It’s Time

     It’s time. Words that have struck fear in the mind of a father  to be and excitement in the heart of a bride waiting to walk down the isle to her groom. To me, the last few days, it has brought a bit of both of those emotions plus many more.  If you stick with me through all of this, I think you will understand why.
     When ‘it’s time’ started quietly popping up in my spirit, I knew exactly what it meant. It’s time to begin telling my story.  My real story.  It’s time to take the next step in my healing.  While I don’t know, at this point, in what order my story will come out here, and I don’t know just how many details will need to be told, I do know it is part of the healing. Like getting rid of an illness. It’s time for it to go.

     I am a stander.  If you’re not familiar with the term, it’s someone who stands, believes for, no matter what, the restoration of a relationship.  But it’s more than just believing in restoration of that human relationship. It’s standing in the gap for their soul.

“I searched for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand in the gap before Me for the land, so that I would not destroy it; but I found no one.”
‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭22:30‬ ‭

     I can’t imagine letting someone  or hoping anyone would die not knowing the Lord. Especially people I love. So, in that respect, I continue to stand.  However, in trying to stand for a relationship, I almost lost myself. In fact, everyone lost me for a while.

     I’ve spent many years dealing with things I thought only happened in the movies. Seriously. I didn’t think these things ever happened in real life. Phone calls from women informing me of their relationships with him. One woman called me in the middle of the night to let me know her husband was mad and looking for him to kill him. (I had no clue where he was as usual.)  Afraid to go back to sleep, I was once again up all night because of his choices.
     From a woman showing up at my front door complete with pictures in hand of his profiles on two dating websites (one of the pictures was made in our home even!) to another husband calling to report an affair to the harassment from one woman that started in 2010 and still continues, I became lost in it all. But I made a vow. And just because someone else chose to break his vow didn’t mean I had to break mine.
     In 2010 I  almost broke free anyway. I know God hates divorce. It says so in His Word. But I felt He lead me to file. So I did. On grounds of adultery. Of all things, he denied that he committed adultery. I had suffered physically many times over the years as a result of his choices. He was well known for his lifestyle. Yet he denied adultery.
     A year later he was basically home and asked me to drop the divorce.  So I did.  Little did I know that was just so he could be in control. Nothing had changed. The adultery had not stopped but had, instead, escalated.
     The level of harassment I have received from women involved with him over the years is absolutely astounding.  I shut down my facebook many years ago after they just wouldn't leave me alone.  I've made my instagram and twitter private many times, and often in an effort to protect others more than just protect myself and my family.  One woman in particular thought it was a good idea to follow and befriend people I was friends with on these social media sights.  In an effort to protect these people, however, I've made some really good friends over the years!  One, in particular, was a police officer in the Chicago area!  The harasser had no idea because you couldn't tell it from the profile.  So it was kinda funny when I told her why the harasser was working so hard at being her friend.
     This blog has been the target so many times it's ridiculous.  It didn't seem to matter what I blogged about, how many scriptures I used, how uplifting it was meant to be.  These women, and this one in particular, loved to comment anonymously about him and how he was with her and not with me.  It was nuts.  I mean, come on.  Who in their right might would post on a wife's public Christian blog about the adulterous affair she was having with the author's husband?
     Over the years as I would beg him for help getting these women to leave me alone, I would be given the same answer every time...... 'I can't control the internet'.  It didn't matter how they harassed me or what was said.  As long as it didn't affect him directly, he did nothing about it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it.  Like he thought women were fighting over him.  Because he simply couldn't control the internet.
     Again, I'm not sure just how many details to give or in what order this will all come out, so this next part will be about a particular period of time.  I was sitting at my desk in June 2015, understanding that he was at work a few miles away.  I wondered why I hadn't heard from him all day.  Then I received a text.  A text from a number I didn't recognize,  informing me that he was in Mexico with the woman who had harassed me since 2010.  I checked my blog and, sure enough, it had just been viewed from Mexico.  (My blog has only been viewed in Mexico on two occasions, both of which were during trips he took to Mexico with women.  I have regular readers all over the world, but not in Mexico for some reason!)
     I informed no one at work and continued doing my job as usual.  It was hard.  So horribly hard.  I contacted our youngest children at church camp.  This had happened so many times.  Church camp.  Church ski trip.  Choir tour.  It was like someone had gotten their schedule and always planned these events and trips for when they were gone.  Anyway, I just didn't want them finding out any other way than from me.  They had suffered too much already.
     That Thursday, while at work,  I received a phone call.  My mother in law was critically ill and being taken to the hospital.  There was no one but me able to go take care of her.  He was in Mexico.  So I took care of her.  As usual.  And I would do it again today.
     Later that summer he took me on a trip to Jamaica.  He and I had a really nice time.  But I was not allowed to post pictures of us or even the scenery on my instagram or twitter.  No one could know we were there.  I didn't know until recently it was because there were women being juggled, not just the one.  And I was being watched by all.  So my excitement about our trip had to be kept to myself for quite some time so they wouldn't know he was with me on a 'romantic' trip.
     Once I did post a picture taken of the clouds from the plane, a picture that I posted with Scripture on it, I was quickly told to take it down.  It said nothing about where we had been.  But he couldn't take any chances of anyone finding out he had been on a trip with his wife.  And apparently someone had seen it and asked him.
     January 2016.  He started announcing to me that he was going to file for divorce and move out.  He told me that his mother had passed away and he didn't need me to take care of her anymore, so he was going to divorce me.  So he filed.  On the birthday of one of our children.  But didn't tell us that he had rented an apartment over two months prior.  He stayed with us during that time.  I didn't know until the mailman brought the letter.  And still, he lived at home.  In fact he came home more during that time than he had been coming home for a long time.  Then he just disappeared.  Again.
      Taking almost a year to answer his interrogatories, he came home again and and again.  (In fact I wasn't aware that he had rented an apartment until May 2016 I think.)  He would often talk about us getting back together.  About us moving away together.  I never knew which 'he' I was dealing with.
     Then he skipped Christmas 2016.  No real excuse.  But came to see me later when the kids were all gone.  Even took me on a couple of 'dates' in January 2017 before announcing in February 2017 that he was going through with the divorce.
     About two weeks later was when the Lord really started talking to me.  Or perhaps that's when I started listening.  I felt the Lord tell me to counter file on grounds of adultery.  "But that's not what Your Word says Lord!" I argued.  I told the Lord He was going to have to show me.  Immediately the story of Abraham taking Isaac to the mountain to be sacrificed was brought to mind.  And that it was out of obedience.  Obedience.  That was the key.
     "Ok Lord.  But You're going to have to show me more.  In Your Word."  The next day, there it was.  I Samuel 30.  David asking God if he should go to battle.  God told him in no uncertain terms to go to battle and what the results would be!  Yes Lord!
     I contacted my attorney's office and began the process to counter file.  She said that, when he received the counter file he would most likely agree just to get it over with because he wanted a divorce.  I told her that I knew him.  And that was not what would happen.  Boy was I right.  It has been a continual fight.  And I found out a couple of months ago that part of the reason I have been harassed so much is because he has twisted things about me for years, blaming me for all this, and getting these women to believe he is the victim.  (I've learned more these last few months about narcissism than I ever thought possible or ever wanted to know.)  He claimed I delayed the divorce when I was the one who turned my interrogatories in early while he took almost a year.  I never postponed the dates yet he told the women that I did, so they were mad at me.  Finding out these facts has certainly been an eye opener.
     But something amazing also happened when I filed out of obedience.  It opened up the way for healing to begin.  I realized that I had been abused in every possible way over many, many years.  Now the ways I was abused, at this point, I am not ready to share here.  God blessed me with an amazing therapist who has helped me tremendously!  She often reminds me that truth is an absolute defense.  And I have TRUTH!  I know TRUTH!
     I still have anxiety going into some stores.  I often make sure to take someone with me or at least have someone on the phone.  I call my mom and joke about her going shopping at Wal Mart with me over the phone.  The depression has definitely gotten better.  I still panic at times but that's gotten better as well.  None of those things, anxiety, depression or panic, are from the Lord.  So they have no choice!  They WILL go!  It's just a matter of time.
     When I think about the fact that I could have been on my way to healing 7 years ago if he hadn't pulled me back in by telling me we were back together, well I could let that get me down.  But we can't look back.  We just can't.  I was trying.  I was standing.  I'm still standing.  We must look forward.  We must walk forward.
     There is a lot more of my story to share with you when it's the right time.  And it will come.  Things about the two phones to hide his other lives.  The dating websites.  The people who have been told lies about me.  Boy.  More than a novel or TV series and all true.  None of which we need to dwell on.  Just get out and get it behind me.
     The important thing.  Romans 8:28.  God causes ALL things to work together for my good because I love Him!  He has a plan.  And I'm learning to rest in that plan.
   

Mother-in-Law

     So I was sitting in church today when I noticed a local yogurt place sent me a text that started ‘Happy Mother-in-law day!’  I didn’t even know such a thing existed. But why not?  We celebrate ice cream, coffee and even macaroni.  So why not celebrate mothers-in-law?
     In 1989 I became the daughter-in-law to two very different women at the same time. One I’m sure I’ve written about before. I took care of her in her declining years and many people thought I was her daughter and not her daughter-in-law. The day she left this earth I stayed with her from that morning until she made her journey home just before midnight that night. I sang to her. Prayed for her. Talked to her. Tried to make sure she was as comfortable as possible. Just before she drew her last breath, she looked towards me and said ‘bye-bye’.  What an honor. To be the last person on earth she spoke to.
    My other mother-in-law went to Heaven just a few months later.  She absolutely loved decorating for every holiday.  Not long ago I was gifted some of her fall and Christmas decorations. As I looked through these treasures, I remembered holidays where this or that one was on display. Yesterday, as I was putting some of them out around my house, I missed her. I could here her calling me ‘hun’ and offering advice. I could feel the comfort of her home and the joy of our friendship.
     Ruth had an amazing mother-in-law. Naomi. And she chose to stay with her no matter what. She didn’t abandon her. Ruth was rewarded for her faithfulness. Ruth has a very amazing descendent. His name is Jesus Christ. Savior of the World. Who would have imagined that could even happen?    That’s how our God works. He uses the least likely.  And aren’t we glad He does!
     Mother-in-law day.  Interesting concept. I have been one blessed daughter-in-law.  And I hope, if I ever get to be a mother-in-law, that I will do my best to let the Lord use me to be a blessing too.
     

When Life Gives You Lemons, Test Drive a New Corvette!

        Life has given me an orchard full of lemons lately.  And you know the typical saying about lemons and lemonade. Well. That would be an awful lot of lemonade. So I tried something else.  Yes that’s me in that brand new Corvette!

I have to admit, sitting behind the wheel of that car felt good. Powerful even.  And it’s probably a good thing I didn’t actually take it out on the road. I tend to have a heavy foot and I probably would have gotten a ticket. I did try to get everyone to make my hair look like it was blowing in the wind for the picture though!

Anyway, while there are moments, and even days and weeks and years that I have survived instead of lived, I’m learning. Learning to cast all my cares on Him because He cares for me. I Peter 5: 7. 

     However you deal with the lemons of life, just remember that the Lord is always there. He 

is the Master at taking care of those lemons. But only if we give them to Him.  What have you done with the lemons life has handed you?  Taken them sour?  Let them ruin your day your month and your year?  Pulled them out whenever you needed a good cry?  Consider this. The devil wants us to focus on what we can’t change. On the sour lemons. God wants us to give those things to Him and let Him deal with them. So how about it?  He is waiting and ready.   Give it a test drive. I have a feeling  you will like it. 

If My Life Was a Hallmark Movie

       Have you ever thought about what your life would be like if it was a movie?  While watching a Hallmark movie today I couldn’t help but wish my life was a little more like that. Predictable. Perfect seasons. Even when something bad happens like a wreck that results in amnesia, the person who has no idea who they are becomes a productive and loved member of the community.
      But would I really want my life to be that predictable?  My sons tease that some lady misses her plane in every movie. But I can’t help it. I’m a sucker for those movies. And no. I don’t want my life to be that predictable. Well, not all the time anyway.
      Just this weekend for example. I planned a quiet Friday night and a Saturday of sleeping late and then cleaning house.  Most of the kids had plans so I would rest. Somehow I missed one detail to a wedding the two youngest would be attending. It was here so they would be coming to town!
       While a complete change of plans for the weekend was unexpected, I can’t think of a better way to have spent it. I didn’t miss a plane or have a wreck that resulted in amnesia. And it was anything but predictable. Well......the trip to my favorite restaurant and my favorite dish delightfully consumed was predictable. But other than that, it was a blast from the past, a step out of the norm, and a whole bunch of fun.
      Ironing clothes  for the wedding while I couldn’t seem to find time to even get dressed was wonderful!  Then watching the football game and eating pizza with four amazing young people, well maybe it would have been more fun if we won. But we laughed and had such a good time!
      Have you ever gone shopping with a group of young adults?  I did that last night. I found myself walking in a line between two of my sons as we sang with the store’s music!  And dancing in the isles!  There was a time when I would have hidden from them behaving that way. Or told them to stop. And they may have been trying to embarrass me. But it didn’t work this time.
    Yes I’ve dealt with so much anxiety lately. Depression. PTSD.  And I wouldn’t let my kids out of my site as we shopped. But it sure was nice to get out a bit and just act silly.  Boy am I blessed. I admire my kids so much!  They are strong, brave, and absolutely wonderful. And they don’t mind being seen in public with their momma. Even if we are singing and dancing in the store isles.
      Is my life a Hallmark movie?  Far from it. More like a crazy reality show or Lifetime movie these last 20 years or so. But you know what?  I know how it’s going to end. Happily ever after. Thank God. How about yours?

Be Still and Know

     “Be still, and know that I am God......”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46:10‬a
      I am not good at sitting still and doing nothing.   Especially when I know there are things to be done.   It’s been a crazy week again this week.   And I sure would like to hurry God along.  Why doesn’t He move more quickly?
      Yet I keep being reminded to be still.   Doesn’t He  know how hard this is for me!    Doesn’t He know that I could get this done quickly?   Doesn’t He  realize that all this crazy stuff could be behind us if He would just let me get it done?
       Again He reminds me to be still.   My family can testify to the fact that I can’t even sit still long enough to watch a whole movie with them.  I’m sure I’ve mentioned before how they would pause movies and wait for me to come back after folding a load of clothes or starting a load of dishes. I’m a mover and a shaker!  Even now as I type this my feet are shaking. I just can’t sit still!
      But He reminds me to be still. Perhaps He keeps reminding me because He knows I have such a hard time with it. I’m pretty sure I was born this way!   But it’s not how He wants me to be. At least not with my current situation.
      When we are still we can pay better attention.  When we are still we can focus.   When we are still we can concentrate.   When we are still  we can learn.
       So I believe God is showing me that I need to focus on Him. He’s got this. The whole mess. And if I will just let Him, He will let more truth come out in His time. He will be glorified. It will be for my good.  But if I rush things, I’ll just make this mess worse.
         Consider this.   Have you ever tried to remove a splinter out of a wiggling child’s foot?   Were you able to do it?  You knew it was for the best of the child. But that little stinker just couldn’t sit still for you to get the splinter out.  The wiggling and crying  was definitely causing more harm than good because you weren’t being trusted to do what you needed to do.
         So I guess I’ve kind of been like that  wiggling child lately.   It’s time for me to be still and know.   It’s time for me to trust God completely.  Pay attention to Him.  Focus on Him.  Concentrate on Him.  Trust Him.
          His plan is definitely better than mine.   His timing is definitely more accurate than mine.   And He  knows just what to do when I will just be still and know.