No I don't need poked with a pencil, thank you very much. And that's not the kind of lead I mean. Many times I've said that I will write when I feel lead. Meaning that I believe the Lord has given me something that I need to write when I need to write it. That hasn't been happening much lately. And I'm fine with that.
But today I have something to write. The last week or so has been tough. There have been more ups and downs that I have experienced in quite a while. I found myself slipping back into the old ways. PTSD was coming out in pain all over me as I dealt with junk.
Then I remembered.....it wasn't my junk to deal with. I took a nice walk. I sang in the shower. Loudly. I prayed. I shed a few tears. It belonged to God, not me.
KIDS
Sometimes it's really hard to give stuff up. Even to God. Especially when it involves your kids. I've got some pretty amazing kids. In fact, I wanna be like them when I grow up. I suppose that means I did my job as a parent, for the most part anyway. It's still hard when they are going through difficult times. But you know, you just gotta trust that you raised them right even when things aren't going so great. And know that you taught them to trust God no matter what.
I think moms have the most difficult times when grown up kids are going through confusing times. Knowing your kids are hurting and you just can't do anything but listen and wait til you know they want you to respond is a difficult tight rope to walk. Recently I was reminded that my kids belong to God. If I trust Him to take care of me, I'm pretty sure I can trust Him to take care of my kids too.
COMPLIMENTS
Several times lately I have received compliments. Very nice compliments. I will confess, I don't know what to do with them. I feel like, if I accept them, I will seem arrogant. Or else the person complimenting me will suddenly yell "psych!" and start laughing at me.
So I've decided to do something about it. Well sometimes anyway. I can smile. And go forward. And be thankful that God is using me to touch the life of someone else. That's the important thing right? Even if they do shout out "psych! gotcha!", at least they got a laugh.
LOOSE ENDS
There have been so many things happen around here in just the last couple of months. Some are done, put away and never to be looked at again. Some are to be remembered fondly. And some still sting a bit. Like how I hate hearing the term 'ex'. I prefer to say 'former'. 'Ex' sounds cheap. I don't consider my past cheap. It cost an awful lot. In fact it's still not paid for and my family will be paying for it from now on in one way or another. But we are learning. And we are growing. It's no longer one step forward and two steps back. It's more like 3 steps forward and one step back. So that's progress!
But there are some loose ends that we can tie up. We've discussed some of those. And some I've been praying about. And thought about. And prayed about some more before I move forward with tying up those loose ends. But I am very confident those lose ends will be tied up.
FEELING LEAD
What does it all come down to today? Feeling lead. How do we know if we are 'lead'? It will be according to God's Word. It will be for His glory. And it will be for our good. Even if it looks like the complete opposite at first. We gotta trust Him. And make sure, when we are feeling lead, that He is the One doing the leading.
Tuesday, May 22, 2018
Sunday, May 6, 2018
Commencement
Commencement. Okay so I'm from the south and some people might call me uncultured. But we always called it graduation. In fact, when I hear the word commence, the first thought that comes to my mind is usually something like a line from The Beverly Hillbillies. Remember Jethro? He would get upset about something and would say "I’m commencin' to get riled up".
That being said, I guess you could describe this last week as a week of commencing. It started on Monday when I finally was set free from a marriage I didn't want to lose. I believe, as God's Word says, that marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman for life. That God hates divorce. Since God hates it, so can I. Yet I also know that God hates how my kids and I were treated for so many years. So I am now commencing my new life as a single, but no longer abused, woman. That makes me smile.
When this week began, I was doing the work that should have been done by his attorney over a month ago. For some reason he chose to drop the divorce after court. I don't know why. So it was left to me and my attorney to get things finished. He changed part of the paperwork to benefit him. The only way to get it changed back would have required a delay and he knew I couldn't financially afford a delay. He thinks he won. But he lost. Big time. No wife dedicated to him for life. No complete family. All because of his choices.
So now I am commencing my new life. Not the life I chose. But I do choose to trust the Lord with it. Funny thing, I was told twice in one day that I had lost weight, when in reality I've gained. It must be the 'weight' that has been lifted off me. Like Jethro, I am commencin' to live! And it's wonderful.
Yesterday I attended the college graduations of my two youngest children. Commencements. Wow. How did it happen so fast? There were some tears and some cheers. And thankfulness as prayers have been answered so beautifully. I heard their names announced and I watched them walk across the stage. Symbolizing commencement.
I am now the proud momma of 4 college graduates, one of whom has his master's degree, 4 who have really good jobs.... should I go on? I could you know! It was only yesterday that I was taking 4 and 5 kids with me everywhere I went. Piles of laundry, many meals of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. Now they do their own laundry and we dined yesterday at a nice restaurant where, instead of mac and cheese, we had baba ghanouj and bruschetta and goat cheese. (And it was yummy by the way!)
Commencement. You know, I'm thinking that every day is a chance to commence. To begin. To start out new. Leave behind what needs to be left behind. Carry forward what needs to be carried forward. I don't believing in 'moving on' with life. I believe in moving forward. Commencing. And I'll just tell you what.......I am perfectly happy now....commencing.
That being said, I guess you could describe this last week as a week of commencing. It started on Monday when I finally was set free from a marriage I didn't want to lose. I believe, as God's Word says, that marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman for life. That God hates divorce. Since God hates it, so can I. Yet I also know that God hates how my kids and I were treated for so many years. So I am now commencing my new life as a single, but no longer abused, woman. That makes me smile.
When this week began, I was doing the work that should have been done by his attorney over a month ago. For some reason he chose to drop the divorce after court. I don't know why. So it was left to me and my attorney to get things finished. He changed part of the paperwork to benefit him. The only way to get it changed back would have required a delay and he knew I couldn't financially afford a delay. He thinks he won. But he lost. Big time. No wife dedicated to him for life. No complete family. All because of his choices.
So now I am commencing my new life. Not the life I chose. But I do choose to trust the Lord with it. Funny thing, I was told twice in one day that I had lost weight, when in reality I've gained. It must be the 'weight' that has been lifted off me. Like Jethro, I am commencin' to live! And it's wonderful.
Yesterday I attended the college graduations of my two youngest children. Commencements. Wow. How did it happen so fast? There were some tears and some cheers. And thankfulness as prayers have been answered so beautifully. I heard their names announced and I watched them walk across the stage. Symbolizing commencement.
I am now the proud momma of 4 college graduates, one of whom has his master's degree, 4 who have really good jobs.... should I go on? I could you know! It was only yesterday that I was taking 4 and 5 kids with me everywhere I went. Piles of laundry, many meals of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. Now they do their own laundry and we dined yesterday at a nice restaurant where, instead of mac and cheese, we had baba ghanouj and bruschetta and goat cheese. (And it was yummy by the way!)
Commencement. You know, I'm thinking that every day is a chance to commence. To begin. To start out new. Leave behind what needs to be left behind. Carry forward what needs to be carried forward. I don't believing in 'moving on' with life. I believe in moving forward. Commencing. And I'll just tell you what.......I am perfectly happy now....commencing.
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