What's the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word 'humble'? I would have to say that, until about 72 hours ago, it meant putting myself lower than others in a bad way. Being a sacrifice was something I had done for years. Allowing myself to be walked on, laughed at, made fun off, cheated on, used, abused, the list goes on and on. But then I realized something. The Humble Bumble.
For my whole life I've tried to not be proud. I thought that was being humble. And that is part of where I bumbled. Realizing that I've missed blessings because of this has been a hard pill to swallow. I've let gifts God has given me go unused because of, what I thought was, humbleness. I was wrong.
Pride can be defined in a couple of ways. Falsely arrogant or genuinely self confident. Somehow we tend to get that confused. Being falsely arrogant is definitely a bad thing. Proverbs 6:18 says "Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall." That can pretty much be translated to say that pride leads to destruction, and the bigger the ego the harder the fall. If you are conceited or self-important, something will happen to make you look foolish.
But what does that have to do with the Humble Bumble? It's that interpretation of pride. Pride, in this case, is arrogance. It's not self confidence. And that's where I've messed up all these years. I've tried to not be prideful, to be humble, and it's gotten in a real mess all because I didn't get it. I just didn't understand. But I'm trying!
"You save the humble people, but Your eyes are on the haughty to bring them down." 2 Samuel 22:28 David tells us that God saves the humble but he humbles the haughty. Okay. I think this may be part of why I got confused. The word 'humble' is definitely used to mean different things. So a more thorough study needs to be made.
Other than people living in humbled circumstances, I think I just always thought of humble as the opposite of proud. That, if someone was proud, they would be punished, humbled. That, if I was already humble, I wouldn't be proud. Again, the Humble Bumble.
Yes we are to be humble, reverent, to God. Yes, we are to be respectful to others, and even, according to Philippians 2:3 we are to 'do nothing through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than themselves'. Hmmm.......And again I get confused. But what does this really mean? It means there is a way to do things that is right. Not using others. Not hurting or sneaking around or cheating or abusing.
There's something else that's the right thing to do. While helping others, we aren't to lose ourselves. God has a plan for each of us. Unfortunately I got really good at losing myself under the guise of being humble. But I'm no one's savior. I'm not qualified. I'm called to be Christlike, but I'm not Christ. Also, while we are to put others ahead of us, they are to do the same for us. And if that's not what's happening, something is wrong. Very wrong.
So, the Humble Bumble. Being humble never means losing yourself. King David wrote in Psalm 139 that God knew us while we were being formed. All of us. That gives us all an equal start from what I can tell. It doesn't matter what our lot in life is. Big house, little house. Fancy car or old jalopy. God has an amazing plan for each of us. And letting Him in on ever facet of our lives instead of thinking we are being humble by allowing ourselves to be walked on, used and abused, well, you know which is His choice for us.
Okay. Holding my head up. Not being walked on. Not being used or abused. Saying what needs to be said. Owning what's mine to own but not taking responsibility for what is not my fault. Still being a giver when it's in my power to do so. Obeying my Lord. Using the gifts He has given me. This IS being humble. And I'm learning. Every day. Still learning. Every day.
Sunday, February 25, 2018
Thursday, February 22, 2018
It's About Me.........
Have you ever been in such a mental state that you felt like your thoughts just wouldn't connect? That's how my brain was functioning, or not functioning, just a few days ago. Like there were two extension cords that needed to be connected but, just as you got the ends close together, you realized there was just no way they were going to actually reach? It's exactly how I felt! I could even see myself straining to connect the two cords and them being just inches apart, alas, never meeting.
At least that's how the week began. And, after the thoughts that overpowered my mind and body just a few days ago, I am amazed at what I've learned from it and how different things are right now. Night and day.
On Monday I couldn't shake the memories of being shoved down from behind three times. One time in particular just kept replaying. In fact, the memory and details became more clear than ever as I tried to work through it. It happened at a fire station and I was carrying my then three month old baby daughter. (She and I talked about this later that day and she, as always, supports me and my blogging.) He had gotten mad at my 23 month old son and ordered “get him out of here”. I stopped the baby's bottle I was giving her, wrapped her in the thick blanket I had carried her inside in (it was December and very cold) and we started out.
That blanket. When I came home for lunch Monday I just had to find that 21 year old blanket. I still have it. I found it and I hugged it. When I went back to work I cried and wished I had taken it with me. When I got home I cried some more and held the blanket and relived it over and over again. He was telling me off and I turned around, looking over my left shoulder, to say something back. It was then that he shoved me from behind.
I never knew. Not until this Monday. I never knew why my baby's head hit the concrete block wall instead of me hitting the floor or wall first. Then I realized. It was because I was turned to the left when he shoved me. I fell forward in a way that her head hit the wall to my right. There was nothing I could do. But that blanket. I'm so thankful it was cold that day. That blanket and probably angel wings. That's what saved her.
Straight to the doctor. I was going to the ER on the other side of town but I didn't have enough gas. With three little boys in tow, I hurried into the doctor's office and told them I fell. I knew that if I told them he had pushed me, he would be arrested and probably fired. I had been turned in for false child abuse charges by my step-son's mother over and over so I was also afraid someone might not believe me and would take all of my babies from me.
I didn't lie. I just didn't tell them how I fell. Thank God she was and is just fine. But it still hurts so much thinking about it. And him? Well he blamed me and said I fell on purpose! Absolutely no way...... I can't imagine how anyone could do something like that. Or why. And it hurts to think he would blame me. Why not just take responsibility for what he did?
What did he do next? Disappeared the next morning. I called his captain to see if he knew where he was. He didn't. And he had no idea that I took my baby girl to the doctor for a head x-ray the day before because of what had happened. The captain didn't know anything had even happened. How could he not tell his co-workers about his daughter? Even if he lied about what really happened, you would think he would have been worried and mentioned it.
11 months. Eleven months prior, the night I found out I was pregnant, we were talking on the phone. Instead of being loving, he told me he was kicking our three younger sons and I out of the house and he and our older son (my step-son) were going to live in the house. The next day he didn't come home.
So what makes this about me? It took me until Tuesday afternoon to start being able to make mental connections again. When I could finally get those plug ends connected, I started realizing something. It's not about all of that stuff anymore. It's not about all the hurt that has happened over the years. It's about me. It's about my healing. Oh I've been getting little hints of that along the way. But it has really been driven home for me the last couple of days.
It's about me. About me being the Kim Parks I'm supposed to be. The God loving, saved, peace seeker He wants me to be. The mom, friend, co-worker, daughter, sister, aunt, sister-in-law or even the person in line at the check out that I'm supposed to be. Living life to the fullest on this earth until He calls me Home.
I can either let this stuff continue getting me down, or I can learn and grow from it. Not saying I won't have anymore struggles. I'm still sleeping with that baby blanket at the moment. But I know I can put it away again soon. I can accept when I have a bad day and know that, once I get through it, the next day will be even better.
One day I won't have to remember all this bad stuff anymore. I won't be triggered. I won't even flinch. And then I will know that I'm just fine.
At least that's how the week began. And, after the thoughts that overpowered my mind and body just a few days ago, I am amazed at what I've learned from it and how different things are right now. Night and day.
On Monday I couldn't shake the memories of being shoved down from behind three times. One time in particular just kept replaying. In fact, the memory and details became more clear than ever as I tried to work through it. It happened at a fire station and I was carrying my then three month old baby daughter. (She and I talked about this later that day and she, as always, supports me and my blogging.) He had gotten mad at my 23 month old son and ordered “get him out of here”. I stopped the baby's bottle I was giving her, wrapped her in the thick blanket I had carried her inside in (it was December and very cold) and we started out.
That blanket. When I came home for lunch Monday I just had to find that 21 year old blanket. I still have it. I found it and I hugged it. When I went back to work I cried and wished I had taken it with me. When I got home I cried some more and held the blanket and relived it over and over again. He was telling me off and I turned around, looking over my left shoulder, to say something back. It was then that he shoved me from behind.
I never knew. Not until this Monday. I never knew why my baby's head hit the concrete block wall instead of me hitting the floor or wall first. Then I realized. It was because I was turned to the left when he shoved me. I fell forward in a way that her head hit the wall to my right. There was nothing I could do. But that blanket. I'm so thankful it was cold that day. That blanket and probably angel wings. That's what saved her.
Straight to the doctor. I was going to the ER on the other side of town but I didn't have enough gas. With three little boys in tow, I hurried into the doctor's office and told them I fell. I knew that if I told them he had pushed me, he would be arrested and probably fired. I had been turned in for false child abuse charges by my step-son's mother over and over so I was also afraid someone might not believe me and would take all of my babies from me.
I didn't lie. I just didn't tell them how I fell. Thank God she was and is just fine. But it still hurts so much thinking about it. And him? Well he blamed me and said I fell on purpose! Absolutely no way...... I can't imagine how anyone could do something like that. Or why. And it hurts to think he would blame me. Why not just take responsibility for what he did?
What did he do next? Disappeared the next morning. I called his captain to see if he knew where he was. He didn't. And he had no idea that I took my baby girl to the doctor for a head x-ray the day before because of what had happened. The captain didn't know anything had even happened. How could he not tell his co-workers about his daughter? Even if he lied about what really happened, you would think he would have been worried and mentioned it.
11 months. Eleven months prior, the night I found out I was pregnant, we were talking on the phone. Instead of being loving, he told me he was kicking our three younger sons and I out of the house and he and our older son (my step-son) were going to live in the house. The next day he didn't come home.
So what makes this about me? It took me until Tuesday afternoon to start being able to make mental connections again. When I could finally get those plug ends connected, I started realizing something. It's not about all of that stuff anymore. It's not about all the hurt that has happened over the years. It's about me. It's about my healing. Oh I've been getting little hints of that along the way. But it has really been driven home for me the last couple of days.
It's about me. About me being the Kim Parks I'm supposed to be. The God loving, saved, peace seeker He wants me to be. The mom, friend, co-worker, daughter, sister, aunt, sister-in-law or even the person in line at the check out that I'm supposed to be. Living life to the fullest on this earth until He calls me Home.
I can either let this stuff continue getting me down, or I can learn and grow from it. Not saying I won't have anymore struggles. I'm still sleeping with that baby blanket at the moment. But I know I can put it away again soon. I can accept when I have a bad day and know that, once I get through it, the next day will be even better.
One day I won't have to remember all this bad stuff anymore. I won't be triggered. I won't even flinch. And then I will know that I'm just fine.
Sunday, February 18, 2018
Fire!!!!!!!!!
Pippa and I were sound asleep Thursday night when we were awakened by some strange noises. One of those noises, that I figured out later, was the doorbell. But it sounded more like a sad, scratchy old homemade out of tin can bell, not the door bell I was used to hearing. Not sure what was going on there. Someone was also knocking at my door. But it was about 1:15 AM. That could only mean trouble.
I peeked out through the window and saw a young man walking back to a small SUV that was driven by a woman. They left. Doing a quick mental inventory of my kids, I knew there was probably only one who wasn't accountable to anyone else that night. So I called him just to make sure he was ok. About the time he answered, that odd door bell noise started again and this time I could hear two people pounding on my front door.
"Don't say anything!" my son ordered. I was quiet but Pippa wasn't. After dealing with women showing up at my house over the years, we knew very well that it could be yet another one, upset about something she had just experienced and wanting to tell me about it.
"There's a fire in your back yard! Fire! In your back yard!" I opened the door to find two people frantically trying to get my attention for my benefit this time. They told me they had already called 911 (oh no.........but they didn't know what all I had been through at the hands of those responding to 911 calls) and I thanked them.
I quickly ran to the back of the house and saw a small fire near my fence, burning leaves. I could have easily put it out with a garden hose but the fire truck had already arrived. So I watched from the deck. They put out the fire behind my fence and then stopped. The fire continued to grow in my yard and my fence started to burn! What was the deal!
I went the front way and found them trying to disassemble my broken gate. Not one of the three would look at me. I asked if they could please use the other gate. They agreed. Again, avoiding eye contact with me.
They made short work of the fire and went back around the back of my fence. I walked around and thanked them, which wasn't easy since they didn't want to look me in the eye. You see. They knew me. And they knew part of what had been done to me. They knew before I did. But I thanked them just the same. And stood my ground at the same time.
A few months ago, one of their superiors had published lies about me. Flat out lies. And another one of them called me a liar at a fire scene a while back. Because they don't know the truth. I made sure some truth was told this time. I can't be treated differently or disrespected because of what someone else has done or said.
Because of that fire, PTSD took over me. The people at the door in the night. The firefighters. Actually everything except the fire. I hurt all over. It's getting better today. The pain is more localized and not from head to toe like it was the last couple of days.
The devil thought he would do a real number on me that night. I had had a wonderful week and was resting so well. So the enemy decided he would try to ruin that. He didn't win. While I may be dealing with PTSD symptoms now, it's just a battle. My God has already won the war! I will come through this even stronger!
And that fire? I really appreciate the young people who cared enough to wake me that night. They had no idea what I was dealing with. They were just trying to help. And it appears the fire was caused by a broken electrical line. But it exposed the fact that homeless people apparently party right behind my fence. Good to know...........Shaking my head.......
I peeked out through the window and saw a young man walking back to a small SUV that was driven by a woman. They left. Doing a quick mental inventory of my kids, I knew there was probably only one who wasn't accountable to anyone else that night. So I called him just to make sure he was ok. About the time he answered, that odd door bell noise started again and this time I could hear two people pounding on my front door.
"Don't say anything!" my son ordered. I was quiet but Pippa wasn't. After dealing with women showing up at my house over the years, we knew very well that it could be yet another one, upset about something she had just experienced and wanting to tell me about it.
"There's a fire in your back yard! Fire! In your back yard!" I opened the door to find two people frantically trying to get my attention for my benefit this time. They told me they had already called 911 (oh no.........but they didn't know what all I had been through at the hands of those responding to 911 calls) and I thanked them.
I quickly ran to the back of the house and saw a small fire near my fence, burning leaves. I could have easily put it out with a garden hose but the fire truck had already arrived. So I watched from the deck. They put out the fire behind my fence and then stopped. The fire continued to grow in my yard and my fence started to burn! What was the deal!
I went the front way and found them trying to disassemble my broken gate. Not one of the three would look at me. I asked if they could please use the other gate. They agreed. Again, avoiding eye contact with me.
They made short work of the fire and went back around the back of my fence. I walked around and thanked them, which wasn't easy since they didn't want to look me in the eye. You see. They knew me. And they knew part of what had been done to me. They knew before I did. But I thanked them just the same. And stood my ground at the same time.
A few months ago, one of their superiors had published lies about me. Flat out lies. And another one of them called me a liar at a fire scene a while back. Because they don't know the truth. I made sure some truth was told this time. I can't be treated differently or disrespected because of what someone else has done or said.
Because of that fire, PTSD took over me. The people at the door in the night. The firefighters. Actually everything except the fire. I hurt all over. It's getting better today. The pain is more localized and not from head to toe like it was the last couple of days.
The devil thought he would do a real number on me that night. I had had a wonderful week and was resting so well. So the enemy decided he would try to ruin that. He didn't win. While I may be dealing with PTSD symptoms now, it's just a battle. My God has already won the war! I will come through this even stronger!
And that fire? I really appreciate the young people who cared enough to wake me that night. They had no idea what I was dealing with. They were just trying to help. And it appears the fire was caused by a broken electrical line. But it exposed the fact that homeless people apparently party right behind my fence. Good to know...........Shaking my head.......
Thursday, February 15, 2018
The Day After
Happy Half Priced Chocolate Day! I must say that this has been the most fun Valentine's Day week I have had in a very long time. And today I topped it off by indulging in half priced Valentine sweets and chocolates for dinner. Plus more chocolate for dessert. I don't have a choice but to eat it all today. It's my one 'cheat' meal. No. Seriously.
After 28 Valentine's Days of never knowing, this one was a relief. Of course some were good but most were lonely with me wondering and being told it's just another day and I was expected to accept it. Yes, I've gotten flowers and sweet cards at times. And even a teddy bear and jewelry. But, more often than not, I've gotten nothing. Not even the words "Happy Valentine's Day". The kids often tried to make up for it though. I sure am blessed in the kids department. They are amazing!
Three years ago I decided to take matters into my own hands and plan a 'romantic' Valentine's Day weekend. I reserved a Honeymoon Suite and went to the hotel early so that I could decorate. But did I really do it as a surprise? No. I did it so I would know where he was. I had spent too many holidays wondering. So, I made the secret plans and we never left the hotel from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon. The best part about that weekend was that I didn't have to wonder where he was.
Not one time did I have to look at my phone to see if he had responded to my many texts. Never did I have to look out through the blinds to see if he was home. And it didn't matter if the garage door went up, because I didn't have to listen for it and hope it was him. I was not comfortable that entire weekend. But I knew where he was. And, at that time, that was what mattered most.
But that didn't last long. He disappeared the next weekend. We had a family event he had said he would attend. It was important. But he didn't show up and wouldn't say where he was. There we were. Disappointed. Again.
But this year. This year was different! You see, I know there are weapons formed against me. But I also know that those weapons won't prosper! Losing an occasional battle may happen. But God is with me and He always wins the war!
So, as I sit here finishing off my gigantic chocolate kiss, I am happy to say that I had such a sweet Valentine's Day. I didn't have to wonder once where he was. I didn't have to wonder if he would send me flowers and I never once got jealous of others getting flowers and balloons. In fact I was happy for them! It was so fun to see delivery vans pull up just outside my office window. I was excited for each delivery! Giddy even. Love was in the air. Real love. Not what I had experienced.
And I got to do something else. I have very special customers I consider friends. Two of them recently lost their husbands and another has been very sick. I got to take time and talk to each of them yesterday. I was so blessed to be a part of their day. Widows spending Valentine's Day alone when their husbands had just passed away. Husbands they loved with their whole hearts and they knew they were loved just the same. Now they are alone. And I got to be a part of their day.
Do they know about my circumstance? Yeah. And one of them went on and on about it because he was supposed to tell me about her husband falling back in December. I hadn't told her about my circumstance back then. In fact I didn't tell her until she called last week and told me her husband had passed away. She went for almost two months thinking I didn't care because he didn't tell me her husband had fallen like he said he would do. Instead, he had just lied to her when he told her he would tell me. He didn't tell her that his last contact with me was when he accidentally texted me instead of yet another woman. And even that he tried to turn it around on me and blame me. Yeah. Like that makes sense.
I would have gone to visit her husband in the rehab if I had known. I would have talked to him about Jesus. And it hurts that I didn't get the chance. But, you know what? It doesn't do any good to think about that. But my friend and I.......we are getting closer through it all. And I'm thankful.
The day after Valentine's Day I am happy. I was even told today that I was contagious as a co-worker and I laughed on the phone. Another told me she could hear the happiness in my voice. The day after.....and I'm oh so happy.
After 28 Valentine's Days of never knowing, this one was a relief. Of course some were good but most were lonely with me wondering and being told it's just another day and I was expected to accept it. Yes, I've gotten flowers and sweet cards at times. And even a teddy bear and jewelry. But, more often than not, I've gotten nothing. Not even the words "Happy Valentine's Day". The kids often tried to make up for it though. I sure am blessed in the kids department. They are amazing!
Three years ago I decided to take matters into my own hands and plan a 'romantic' Valentine's Day weekend. I reserved a Honeymoon Suite and went to the hotel early so that I could decorate. But did I really do it as a surprise? No. I did it so I would know where he was. I had spent too many holidays wondering. So, I made the secret plans and we never left the hotel from Friday afternoon until Sunday afternoon. The best part about that weekend was that I didn't have to wonder where he was.
Not one time did I have to look at my phone to see if he had responded to my many texts. Never did I have to look out through the blinds to see if he was home. And it didn't matter if the garage door went up, because I didn't have to listen for it and hope it was him. I was not comfortable that entire weekend. But I knew where he was. And, at that time, that was what mattered most.
But that didn't last long. He disappeared the next weekend. We had a family event he had said he would attend. It was important. But he didn't show up and wouldn't say where he was. There we were. Disappointed. Again.
But this year. This year was different! You see, I know there are weapons formed against me. But I also know that those weapons won't prosper! Losing an occasional battle may happen. But God is with me and He always wins the war!
So, as I sit here finishing off my gigantic chocolate kiss, I am happy to say that I had such a sweet Valentine's Day. I didn't have to wonder once where he was. I didn't have to wonder if he would send me flowers and I never once got jealous of others getting flowers and balloons. In fact I was happy for them! It was so fun to see delivery vans pull up just outside my office window. I was excited for each delivery! Giddy even. Love was in the air. Real love. Not what I had experienced.
And I got to do something else. I have very special customers I consider friends. Two of them recently lost their husbands and another has been very sick. I got to take time and talk to each of them yesterday. I was so blessed to be a part of their day. Widows spending Valentine's Day alone when their husbands had just passed away. Husbands they loved with their whole hearts and they knew they were loved just the same. Now they are alone. And I got to be a part of their day.
Do they know about my circumstance? Yeah. And one of them went on and on about it because he was supposed to tell me about her husband falling back in December. I hadn't told her about my circumstance back then. In fact I didn't tell her until she called last week and told me her husband had passed away. She went for almost two months thinking I didn't care because he didn't tell me her husband had fallen like he said he would do. Instead, he had just lied to her when he told her he would tell me. He didn't tell her that his last contact with me was when he accidentally texted me instead of yet another woman. And even that he tried to turn it around on me and blame me. Yeah. Like that makes sense.
I would have gone to visit her husband in the rehab if I had known. I would have talked to him about Jesus. And it hurts that I didn't get the chance. But, you know what? It doesn't do any good to think about that. But my friend and I.......we are getting closer through it all. And I'm thankful.
The day after Valentine's Day I am happy. I was even told today that I was contagious as a co-worker and I laughed on the phone. Another told me she could hear the happiness in my voice. The day after.....and I'm oh so happy.
Sunday, February 11, 2018
What's Wrong With This Picture?
So this week I got some good news. I had an appointment with my therapist who told me that, what I thought was me becoming callus and uncaring, was really a part of my healing. Seriously, I thought I might be getting really messed up because I wasn't curling up in a painful ball inside every time I heard of someone experiencing a catastrophe.
Like those kids whose parents had been torturing them for years. Don't get me wrong. My heart hurt for them. But it wasn't like it used to be. Was my heart getting hard? Was I turning into the bad guy? I was really concerned when I asked her. The answer I got was amazing and made so much sense.
For years I haven't been able to control what happened to my kids and me. It didn't matter what I did or said, we were hurt. I couldn't seem to do anything to stop it. Anytime I heard about the abuse of other women and children, I actually mourned for them. I hurt so badly for them. But now I know they aren't my responsibility. While I can pray for them and feel badly for them, I no longer mourn for them. And it's actually a good thing! Because I'm finally getting to do what's right for my kids and me.
Another thing we talked about this week was me blogging about the truth. And it's a good thing too! I'm getting it out so that it doesn't constantly churn in my head all the time. Once I write it here, I don't have to think about it. So, I've got some pictures to share today. This is what has been bugging me this week and it's time to get it out. Not necessarily to hurt someone else, but so that I can heal. Because, like I found out last week, I is kind, I is smart, I is important.
Here it goes.........
So. As you can see by this first picture, this was sent to me in June 2016. It was a nice Sunday afternoon and I was minding my own business when I got this quick series of pictures of a messenger conversation. I didn't recognize the number it came from but I'm sure it was one of those texting apps and I quickly blocked it. So I don't know if this was the entire conversation or everything the sender meant for me to see. But this was what I got.
First of all, a messenger introduction. It happened on June 4, 2016 beginning at 1:13PM. They have a mutual friend, yada, yada, yada.
Then it's followed by a question. A question as to whether the receiver is still seeing 'him' because the sender didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who was 'taken'.
Now wait just a minute here. 14 months prior to this I had come home for lunch a found a note attached to a business card in my mailbox. The business card was complete with this sender's work info and cell number. The note attached addressed me as Mrs. Parks and instructed me to call her about him. I did not. I called her supervisor who asked me to email a picture of it and I did. The supervisor called me later to assure me she had spoken to this woman and nothing like this would happen again. So, the sender of this message KNEW he was in a relationship call MARRIAGE. Why on earth would she message another 'other woman' to find out if they were still together and if he was taken when she knew he was taken by MARRIAGE?
Also in this picture, she mentioned that her brother-in-law introduced them. Isn't that interesting considering her sister had been following me on instagram for quite some time and I couldn't figure out who she was or why she would be following me? I kept getting the creeps about it so, after a while, I blocked her. I only found out recently that it was her sister. And, that I've been taking walks by her sister's house for years and didn't even know that I was talking to her sister's dogs who would bark at me as I walked by. (Won't do that again!)
The next picture is of my Twitter profile from that day. I know there are parts missing from the conversation, but it came to me jumbled and, again, I blocked it immediately. So I don't know exactly how it went together. Anyway, she's pretending that she's just finding out that he's married. And the receiver of the messages obviously keeps an eye on me because she easily found my twitter and posted this.
Now the questions continue. 'Is he divorcing his wife' to which the response is 'he's been divorcing her for the past 7 years'. Boy. Neither one had a clue on that one. I had filed in 2010 on grounds of adultery because of the relationship with the receiver in this conversation. But he told me that was over and he told me we were back together at the end of 2011 and he told me to drop it. So no. He had not been divorcing me for 7 years. He had filed just over 3 months prior to this conversation and had told me it was because his mother was dead and he no longer needed me to take care of her.
For some reason the receiver of the messages chose, at that time, to post a picture of her driver's license and a check book. Who knows.
Next picture. My blog. Nice to know they keep up with me so well. Not. And the receiver asks the sender just what he told her. The sender replied 'Not a lot really. I just met him.'
Ok. Hold up. And back up to April 2015 when the note and business card were left in my mailbox. Not only did she know him then, but he confessed, while seated at my desk at work, that he knew the name when I said it to him. So that's not true. And her sister had been following me on instagram prior to that too. So........
This last one is about the duplex. The sender confesses that she has been there. The receiver says he had to get the duplex so he could get the divorce and that it wasn't far from my house. Then the sender (who claimed to not know he was married) says she knows this. And that he gave her a key.
I asked him about this key thing and I was told it wasn't true. Hmm..... And I was at this duplex about a month later and saw a lot of stuff in boxes. Like someone was moving in. He claimed he must have gotten them by accident and they weren't his. But he wouldn't say who they belonged to. And I know I'm not the only woman who was at that duplex after these messages were sent. So it had to be a bit scary or dangerous with her having that key and being able to walk in at any moment. Maybe he liked the thought. But now that I know the truth it makes me sick.
Now. Getting back to the pictures. What is wrong with this picture? Or these pictures? I have to say that it is really freeing to get this out. Truth is freeing for those who live in it. But for those who lie, deceive, manipulate and intentionally hurt others just so they can get what they want, well, they aren't friends with truth. Until they can come face to face with truth, shake hands with truth, embrace truth, they will never be free. And, while that is sad, it's not my place to free them. It never was even though I tried. I can pray for them. I can hope they get the help they need. But I'm not their savior. There is only One Savior. And I do pray they find Him. Soon.
Like those kids whose parents had been torturing them for years. Don't get me wrong. My heart hurt for them. But it wasn't like it used to be. Was my heart getting hard? Was I turning into the bad guy? I was really concerned when I asked her. The answer I got was amazing and made so much sense.
For years I haven't been able to control what happened to my kids and me. It didn't matter what I did or said, we were hurt. I couldn't seem to do anything to stop it. Anytime I heard about the abuse of other women and children, I actually mourned for them. I hurt so badly for them. But now I know they aren't my responsibility. While I can pray for them and feel badly for them, I no longer mourn for them. And it's actually a good thing! Because I'm finally getting to do what's right for my kids and me.
Another thing we talked about this week was me blogging about the truth. And it's a good thing too! I'm getting it out so that it doesn't constantly churn in my head all the time. Once I write it here, I don't have to think about it. So, I've got some pictures to share today. This is what has been bugging me this week and it's time to get it out. Not necessarily to hurt someone else, but so that I can heal. Because, like I found out last week, I is kind, I is smart, I is important.
Here it goes.........
So. As you can see by this first picture, this was sent to me in June 2016. It was a nice Sunday afternoon and I was minding my own business when I got this quick series of pictures of a messenger conversation. I didn't recognize the number it came from but I'm sure it was one of those texting apps and I quickly blocked it. So I don't know if this was the entire conversation or everything the sender meant for me to see. But this was what I got.
First of all, a messenger introduction. It happened on June 4, 2016 beginning at 1:13PM. They have a mutual friend, yada, yada, yada.
Now wait just a minute here. 14 months prior to this I had come home for lunch a found a note attached to a business card in my mailbox. The business card was complete with this sender's work info and cell number. The note attached addressed me as Mrs. Parks and instructed me to call her about him. I did not. I called her supervisor who asked me to email a picture of it and I did. The supervisor called me later to assure me she had spoken to this woman and nothing like this would happen again. So, the sender of this message KNEW he was in a relationship call MARRIAGE. Why on earth would she message another 'other woman' to find out if they were still together and if he was taken when she knew he was taken by MARRIAGE?
Also in this picture, she mentioned that her brother-in-law introduced them. Isn't that interesting considering her sister had been following me on instagram for quite some time and I couldn't figure out who she was or why she would be following me? I kept getting the creeps about it so, after a while, I blocked her. I only found out recently that it was her sister. And, that I've been taking walks by her sister's house for years and didn't even know that I was talking to her sister's dogs who would bark at me as I walked by. (Won't do that again!)
Now the questions continue. 'Is he divorcing his wife' to which the response is 'he's been divorcing her for the past 7 years'. Boy. Neither one had a clue on that one. I had filed in 2010 on grounds of adultery because of the relationship with the receiver in this conversation. But he told me that was over and he told me we were back together at the end of 2011 and he told me to drop it. So no. He had not been divorcing me for 7 years. He had filed just over 3 months prior to this conversation and had told me it was because his mother was dead and he no longer needed me to take care of her.
For some reason the receiver of the messages chose, at that time, to post a picture of her driver's license and a check book. Who knows.
Next picture. My blog. Nice to know they keep up with me so well. Not. And the receiver asks the sender just what he told her. The sender replied 'Not a lot really. I just met him.'
Ok. Hold up. And back up to April 2015 when the note and business card were left in my mailbox. Not only did she know him then, but he confessed, while seated at my desk at work, that he knew the name when I said it to him. So that's not true. And her sister had been following me on instagram prior to that too. So........
This last one is about the duplex. The sender confesses that she has been there. The receiver says he had to get the duplex so he could get the divorce and that it wasn't far from my house. Then the sender (who claimed to not know he was married) says she knows this. And that he gave her a key.
I asked him about this key thing and I was told it wasn't true. Hmm..... And I was at this duplex about a month later and saw a lot of stuff in boxes. Like someone was moving in. He claimed he must have gotten them by accident and they weren't his. But he wouldn't say who they belonged to. And I know I'm not the only woman who was at that duplex after these messages were sent. So it had to be a bit scary or dangerous with her having that key and being able to walk in at any moment. Maybe he liked the thought. But now that I know the truth it makes me sick.
Now. Getting back to the pictures. What is wrong with this picture? Or these pictures? I have to say that it is really freeing to get this out. Truth is freeing for those who live in it. But for those who lie, deceive, manipulate and intentionally hurt others just so they can get what they want, well, they aren't friends with truth. Until they can come face to face with truth, shake hands with truth, embrace truth, they will never be free. And, while that is sad, it's not my place to free them. It never was even though I tried. I can pray for them. I can hope they get the help they need. But I'm not their savior. There is only One Savior. And I do pray they find Him. Soon.
Sunday, February 4, 2018
You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important
These words that Aibileen said to Mae Mobley in "The Help" kept playing through my mind this week. Well, the word 'smart' was replaced with the word 'good'. But still. The words just keep sneaking up on me and talking to me. "You is kind, you is smart (good), you is important."
I've spent years trying to be good enough. Trying to be 'worth it'. Often feeling like I just didn't fit in. And some days those are the feelings that come at me from nowhere and hit me hard still.
But Aibileen's words came to me this week. And I was told, by someone who cares, that it was mostly likely the Holy Spirit speaking to me. Reminding me. Soothing me. Wanting me to realize that I count.
So Friday night I decided to treat myself to a nice, relaxing bath. I deserved to relax right? A fizzy bath bomb bath. Now I have to say here that I have never been a "Calgon take me away" kind of girl. I don't understand sitting in a warm bath, soaking, relaxing. Honestly, it's not relaxing for me even thinking about it! So, I was talking myself into this bath Friday night and telling myself it was a treat because I deserved it. While I was getting my mind ready to relax, I was looking through some stuff. And I came across this comment that had been posted to a blog I wrote last June. (I deleted the comments so they are no longer there. I felt they took away from that particular post.)
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Some Things I Don't Understand":
What I don't understand is how you can be so completely blind and naive. And maybe, just maybe it's time for you to give up. Your "hubby" that you speak of? Is welll....no longer interested. He's with me now, so get use to it! You're pathetic. I am glad to see that you finally stopped mentioning him in your profile. "Love being defined as his Wife", what did that get you? LOL sucker. It's just you and your precious Pippa now. If she had any sense, she'd run away too
Posted by Anonymous to Whispers and Echoes at June 10, 2017 at 4:04 PM
Now why someone would say something like that, I can't imagine. First of all, that blog was not about anything to do with him. (And this isn't the first time I've gotten this kind of sad comment on blogs where I talk about Jesus. I've had quite a few and from different women so that's really even sadder I suppose.)
For many years I covered 'indescretions' so it would be easier for him to come home. While these poor women were told outlandish stories about how horrible I was, I was home, looking through the blinds at all hours of the night, listening for the garage door to go up, laying awake, hoping and praying. I was holding my breath as I drove home because he would tell me he was there. But when I got there, he would have left just before I got home after telling me we would be spending the evening together and then I wouldn't be able to reach him the rest of the night.
What they didn't know was that I was waiting for him to come home from playing basketball when, in reality, there wasn't a game. What the woman who wrote this didn't know was that he had been calling me and texting me all day that day. Until I showed him this. And then he shut down and started blaming me for things and accusing me of things that weren't even close to truth. He wouldn't talk to me anymore. Wouldn't answer his phone. Only text hateful texts, accusing me of disgusting things.
My response to anonymous that day, and still today:
Dear "Anonymous"
I'm so sorry you're still confused and stalking me. It's so sad that you have nothing else to do. Please be a little more thorough though. If you will notice, all my social media profiles have been changed, cleaned up, to look more professional. My kids aren't mentioned either. So your reasoning doesn't pan out there.
And as far as this adulterous relationship you are bragging about, I am praying for you. The Bible explains many times what happens to those who commit adultery. And it's not pretty.
You obviously know absolutely nothing about my personal life other than what I share here and on instagram. I am very happy. My life is simply to glorify God. That's all. Everything else is up to Him. I hope you realize that you need Him too. I would be glad to introduce you to my Savior.
Posted by Kim Parks to Whispers and Echoes at June 10, 2017 at 6:34 PM
Which was followed by yet another 'anonymous' person adding in their two cents.
Dear Anonymous... You are not the only one he is with. I can prove that to you. He wasn't faithful to his wife or anyone else so why would he be faithful to you? I have recent "sex texts" from the past few weeks to prove what a fool you are. So get over yourself. And good luck with the cheating adulterous relationship.
Posted by Anonymous to Whispers and Echoes at June 12, 2017 at 5:29 PM
So are there days I almost feel like I'm losing my mind? You bet. But this week I am thankful that I have been reminded that I am kind, I am smart and I am important! Ephesians 2:10 tells us "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared, beforehand, that we should walk in them." My Lord made sure I saw that scripture on a mug this morning that I had put away for a possible gift. I knew I had to get that particular mug out but didn't know why. I didn't remember what it said. When I read this verse that is referenced on it, I knew it was telling me "You is kind, you is smart, you is important"............
Oh and that fizzy bath? Well I decided to craft instead. Maybe next time!
I've spent years trying to be good enough. Trying to be 'worth it'. Often feeling like I just didn't fit in. And some days those are the feelings that come at me from nowhere and hit me hard still.
But Aibileen's words came to me this week. And I was told, by someone who cares, that it was mostly likely the Holy Spirit speaking to me. Reminding me. Soothing me. Wanting me to realize that I count.
So Friday night I decided to treat myself to a nice, relaxing bath. I deserved to relax right? A fizzy bath bomb bath. Now I have to say here that I have never been a "Calgon take me away" kind of girl. I don't understand sitting in a warm bath, soaking, relaxing. Honestly, it's not relaxing for me even thinking about it! So, I was talking myself into this bath Friday night and telling myself it was a treat because I deserved it. While I was getting my mind ready to relax, I was looking through some stuff. And I came across this comment that had been posted to a blog I wrote last June. (I deleted the comments so they are no longer there. I felt they took away from that particular post.)
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Some Things I Don't Understand":
What I don't understand is how you can be so completely blind and naive. And maybe, just maybe it's time for you to give up. Your "hubby" that you speak of? Is welll....no longer interested. He's with me now, so get use to it! You're pathetic. I am glad to see that you finally stopped mentioning him in your profile. "Love being defined as his Wife", what did that get you? LOL sucker. It's just you and your precious Pippa now. If she had any sense, she'd run away too
Posted by Anonymous to Whispers and Echoes at June 10, 2017 at 4:04 PM
Now why someone would say something like that, I can't imagine. First of all, that blog was not about anything to do with him. (And this isn't the first time I've gotten this kind of sad comment on blogs where I talk about Jesus. I've had quite a few and from different women so that's really even sadder I suppose.)
For many years I covered 'indescretions' so it would be easier for him to come home. While these poor women were told outlandish stories about how horrible I was, I was home, looking through the blinds at all hours of the night, listening for the garage door to go up, laying awake, hoping and praying. I was holding my breath as I drove home because he would tell me he was there. But when I got there, he would have left just before I got home after telling me we would be spending the evening together and then I wouldn't be able to reach him the rest of the night.
What they didn't know was that I was waiting for him to come home from playing basketball when, in reality, there wasn't a game. What the woman who wrote this didn't know was that he had been calling me and texting me all day that day. Until I showed him this. And then he shut down and started blaming me for things and accusing me of things that weren't even close to truth. He wouldn't talk to me anymore. Wouldn't answer his phone. Only text hateful texts, accusing me of disgusting things.
My response to anonymous that day, and still today:
Dear "Anonymous"
I'm so sorry you're still confused and stalking me. It's so sad that you have nothing else to do. Please be a little more thorough though. If you will notice, all my social media profiles have been changed, cleaned up, to look more professional. My kids aren't mentioned either. So your reasoning doesn't pan out there.
And as far as this adulterous relationship you are bragging about, I am praying for you. The Bible explains many times what happens to those who commit adultery. And it's not pretty.
You obviously know absolutely nothing about my personal life other than what I share here and on instagram. I am very happy. My life is simply to glorify God. That's all. Everything else is up to Him. I hope you realize that you need Him too. I would be glad to introduce you to my Savior.
Posted by Kim Parks to Whispers and Echoes at June 10, 2017 at 6:34 PM
Which was followed by yet another 'anonymous' person adding in their two cents.
Dear Anonymous... You are not the only one he is with. I can prove that to you. He wasn't faithful to his wife or anyone else so why would he be faithful to you? I have recent "sex texts" from the past few weeks to prove what a fool you are. So get over yourself. And good luck with the cheating adulterous relationship.
Posted by Anonymous to Whispers and Echoes at June 12, 2017 at 5:29 PM
So are there days I almost feel like I'm losing my mind? You bet. But this week I am thankful that I have been reminded that I am kind, I am smart and I am important! Ephesians 2:10 tells us "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared, beforehand, that we should walk in them." My Lord made sure I saw that scripture on a mug this morning that I had put away for a possible gift. I knew I had to get that particular mug out but didn't know why. I didn't remember what it said. When I read this verse that is referenced on it, I knew it was telling me "You is kind, you is smart, you is important"............
Oh and that fizzy bath? Well I decided to craft instead. Maybe next time!
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