in on that, how about you?  Sign me up for the upright team!
      Obedience is my plan.   Holiness is my desire.   I want God to be glorified in my life.   And  what happens when someone does something to you behind your back?   Well, “......behold, you have sinned against the Lord, and be sure your sin will find you out.”
‭‭Numbers‬ ‭32:23‬b ‭ They won’t get away with it forever. Just wait. And trust the Lord.

I'm Feelin' Fifty-Six!

      Ha ha!   Not really even though I am.  56 that is.   As of yesterday.   That's four from 60 you know.   So I made some decisions yesterday.
      For one thing,  why would I wonder about things anymore?    I mean seriously.   I think I'm getting old enough that I can get by with doing some things just because I'm an old lady.   So when I looked at the beautiful fountain in the corner of my dining room yesterday and wondered what it would look like if the water was purple,  I made the water purple!   And I love it!
       When we went out to my favorite restaurant last night  and  someone else there was celebrating a birthday,  I threw up my arms and started singing  "They say it's your birthday. Na na na na na.  It's my birthday too! Na na na na na."   I don't know if the laughs at my table we're out of embarrassment or enjoyment.   But it doesn't matter.   I'm 56!  I was having a good time!
        Occasionally I go to the mailbox while still wearing my my nightgown.   Now if I lived on a quiet street it might be different.   But there is a very busy street that goes right by my house.   I'm usually very quick when I run to the mailbox in my nightgown.   However yesterday I took my time walking to the mailbox, yes while wearing my nightgown.  I'm on vacation this week  and was in no hurry to get dressed for the day.  Besides ,  I'm  56!  If I want to get the mail wearing my nightgown I will!
      I'm in bad need of a pedicure.   My roots are showing.   But I am in the mood to do some crafts today.   So that's what I will do.   If anybody says anything about my roots or my nails,  or my windows that need cleaned for that matter,  I'm 56.  So I will get to those things when I decide to get to those things.
      My family and friends made my day so special yesterday.   Flowers and gifts  and cards and texts and phone calls.   I can't remember when I've had a better birthday.   I am so truly blessed.   If that one day is any indication of what the rest of my year will be like, I think I'm going to enjoy being 56!

Two Weeks in a Row!

      Wow.   Seriously again this week.   God has wowed me more than I could ever imagine.   Now the devil tried to cause some trouble of course. But it didn't work for long!   He just doesn't learn new tricks and so he's not getting by with as much as he used to.
      Funny thing,  if you look at my life from the outside you probably would think it was a mess.   Like the flower beds in front of my house. For some reason I just haven't spent much time with those in the front yard this year.   I don't really see those except  for when I'm coming home or leaving.   But the ones in the backyard I see all the time.  I water them, admire them, and enjoy them every day!  So,  like my life,  from the outside it may look like it needs big time help.  But from behind the scenes, it's amazing!
      Part of the reason I've been walking on clouds this week is that I'm getting to experience God move. And oh how He is moving!  This week I got  to be a part of someone coming to know Him as Savior and Lord!  To know I  was used by God so that someone will go to Heaven someday, I can not come close to describing how that feels. To see a life change. To see a heart alive for Jesus!  I am in awe!
     The enemy tries so hard to throw circumstances in our faces and knock us down.  He tries to make us think we don't deserve forgiveness. We aren't good enough. "You can't fight those lions!"  "You can't win that war."  "You can't cross that sea on dry land." "You can't rise from the dead!"  Haha that's just what he thinks!   I am learning more every day that things are not as they seem.   And that I truly can do all things through Christ to strengthen to me!

Oh Wow......

     This has been some week!  I knew God was up to something.  I just knew it.  But I couldn't see it.  Boy oh boy.  When things start happening, they start happening. 
     Now let me say that it didn't look very godly when it all started.  At least not to me.   In fact I kinda freaked out a bit.  And hurt.  But then I prayed.  And calmed down.  And I moved forward.  And tried very hard to glorify God.  And what has happened since has been nothing short of a miracle.
     Oh how I wish I could share the amazing details, but I just can't.  Not yet anyway.  But what I can do is encourage you.  You may think your life is a mess and will never amount to anything.  Well let me just tell you, that's not true at all.  Once you give it all to God, you have a purpose!  A real, wonderful, amazing, awesome purpose!
     Do you every get discouraged?  Me too.  And there are days Romans 8:28 about God causing all things to work together for my good is all that gets me though.  Reading that just now I saw another verse that also blows my mind.  Romans 8:31 says that  'if God is for me, who is against me?' 
     Yes!  Let me say it again!  YES!  You know there are times we feel like everyone and everything is against us.  Things we could have never imagined are hitting us from all sides.  Indescribable pain because of the words or actions of others.  But what did Romans 8:31 say?  Hallelujah!  If God is for me, I'm unbeatable!
     Romans 8:32-35 goes on to say that He loved us so much that he didn't spare His own Son.  So if He loves us enough to die for us, does He stop there?  Absolutely not!  God takes care of His own.  And He judges those who reject Him.  There is absolutely nothing and no one that can separate us from His love once belong to Him.
     But, we must make the decision to accept Him.  That's what I want my life to be.  A vessel He can use to bring others to Him.  So let me tell you about my Jesus.  He is so amazing!  He fills us with love where hate wanted to grow.  He prompts us to forgive when the natural reaction would be revenge. 
    My Jesus.  He's so amazing!  Do you know Him?  Would you like to?  Please, oh please let me introduce you!
    

Forgiveness to Restoration to Fellowship

      Way back in the beginning when Adam and Eve messed up,  they really messed up.   God created man for fellowship with Him.  But after they sinned,  things changed. From that point on  it was about forgiveness and restoration.   Because without those two elements,  there is no fellowship for us with Him.
      So just what happens when we don't forgive?    Well,  as Christians we sure don't make a very good example to the world.  Why would they want to be like us if we are just bitter old unforgiving  people with a chip on our shoulders all the time?
      Now you  may think that that other person doesn't deserve your forgiveness.   In your mind all they deserve is karma and you are the one to deliver it.   Well first of all,  I really wish people would stop using the word karma  when they think other people are going to get what they deserve.   Karma is Hindu  and Buddhist  and has to do with past and future lives  and absolutely nothing to do with getting what you deserve here and now or even truth for that matter.  Anyone who uses the word karma these days is using it out of  ignorance.    Sorry to be so blunt  but I just wish people would really undestand the truth.
      Anyway,  guess what.   If I am offended it is not my job to pay the offender back for what they did to me.    It is simply my job to forgive.   This doesn't mean I am to be walked on.   Truth always needs to prevail.   It just means that I am free from bitterness and anger and pride and everything else involved in unforgiveness.
      So what happens when I'm free from all those things that go with unforgiveness?   It means that I can have fellowship with God.   And do you know what?   If I've truly forgiven my offender, I'm gonna want to pray for them.  And......it is actually His  job  to make sure that other person gets what they deserve.
      Speaking of ........  just what do they deserve?    Well if they repent then they deserve God's forgiveness and then they are rewarded with restoration and fellowship with Him.  Now wouldn't it be nice if we would all make that same choice?

You Just Never Know

     You do know that someone is always watching you, right?  I don't mean in a creepy way. I mean seriously. Someone is always watching and you never know what you  will do to touch someone's life.
     Take today for instance.  For many years I have taken sermon notes in church.  Once my kids were able to write, I even bribed them to sit still by having them take notes.  Of course they were rewarded with a new Hot Wheels car once we got home. But they took really good notes and learned a lot so they deserved a nice price!
     But back to today. Today I was preparing to take notes in church when a junior high student came to sit by me. I thought he was wanting gum because that was what he usually asked for. But this time he said no. He just sat by me and got out his notebook and pen.  Wow!  I had never seen him take notes.
     All this time I had no idea he had been watching me. Boy was he watching me!  He started his notes just like I did.  This child who enjoys pestering other kids and tells me about getting mad and throwing his phone and breaking it. The one who  bums gum off me pretty much every Sunday. Who would have imagined?  He thought ahead to bring  a notebook and pen so he could take notes too.
     Interesting thing though, just a few weeks ago I found it necessary to inform him and the tattling girl he was pestering that they both needed to be quiet because their actions could cause someone to be distracted and not come to know Jesus as Savior. I thought it might have made him mad. But apparently it was just the opposite. You just never know.
      So. Good or bad, people are watching you.  What, or Who are you showing them?  Today encouraged me to be aware that I need to show them Jesus. Because you just never know.
   

It Hurts So Much!

       It hurt so much!   But I just couldn't stop.   Smiling that is.  I know!  I'm just as shocked as you are.  My cheeks were in so much pain but I just could not stop smiling this morning.
     Why?   Well I don't really know the exact reason.    It could be a number of things.  Other than the few pounds I gained eating all that fresh seafood  and wonderful desserts while on vacation, my life is  going pretty well. In fact it's going very well!
     You see, it's all in your perspective. The most important thing I've learned lately is that God loves me so much that He allows me to go through difficult situations so that I may grow. That I may flourish. So that I may live!   Like Proverbs 31:25b says, I can laugh at the future!  And you know what?  I do!
      It took me quite a while to able to be this way.  And yes, there are still times the enemy gets in my head and I find myself down for a bit. But Jesus didn't die for nothing. God hates sin.  He hates sin because of what it does to us.  It destroys us. It kills us. It separates us from Him. And I certainly don't want to be separated from the One who loves me so much.
     So lately, including right now, I'm smiling like crazy. I look to the future with excitement for what God has planned for me. For I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything, absolutely everything I have faced in my life was for a reason. Not one person has entered my life by accident. Not one situation has been out of control even when it felt like it.  God knew what He was doing. And I trust Him.  You know..... I'm pretty sure that's where this smile comes from.
     Do you know someone who needs a change in their life?  What if it's supposed to start with you?  What if you are the only way they will know about the love of the Lord?    Being His child means we are chosen.  Imagine that!  He picked me to be His!  Now just why wouldn't I be smiling?  And why wouldn't I want you to smile too?
     I would love to share this smile He gave me with you. So do you know Him?  Would you like to?

Some Things I Don't Understand

     Actually there are quite a few things I don't understand.  Like why that goofy rat that was living under the deck would look up at me through the cracks at night when I took Pippa outside and then would leave me sticks and stuff at the door while I slept inside.  Or why he ate my flowers but left weeds.  How did he know the difference?  (Also, please notice I said was living under the deck.  As of Saturday morning, he has met his demise!)
     And how does Pippa always know when I'm opening a jar of peanut butter?  She can be in another room asleep.  I can be oh so very quiet.  Somehow she knows and comes running to get her share.
     Or how about when people put salt on their food without even tasting it first?  What if it's perfect already? What if  they just ruined it?  And people who think they know how another person will want something seasoned.  Let me tell you, I certainly don't want anybody salting my dinner.  I'd rather have Parmesan cheese on everything anyway!
     Another thing I don't understand is intentionally hurting people.  Whether it's lying, backstabbing, undermining, or revenge.  I just don't get it.  Is that the way you want to be treated?  And even if it's done in secret, it's really not a secret.  We all know that.  So why do people do it?
     Are you happy?  Where did it come from?  You really don't get it from someone else.  Happiness comes from within.  So why do people look for it in others?  You gotta be happy inside yourself first.  And if you get some happiness from someone else, well that's just a bonus.  I just don't understand why people look for happiness in others.  They may find what they think is happiness briefly.  But it won't last.  Why can't they see that it starts inside?
    I don't understand people who are always ready to give advice instead of just listen and support you when you need to talk.  I mean, why would someone who doesn't have to live with the consequences of a decision feel like they should tell you what you should do?  And why on earth would you listen to them anyway?
    But the really big thing I don't understand is giving up on God.  It's been going on since the beginning.  Even Job's wife told him to curse God and die.  But I just don't get it.  Just because things were bad, she wanted Job to completely give up on absolutely everything.  Especially his faith.  Instead Job didn't give up.  He was tempted.  His life was being absolutely destroyed.  But you know what happened?  He didn't die.  His wife died but he didn't.  And Job was restored and blessed beyond belief for his faithfulness in God.
     I just don't understand giving up.  But I do understand giving it all over to God.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5-6  Have you given it all to Him?  Maybe it's time.
   
   

Oh The Things I Remember

     It's a curse. Ok so maybe  it's a blessing. But I seem to remember the oddest things.  Like when I was a little kid and my cousin had a hairline fracture.  I looked really hard and I just couldn't figure out how a broken hair could cause her to need a cast on her leg!
     Or how about the time I was 4 years old and threw dirt in the air and it landed in my little sister's just washed hair.  I said I didn't do it but mom told me that the ole booger man would come get me if I lied. Boy. It didn't take long before I was imagining the devil coming up through the ground and grabbing me and poof!  I would be gone!  The sun was setting (yeah I remember that too) as I confessed my sin to mom and escaped eternal damnation.
     Then there was the time we were watching an Elvis Presley movie. My dad wasn't real excited about it and made the comment that Elvis had a hole in his head. Of course that was just meant to be a jab at the king so dad could change the channel. But my heart just hurt for poor Elvis with that awful hole in his head.
     Growing up with a creek in the back yard, summer days often ended with a swim. One day inparticular, and I just raised my feet off the floor as I type this, after the swim I sat on a red wagon that was turned on its side.  Hot dogs were for dinner that night. As I took a bite, I rocked the wagon back and forth. One of those times I looked down. There it was. A tiny snake coiled up right under the wagon, directly under me!   Pretty sure I walked on air getting away from it. And I think of it still today as there is a red wagon in the back yard this very minute, turned on its side.
     I could seriously go on and on. Like the time I thought Hank Williams Sr died while I was watching a show he was in on tv. I went to my parents in tears to tell them. I can still feel that lump in my throat. That's when I found out he had actually died years before I was even born and I was just watching a movie about his life.
     Ok so maybe instead of having a good memory, my brain is a little warped. Either way, it's a fun way to look at life.  Of course I have some serious memories, too.
     Like I remember the rocks under my feet as I stepped into the creek the day I was baptized at age 9. (I also remember the other  little girls laughing as I came up out of the water because my cute little green dress flipped up as I went under the water.)  But I knew the Lord told me it was time and I was very serious about what I was doing.
     I remember the poor guy walking next to me at my high school graduation. I sobbed as he did the typical guy scoffing in response to my emotions. But I also remember the sense of accomplishment and wonder all rolled up in one that totally overtook my thoughts that night.
     I can tell you what I was wearing 28 years ago this past Monday as I met my then future husband. (I wore blue pants, a white short sleeved blouse and blue vest. He wore black jeans and a red shirt.)  I can still hear him counting to 10 over and over as I delivered each of our babies and he coached.  They say a mother forgets the pain after she gives birth. Well that's not really true. At least not for me. But I also didn't forget how immediately head over heels in love I was with each one of those sweet bundles. Part of me wanted to keep them just like they were. Part of me wanted to know right then what they would grow up to be.
     Whether it was remembering watching my dad's face as he saw the ocean for the first time at the age of 42, or the sounds of my children's giggles from what seems like only yesterday, I really don't mind at all what people think about my goofy memory. You know....it's not a curse after all. It really is a blessing.
   

Never

      "I would never!"  Boy.  I've said that a few times. How about you?  Probably the most eaten words ever spoken.  Boiled, fried, baked or grilled, they usually taste just the same.  Dry and flavorless and hard to swollow. 

     One of my 'I would nevers' happened last week. Having a backyard pool since 2002 has been wonderful. Sure it was an above ground pool and not fancy. But it was huge and great for family fun. I even swam a mile in it one day a few years back!  Other people would talk about how much work their pools were and how they wished they didn't even have a pool. I couldn't even imagine!  How could someone even think that?  I would NEVER! 

      Now it's gone. No more boys jumping off the roof in their underwear when parents are at work. No more brothers irritating sister with cannonball after cannonball. No more backyard full of kids celebrating birthdays. But it's ok. Time for a new era.  And new landscaping! 

      Sometimes when we say 'never' it's because we are judging someone else's actions.  We would NEVER do what they are doing. Thing is, we haven't walked in their shoes. We can't really say never unless we tie on their sneakers and go for a jog.

      Recently I had to eat a really big never.  Crazy thing, I had said over and over that I would never. There was no way. Then, out of the blue, I felt God leading me to do what I said I would never do. With some big time praying I finally realized my "I would never" had to be replaced with a "yes Lord".  Pride needed to be done away with and obedience had to take its place. The results?  Well they are still happening. But truth and healing have been a big part of it all.  And I'm looking forward to seeing what else God has planned. It's rough some days. But I know it will be worth it. 

     There was a man many years ago who said never. His name was Peter. He said he would never deny Jesus. But he did. Then he realized what he had done. And Peter spent the rest of his life proving his love for our Savior.  I love that story. Sometimes Peter reminds me of someone.....someone I see in the mirror. 

     Do you have any  nevers?  How did they get that way?  Fear?  Hurt?  Good intentions?  Pride?  I'm learning that some of my nevers are really opportunities.  Until recently, I never would have thought of them that way. 

When Happiness Hits

      I have been so stinkin'  busy today.   I am exhausted.  And it is wonderful!    Is everything great my life?    Oh boy..... if you only knew.   But I've realized something.   I'm happy!
       I honestly cannot tell you the last time I was really happy.   Just the other day a comment was made about how well I hide the circumstances of my life.  No matter what is happening I'm usually smiling. Very few people knew  that that smile was only from the teeth out.
      So  what is making me happy?   Nothing.   Who is making  me happy?    No one.  Nothing and no one can make you happy. It has to come from within. But my happiness has been buried under burdens for years. Depression rose up in my throat every morning, choking any chance for happiness. All disguised by a smile.
     Then yesterday it started. I was almost afraid to believe it. The sickening lump in my throat was gone. I checked for it. I waited for it. It kinda tried to sneak in a time or two. But it left just as quickly as it arrived.  And instead of sadness, happiness hit!
      This morning I got up dancing  and singing.  Praising the Lord and smiling from deep down inside.  I'm sure the dog wondered what was going on.  But she just silently watched me experiencing  joy.
     Will I ever be sad again?  I'm sure I will. How about depression?  Well it has been a part of my life since long before I knew that's what it was. 'But God wants you to be happy' you might say. Hmmmmmm........  More than being happy, I believe God wants us to be holy.
      How do we become holy?  Jesus. Without Jesus I am nothing.  Happiness doesn't really matter. Sadness doesn't matter. Absolutely nothing matters.  If we don't have Jesus. Am I enjoying this newfound happiness?  You can be sure I am!  Am I holy?  Well I know Jesus. I try to trust and obey Him. How about you?  Do you know Him?  Would you like to?