3 Years Ago Today

     It's cold and raining today.  Not cold enough to snow.  But cold enough to make the rain feel like it's telling me that being outside is not a good idea.  It sounds pretty, though.  Comforting.  Cozy.  

     Three years ago today, at about this same time, the weather was just like this.  It was a Sunday morning and I had spent much of the day before in the same place I was going that day.  In the nursing home.  The nurses, CNAs food service workers, visiting ministers and maintenance staff.  The families of other residents.  Many of them knew me by now.   Many referred to her as my mother.  Sometimes I would correct them and tell them she was my mother-in-law.  Sometimes I didn't.  It would just create a conversation about how I was the one who was there all the time and I would end up defending him.  

     The journey that brought her and I to that day, that day three years ago today, wasn't easy by any means.  We had our differences.  Oh boy, did we ever.  But, after she became unable to work and both of us did some changing, I think we kinda needed each other.  

     Crazy thing, I never knew how it would all change me.  My youngest son recently sent me a text that included a link to a song he had just heard.  A song by a son describing how his mom became a mother to her mom.  He sent this to me during my work day, thanking me for what I had done for his grandmother and apologizing for not doing more back then (oh my! He was a kid!).  I went to the restroom and listened to the song and sobbed.  I ugly cried.  I hadn't done anything special.  I just took care of her.  But that he had seen it that way.  I am such a blessed momma.  I have amazing kids.  

     But when it was all happening, I did what I knew needed to be done.  She needed someone.  We moved her here so she would be near family.  Usually that meant me.  And that was fine.  Often, her son would not be even reachable.  Oh, there were times he would be available, when it was good for him.  I've mentioned before how he had affairs with her caregivers and, while she was still mentally alert, she knew and had to live with that.  I don't know how she did it.

     The night I was called to her assisted living apartment to pick her up and take her to the ER several years prior was when the real intense care giving began.   He was supposed to be at work.  But he wouldn't answer his phone.  I sat almost all night in the ER with her, until they decided to admit her.  Our two youngest kids had just gotten back from church camp and I hadn't even gotten to talk with them much.  And here I was, making the decisions, while he wouldn't even answer his phone and would only respond sporadically via text.

     Fast forward to three and a half years ago.  I was at work and stressed more than I had ever been in any job.  The call came in to me that June day.  She was being taken from her nursing home to the ER.  I was the only one available to meet her there and she had to have a family member.  Why was I the only one available?  He was in Mexico with one of the women he was having an affair with.  But I couldn't tell anyone.  I was protecting him.  Again.  

     When he returned, he came to the hospital.  She and I were in her hospital room by then.  A room that looked out towards the office of yet another woman he was having an affair with.  Although I didn't realize it at the time.  He visited her briefly and then left.  To go home.  Our home.  Where we were supposed to pretend like all was well.  And then he worked most of the rest of her hospital stay, only visiting her when I begged.

     I spent all of my free time that hospital stay, plus subsequent ER visits and another hospital stay, with her.  No one else could get her to eat.  He did go to another hospital out of town with her for a while.  Until she was brought home.  And then he disappeared, giving the ambulance drivers directions on what to tell me so I could take care of her and he didn't have to come home.  Again, not answering his phone or texts and not telling anyone where he was.

     I determined, after her terminal diagnosis, to make sure she got to go to church every time she could.  I fed her a meal usually at least once a day.  and I spent my weekends mostly with her.  I didn't want any regrets.  And I wanted her to know she was loved.

     We were called one morning that last week, woken up early.  The 'calling in the family' call.  He got mad.  We got up and I hurried as he took his time.  When we got there, he declared she was sleeping just fine and we didn't need to be called.  They had bothered us for nothing.  That was a Thursday morning.  I'm not sure he ever went back after that day.

     Three years ago today.  Three years ago today I walked into the nursing home, out of the rain.  The nurse on duty had been waiting for me.  My mother in law had taken a turn for the worse.   I hurried to her room.  She struggled to breathe, even with oxygen turned as high as it could safely be turned.  I tried to get him to come up there.  He was at work.  He refused.  Over and over.  He refused.  I just couldn't leave her.  

     I monitored her pulse-ox and took her temperature.  I had never seen a fever so high.  And yet it just kept going up.  The nurse left her pulse-ox thingy with me (I'm a banker, not a medical person.  All this was foreign to me in a way.  But I was doing all I could to make her comfortable and take care of her.). The minister came in and prayed.  I sang to her and talked to her about Jesus and about her family.  The ones here and the ones gone before.  

     I called him and I texted him.  He needed to come up there but he refused.  The nurses said she would be more comfortable, towards the end, without the oxygen but he ordered that she keep it on.  He refused to be present but wanted to be in charge.  

     I called her other son and daughter in law.  Preparations were made for a drive to begin immediately in order to get there before she was gone.  Then they realized there was no way.  So they called.  And they spoke to her one last time.  They told her how much they loved her and thanked her for being who she was.  She nodded.  One of the few times she responded that whole day.

     As shifts changed, work staff would come in to tell her goodbye and give her kisses.  The last group came just after 11pm.  One CNA said it wouldn't be long now.  She was right.  Just after 11:30, she opened her eyes and looked towards me.  I wasn't sure at first what she said.  Then I realized.  She told me 'bye bye'.  I kissed her on the forehead and told her I loved her.  A few minutes later, she was with Jesus.  

     She gave me a beautiful gift that day.  I don't fear death.  She let me be a part of her going Home.  Who on earth would have ever thought that, despite all the craziness and pain brought on by the choices of others, she and I would have been together for that moment.  Nobody.  But God.  

Little Things and Hidden Treasures

     It's hard sometimes.  That's an understatement.  It's hard a lot of times.  This new life I mean.  This being brave and not taking ownership of something that isn't mine to own.  This being able to concentrate and read a whole sentence.  Not sure why I expect others to read this since I have trouble reading this much myself.  It's hard enough just getting the words out.  But healing at the same time.
     Little things.  Those little things that make me laugh are coming more and more often.  But I won't say those other things don't get under my skin at times.  My kids and I had such a good Thanksgiving celebration, for example.  Then, as we were resting that evening and watching a movie together, a not so good little thing happened.  I received a notification that my former husband liked a photo on my instagram.  I'm sure some people would think that was great.  But, when it was a post from over 4 years ago, and when this is an absolutely no contact situation because of the horrific mental, emotional, sexual, spiritual, financial and every other kind of abuse he inflicted on me, that one little thing threw me for a loop.
     So why was he stalking me that night?  (Yes. The word is appropriate.)  Who knows.  And who cares, except for the fact that he just won't drop it but makes sure others think I'm crazy.  Pretty sure I'm not.  Also pretty sure I've learned I don't have to own that garbage anymore.  No matter what he tells others, I know the truth.
     Seeing his instagram handle pop up on my notifications, connected with a like, would have given me hope a couple of years ago.  Now it creeps me out.  Realizing he had looked through at least 4 years of pictures before clicking like on that one. Knowing that wasn't all he did that night, that his stalking involved more.  It’s called a trigger. What it did to me. I needed to breathe. To concentrate on how wonderful our day had been as a family and not let him ruin it like he had so many times in the past. I prayed. It had been the best Thanksgiving, maybe even the best holiday we had ever had as a family. We were happy. And I couldn’t let him ruin it.  Not with this one little thing. Not like he used to do.
     I'm getting better all the time.  But I'm also learning that having set backs every now and then, well it's ok.  Little things trigger me somethings.  Also big ones.  Like the day he drove the firetruck right up in front of the place I work so he could let a co-worker out.  Then he proceeded to do all he could to see me.  I had to get up, walk away from my desk,  and stop working, hiding in the back til they left.  Seriously?  After all he has done to me?  After all the lies he has told people about me?  Why was he trying so hard to see me?  I could feel the anxiety creeping up through my arms.  I’ve learned to recognize it now. And I’m learning how to calm down.  But why on earth would he do that?
     And how about the 2 times recently, so far, that he's driven the fire truck around in the parking lot in front of my building?  In the 12 years I've worked there, no firetruck has ever been driven around like that in the parking lot to my recollection.   He has done it twice lately. That I’ve seen. Not to let someone out.  Just to do.  That big truck.  Intentionally used to trigger me.  Why?  Denials. Excuses. Lies. Calling me crazy. But no more. I won’t take that on me. His actions are not my fault, not my imagination and not my responsibility. Never have been.
     All these things are difficult.  Sometimes I can't breathe.  But, eventually, and even a lot sooner than it used to be, I'm finding treasures and triumphs hidden in the struggles. I’m choosing to listen to God sooner.  I hear Him telling me to slow down, trust Him, wait.  I sense Him calming me.  Even in the most difficult events that hurt the hearts of my kids. Yes, they are adults. Adults that have spent their whole lives hurting because of someone else’s choices. Smiling in public because mom did. But, knowing that, when we got home, the tears would come again. They each still try to deal with it all in their own way. We’ve all become masters of looking good on the outside.  
     If I could change that one thing for them, if there was one thing I could do so that their dad would have been a godly father for real, or would become one, I would do it. I tried. Oh how I tried. But it’s not my job. All I can do is pray. Be honest. And no longer carry the guilt he piled on me. The blame for his sin. It’s not mine to carry. It doesn’t belong to my children either. I hate seeing them hurt.  If I could change just this one little thing......

Being Single

     Single.  Just me.  Not married.  And not what I had expected at this point in my life.  I know some people wouldn't blame me for being angry.  Sometimes I kinda am.  Angry that is.  Not because I'm single, but, rather, because of the way I became that way.
     You see, I've lived most of my adult life married but alone.  While I was doing all I could to honor my vows, I was the only one.  Most nights were spent alone and wondering.  I suppose I have the right to be bitter.  But I'm not.  That would just take up more of my life and I'm pretty sure God has better plans for the time I have left.  So I try really hard to not be bitter.
     But I'm single.  For real now.  Not just by myself and lonely like I was when I was married.  But single.  It's a whole new frame of mind.  A new way of thinking.  All these years I've worked hard to not let myself be attracted to other men.  I made a vow and I had every intention of keeping it.  No matter what.  Now is it ok if I am?
     Being married, even if I was the only one living that way, was a safeguard from other men.  Now  I have to decide what to do when a man wants to talk to me, compliments me or asks me out.  There are times I feel like I have a flashing sign above my head, pointing me out as a newly single woman.  Ugh.
     I don't trust men.  At all.  My marriage taught me that.  I learned that men are all about themselves.  None of them can be trusted.  What appears to be something nice is nothing more than a man wanting something for himself with no concern for me.  If I do start trusting a man, he will lie to me, use me, abuse me and leave me.  I won't go there again.  I would rather be alone than go through any of that again.
     Something new has come with being single this time though.  Something I didn't expect.  It's confidence.  I have absolutely no problem whatsoever telling a man 'no'.  I won't go back to that life of being used and abused ever again.  Ever.
     Several people have commented to me lately that at least I've been asked out.  Seriously??  I'm not a desperate spinster from the 1950's, waiting for a knight in shining armor to rescue me.  I've already been rescued.  By my Savior.  The things the Lord has been doing for me are so absolutely amazing.
     He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.  It doesn't matter if I'm single or not.  God will use where I am, here and now.  And He has introduced me to someone new.  Me. I'm getting to know the me He made me to be.  And that's just fine.

Bury Me in Red Lipstick

     Do you have a bucket list?  I'm not sure that I really do.  But if you wanna call it that, I guess I took a big ole chunk off my bucket list this summer when my youngest son, Zack, and I took an amazing trip to Hawaii.
     Speaking of Hawaii, have you ever been there?  Oh my!  This trip was more than a dream come true.  I suppose we each had small bucket lists within the big bucket lists that took us there in the first place.  Flying in over a rainbow, greeted by friends with traditional Hawaiian leis, waking up each morning to Waikiki Beach, a walk on the North Shore as sea turtles poked their heads up out of the water.
     Should I continue?  Ok so really fast.  Dole Pineapple Plantation, 'Elvis has been here' in our hotel!  Spending my birthday walking up Waikiki Beach and then enjoying the best luau on the island from the best seats right up by the stage!  (I even volunteered to get on stage and hula!)  Hiking Diamond Head---well that was not a part of my bucket list but I'm very glad we did it.  I've got the pictures and t-shirt to prove it!
     A submarine ride.  Sunsets and fireworks.  Beautiful beaches.  And, of course, Pearl Harbor.  Oh boy, am I ever ready to go back!
     But back to that bucket list.  I would have to say that I could call my list all but completely checked off just because I finally got to take this trip.  It has been a goal of mine for many, many years.  Pretty much everything else on my list are things that I don't really have control over.  You know, like becoming a grandma.  That kind of thing.
     So while I wait for others to take care of that portion of my list, I am just having the best time getting to know my kids all over again as adults.  Did it tell you that four of them have now graduated college and one completed grad school?  Yep,  I'm pretty proud of them!  As a mom, having healthy, happy, well rounded kids who know Jesus is the best thing you could ever have fulfilled on your bucket list.
     I will say there are a few tiny itty bitty things that I would like to do though.  Most of them involve being brave.  That and having the opportunity.  After all I've come through the last several years, one would think I wouldn't be afraid of anything. But there are still a few things I wanna do that I just haven't quite gotten up the nerve to do.
     One of those things is something I've attempted to do many times.  But I just don't have the guts.  And that's wear bright lipstick.  So.  If we could count this as my final request, can I please be buried in red lipstick?  Well, maybe not buried because I prefer that my earthly remains be taken care of in a different manner.  But, if my kids decide to have a viewing once I'm gone, I would like to have my hair done really nicely, my nails done, makeup on, and especially bright red lipstick.  Not like a clown of course.  But like a classy lady.  Shinny red please.  I've never had the guts to wear it, even though I've started to several times.  
     Just think of the conversations it will start!  You know how people talk about the dearly departed and how 'good' they look as they lay there in the casket and people walk by gawking at them.  Imagine what they will say when they see my bright red lipstick!
     Anyway, I guess that just about covers it.  Hawaii, check.  Kids grown up and living happy successful lives, check.  Being buried in red lipstick, we can wait a while on that one.  But try to remember for me.  Okay?

It's Alarming!

     It has been a few weeks now.  Actually, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.  There have been plenty of opportunities.  Then again, maybe blaming the metal in my shoes was a bit off when they went off before.
     What am I talking about?  Security alarms.  Yeah, I set off one at the airport.  We were beginning the first leg of our trip to Hawaii.  Shoes off.  Carry ons, etc, on the conveyor for X-ray. I watched those before me, including my son, as they put their bare feet on the shoe shaped marks on the floor in the huge, glass cylinder and held their arms up over their heads.  Everyone was going right on through.  Then it was my turn.
     My poor son......"Why her?  Why in THAT area?" he thought as TSA escorted me to the side and asked if I needed a private room.  I knew what caused it.  Guess I'd never told my child about my surgery souvenirs.  Two metal staples that held the left ureter (a tube that I didn't even know what was until the surgery situation) to the left kidney on one end and to my bladder on the other.
     I'm pretty sure he was more embarrassed and concerned than I was.  And hoping this was not  a sign of things to come on our Hawaiian adventure.  (It certainly was NOT!  Best trip ever!)  I told TSA that I didn't need a private room, partly to get it over with and partly because I didn't want to be separated from my son while he was left to wonder what was going on.  So there I stood, being patted down, waist to knees, right there in front of everybody.
     Thankfully it didn't take too long and we were free to go on through.  Just had a thought....this might have added to my child (who was also my caregiver and babysitter at times) having heart burn that day.  Anyway, never again, at least on this trip, did my staples cause an issue.
     But isn't it interesting how we look at others when they are going through something we don't understand?  There may have been those who judged me that day, just as we judge others dealing with things we only know the minimum about.  They could have laughed, pointed or even gotten upset because my staples held up the line.  But if they did, I didn't see it.  And I'm glad.
     I suppose I could have gotten upset at the whole situation.  I, of all people, would not be smuggling anything illegal on a plane.  How dare they treat me that way!  I could have had a wall-eyed fit.  But I smiled and complied.  Chalked it up to just another adventure, a day in the life....
     What did surprise me about this whole situation?  How it came to mind tonight after I was having a bit of discomfort in that kidney area.  And how it brought the thoughts, from that day.  The realization of how we need to have compassion, whether we understand what someone is going through or not.  Chances are, we don't know the whole story.  And how being able to smile when things aren't exactly how you wanted them to be is a good thing.
     Isn't it funny how God teaches us things through these odd situations?  Getting and having these staples has not really been enjoyable.  But being taught new stuff about life and love and forgiveness and compassion.....well that's just pretty cool.

Beauty from Ashes

     Just block her.  That's what I was told.  She had found my number connected to him on a website.  She didn't know who she was texting, but I was one of those who got a text.  'Sorry, not sorry that I caught you with your new girlfriend.'  Oh boy.  Here we go again.

     Over the years I had learned not to call him when this sort of thing happened because he wasn't going to answer.  But he might respond to a text.  When he told me this time to block her, I decided not to.  Oh I had in the past.  Had blocked many numbers that had brought harassment related to his infidelities.  But this time I decided to first see what she had to say.  But, more importantly, tell her about Jesus.
     It wasn't long before truth took over.  In many ways.  We discovered she had been lied to almost as much as I had.  He had just had lunch with her a week prior and made plans for their future.  She had no idea that he was living with this woman.  He told her that I had postponed the divorce over and over and she even knew all the court dates.  He failed to tell her that I had counterfiled on grounds of adultery and that he had denied committing adultery. He painted me as the horrible person who tortured him and himself as the innocent victim.
     Over the course of the next few days, I discovered this lady had been used and hurt for almost 4 years.  Strung along and lead to believe there would be a future.  But, at the same time, being harassed by another woman and discovering even more indiscretions than I even knew about.
     We became friends.  My heart hurt for her and her heart hurt for me.  We hurt for each other's kids.  Now that truth was really coming to light.
     Then, one year ago tonight, something happened.  I'll let her tell you.  Please click on this link to see what happened. 
Susie’s Story
     I hope you could hear through my tears.  That night I had no idea that she was in such deep despair.  I knew something was wrong.  But I didn't know how bad it was.  When it was all happening, when we were praying, it was just so amazing!  After years and years of women contacting me because of him, I was finally getting to be a part of God doing something big!
     You see, over the years I had had many calls, notes, social media messages, texts, you name it.  All informing me about his other relationships while we were married.  Some were women he had scorned and they were mad.  Some had caught him with another and still others had discovered we were still married even though he told them we weren't.
     There was a time when I would almost start the phone conversations asking the women if they knew Jesus.  One day I asked God to make it all stop.  I had just had too much.  I didn't want to deal with it anymore.
     It did stop for a while.  Only to start up again, larger and more involved.  My faith was questioned and mocked.  My kids suffered.  And more and more people were drawn in to the disgusting life he had followed the devil into.
     But back to my friend.  That night God had a plan.  He loved her so much that, He not only wanted to save her life, but He wanted to save her soul!  He wanted her to be His precious daughter!
     I didn't know, that night, what she was going through.  I just knew what God wanted me to do.  And then, almost two weeks ago, I got to witness her baptism. I can’t even begin to describe the joy!
     I can't tell you how many times I've asked the Lord to use this mess.  To take away the pain.  To let truth prevail.  Seeing the Holy Spirit all over her face in this picture just tells it all.  
What the devil meant for evil, God IS using for good! (Genesis 50:20).  And I am so thankful to be a part. And this video is absolutely beautiful. Beauty from ashes.
Susie’s Baptism

I Forget

   
   December.....no wait.  It's August.  It happens all the time.  You would think the weather would be a clue.  But when I was taking notes in church this morning and starting with the date, I started to write December.  Ugh.
   'Mom.  We just discussed this last week.'  I start trying to place the conversation and I can't even remember talking to him last week.  But I don't want him to think I don't care so I try really hard to catch up quickly on the subject at hand.  Responding as appropriately as I possibly can, but getting a funny look and knowing I'm probably way off.
     'Oh yeah.  You showed me those pictures yesterday.  That's great though!'  Less than 24 hours prior and I don't have a clue.  We talked?  About this?  I try all day but I just can't remember.  I could manufacture the conversation but I can't remember it.
     Now before you diagnose me with Alzheimer's or think I'm just plain rude, let me tell you that I have thought of both those things and quite a few things in between already.  Then I remembered something. Yes, I said it.  I remembered.
     What did we do before we had the Internet to tell us how to get where we were going, what we needed to eat, read, and what was wrong with us?  Of course that's where I went.  And, sure enough, there it was.  PTSD.
     Just when I think I'm getting away from those letters, they hit me again.  And one of the symptoms is short term memory loss.  But it's not just the loss of a conversation here and there.  Some days I can't remember what season it is!  Did we just have Christmas or is it coming soon?  I'm cold....is it because the air conditioning is too low or because it's winter?  I really don't know without stopping and thinking.
     Sometimes there's a little panic that accompanies the confusion.  I mean, if Christmas is here already, I've got a lot to do!  And, until I realized PTSD was the memory culprit, I wasn't sure if there might be something more serious going on.
     Not that PTSD isn't serious.  Boy, do I know it is.  There are days I hurt all over from it.  I can feel it trying to come out my arms like sweat through the pores except it's painful.  Yep.  That's another thing it does.  I'm tired of PTSD.
     So here's the deal.  I know God did not give this to me.  He gives us a sound mind.  And PTSD is certainly not sound mind material.  But you know what else I know?  He works all things together for my good even with this.
     For now I will keep on trusting.  Keep on believing.  Keep on praying.  And occasionally panic when triggered or thinking I need to get that turkey and dressing cooked but it's the middle of summer and not even close to Thanksgiving.  Now if I could just get my friends and family to realize I'm not crazy or rude or succumbing to Alzheimer's.  And someday I'm hoping we can all laugh about this.  Just not over the Thanksgiving Dinner I've prepared on the 4th of July.

Russian Spies!

     Can you believe it?!?!  I have Russian Spies reading my blogs!!!!!!  I never realized I was so important.  Wonder what they are looking for.......  Government secrets perhaps.  Yeah, that's probably it.  Especially since I have so many of those.  But how did they find me out?  I had such a good cover.  Just a normal mom who's trying to do her best.  

     Before you think I've totally lost my mind, here's the deal.  I'm not sure why, but someone is still 

'stalking' my blogs and trying to hid to do so.  How?  By using a proxy service to hide their IP.  The country they've chosen to hide behind most recently?  Russia.  Go figure.  So here I am.  Me and Donald Trump.

     Now if it was just the latest post, I wouldn't think anything of it.  But my Russian Spies have chosen to read specific blogs.  Those from when I first wrote about the truth of our lives. When we were letting healing begin.  I'm pretty sure that no one in Russia would really care to repeatedly go to those specific blogs.  I mean seriously.  What's it to Russia anyway?

     No.  It's someone involved.  And they aren't hiding as well as they think they are.  You know how people say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?  Well here's the deal.  God is everywhere.  Whether you are in Las Vegas, NV,  Washington DC, or Moscow, Russia.  God is there.  He sees all.  He knows all.  Nothing can be hidden from Him.  

     And there is no proxy with God.  At least not one you can hide behind.  Oh you can pretend.  We can all pretend.  But there is no hiding.  He knows.  He doesn't approve.  But He has provided a way out.  Jesus.  

     For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son so that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.  (John 3:16)  Jesus is the only way.  The only real Proxy is Jesus.  But we can't hide behind Him.  He took our place on the cross.  He died for our sins.  He was our proxy.  

     Would you like to know the real Proxy?  I would love to introduce you to Him.  His name is Jesus.  He knows your name.  And He's waiting for you.  

Movin' On Up, Over, and Down the Road

     Do you like moving?  I guess I'm not a big fan of it.  I've lived in the same house since 1993.  But lately there has been a lot of moving going on.  

     Starting with work.  In the last 3 years I've changed work stations four times.  I've been moved into two offices and had more duties added to my daily routine.  Now I find myself right back at the same desk where I started many years ago.  Did I get demoted?  Nope.  Apparently it has to do with the fact that I smile.....like all the time.  And a smile makes a big difference.

     Smiling.  That got me thinking.  Ever wonder what's behind some one's smile?  I've been accused of smiling and even laughing at times when most people would be doing anything but.  Like the time I was on a float trip many, many, MANY years ago.  I was tired, cold, soaked from being tumped over, and I wanted off that river.  But no one believed me because I was smiled when I sternly demanded "get me off this river!".  

     The last few months, people have told me that they can see the joy in my eyes again.  They could see my smile all long.  But they couldn't see the joy.  There is so much more to a smile that just a physical action.  People like to talk.  I love to hear their stories.  Their testimonies.  The amazing awful things God has brought them through.  And I've noticed that, if they trust Him, they are usually smiling while they are telling their stories.  I find that fascinating.  

     Back to this moving thing.  I've got several kids moving this summer.  In fact I spent last Saturday helping kids move.  The apartment that had been chosen for them over two years ago.  This apartment looked great on the outside but has been a nightmare.  From maintenance issues to you name it, it has been horrible.  Not at all what was promised when the lease was originally signed.

     Well Saturday we got things moving on down the road.  There I was, packing one car, then the next car and the next.  Until my car door wouldn't unlock.  With my hands full, in 100 plus degree heat index weather, I stepped just wrong off the curb.  And that's when it happened.  I sprained my ankle.  Right there in front of neighbors and everything.  

     We hadn't even gotten one piece of furniture moved and here I was, broken down!  But I wasn't going to let it get to me.  I chose to limp through the pain and continue moving right on down the line.  Til I bumped the back of my hand just wrong and a very sore knot immediately rose up, making it difficult for me to use my hand.  

    Did I let it get me down?  Of course not!  Did I tell everyone and show off my injuries?  You know I did!  And the next day at church, I limped in.  When it came time to shake hands, I found out my hand was bruised right where people put their thumbs when shaking hands.  A couple of those people almost took me down and didn't even know it.  Why didn't they know?  Because I smiled.  At that made all the difference.  

I Haven't Felt Lead

     No I don't need poked with a pencil, thank you very much.  And that's not the kind of lead I mean.  Many times I've said that I will write when I feel lead.  Meaning that I believe the Lord has given me something that I need to write when I need to write it.  That hasn't been happening much lately.  And I'm fine with that. 
     But today I have something to write.   The last week or so has been tough.  There have been more ups and downs that I have experienced in quite a while.  I found myself slipping back into the old ways.  PTSD was coming out in pain all over me as I dealt with junk. 
     Then I remembered.....it wasn't my junk to deal with.  I took a nice walk.  I sang in the shower.  Loudly.  I prayed.  I shed a few tears.  It belonged to God, not me.

KIDS
      Sometimes it's really hard to give stuff up.  Even to God.  Especially when it involves your kids.  I've got some pretty amazing kids.  In fact, I wanna be like them when I grow up.  I suppose that means I did my job as a parent, for the most part anyway.  It's still hard when they are going through difficult times.  But you know, you just gotta trust that you raised them right even when things aren't going so great.  And know that you taught them to trust God no matter what. 
     I think moms have the most difficult times when grown up kids are going through confusing times.  Knowing your kids are hurting and you just can't do anything but listen and wait til you know they want you to respond is a difficult tight rope to walk.  Recently I was reminded that my kids belong to God.  If I trust Him to take care of me, I'm pretty sure I can trust Him to take care of my kids too. 

COMPLIMENTS
     Several times lately I have received compliments.  Very nice compliments.  I will confess, I don't know what to do with them.  I feel like, if I accept them, I will seem arrogant.  Or else the person complimenting me will suddenly yell "psych!" and start laughing at me. 
     So I've decided to do something about it.  Well sometimes anyway.  I can smile.  And go forward.  And be thankful that God is using me to touch the life of someone else.  That's the important thing right?  Even if they do shout out "psych!  gotcha!", at least they got a laugh. 
   
LOOSE ENDS
     There have been so many things happen around here in just the last couple of months.  Some are done, put away and never to be looked at again.  Some are to be remembered fondly.  And some still sting a bit.  Like how I hate hearing the term 'ex'.  I prefer to say 'former'.  'Ex' sounds cheap.  I don't consider my past cheap.  It cost an awful lot.  In fact it's still not paid for and my family will be paying for it from now on in one way or another.  But we are learning.  And we are growing.  It's no longer one step forward and two steps back.  It's more like 3 steps forward and one step back.  So that's progress! 
     But there are some loose ends that we can tie up.  We've discussed some of those.  And some I've been praying about.  And thought about.  And prayed about some more before I move forward with tying up those loose ends.  But I am very confident those lose ends will be tied up.

FEELING LEAD
     What does it all come down to today?  Feeling lead.  How do we know if we are 'lead'?  It will be according to God's Word.  It will be for His glory.  And it will be for our good.  Even if it looks like the complete opposite at first.  We gotta trust Him.  And make sure, when we are feeling lead, that He is the One doing the leading. 
   

Commencement

     Commencement.  Okay so I'm from the south and some people might call me uncultured.  But we always called it graduation.  In fact, when I hear the word commence, the first thought that comes to my mind is usually something like a line from The Beverly Hillbillies.  Remember Jethro?  He would get upset about something and would say "I’m commencin' to get riled up".
     That being said, I guess you could describe this last week as a week of commencing.  It started on Monday when I finally was set free from a marriage I didn't want to lose.  I believe, as God's Word says, that marriage is a covenant between one man and one woman for life.  That God hates divorce.  Since God hates it, so can I.  Yet I also know that God hates how my kids and I were treated for so many years.  So I am now commencing my new life as a single, but no longer abused, woman.  That makes me smile.
     When this week began, I was doing the work that should have been done by his attorney over a month ago.  For some reason he chose to drop the divorce after court.  I don't know why.  So it was left to me and my attorney to get things finished.  He changed part of the paperwork to benefit him.  The only way to get it changed back would have required a delay and he knew I couldn't financially afford a delay.  He thinks he won.  But he lost.  Big time.  No wife dedicated to him for life.  No complete family.  All because of his choices.
      So now I am commencing my new life.  Not the life I chose.  But I do choose to trust the Lord with it.  Funny thing, I was told twice in one day that I had lost weight, when in reality I've gained.  It must be the 'weight' that has been lifted off me.  Like Jethro, I am commencin' to live!  And it's wonderful.
    Yesterday I attended the college graduations of my two youngest children.  Commencements.  Wow.  How did it happen so fast?  There were some tears and some cheers.  And thankfulness as prayers have been answered so beautifully.  I heard their names announced and I watched them walk across the stage.  Symbolizing commencement.
     I am now the proud momma of 4 college graduates, one of whom has his master's degree, 4 who have really good jobs.... should I go on?  I could you know!  It was only yesterday that I was taking 4 and 5 kids with me everywhere I went.  Piles of laundry, many meals of mac and cheese and chicken nuggets.  Now they do their own laundry and we dined yesterday at a nice restaurant where, instead of mac and cheese, we had baba ghanouj and  bruschetta and goat cheese. (And it was yummy by the way!)
    Commencement.  You know, I'm thinking that every day is a chance to commence.  To begin.  To start out new.  Leave behind what needs to be left behind.  Carry forward what needs to be carried forward.  I don't believing in 'moving on' with life.  I believe in moving forward.  Commencing.  And I'll just tell you what.......I am perfectly happy now....commencing.
   

Like Job

     "He's gone through so much, it reminds me of Job."  Ever hear anyone say that?  Seems that phrase, or something like it, is often said when someone has gone through a lot of heartache or loss.  But that doesn't mean they are like Job.
     Losing a loved one, a marriage falling apart, car repossessed, mortgage foreclosed or a job lost.  The list can go on and on.  Life can throw us all kinds of horrible things that just don't seems fair.  But still, none of these things allow us to be compared to Job.
     Job was a righteous man.  He set the standard in every category.  He lead his family spiritually.  Ten kids and they all got along well.  They spent time together.  He had a good marriage.  He was respected by all. 
     Most important though, Job gave God the best parts of his life.  He knew he was nothing without God.  So that made him a target.  He had just the attitude that the devil didn't like.  Interesting......the devil just knew Job would fall in just the right circumstances.  But God knew Job for real.  He knew what Job was made of.  And He even bragged about Job!
     God allowed satan to attack Job in almost every way, knowing what Job's reaction would be.  Now that part of Job's life is where people get confused.  They think, when they see someone going through stuff, it's just like Job.  But it's not.  To be like Job means that your life had to be so godly in the first place that the only reason you are going through these things is for God to be glorified and to prove that you are real in your faith.
     Too many times we feel sorry for ourselves.  We allow others to feel sorry for us.  We listen to their advise and things get worse.  And no.  That's not like Job at all. 
     So what is it like to really be like Job?   To be like Job means to live a righteous life no matter what.  Job was a righteous man when he had everything.  He remained a righteous man when he lost everything and was covered in painful sores from head to toe.  He never one time gave up on God. And God doubly blessed him for his faithfulness.
     How often do we argue with God when things don't go as planned?  We tend to blame Him when the least little thing happens.  Christians today seem to think everything should be sunshine and roses all day long every day.  But there can be no growth without troubles. 
     Attitude.  So much of what we go through and how things turn out depend on our attitude.  Job's attitude towards God never changed.  If anything, his faith grew stronger.  Now that is a way we could all strive to be more like Job.  In attitude.  In faith. 
     So, to really be like Job is not to have a life of catastrophes.  But to have a life of faith.  No matter what we are going through. 
     Do you know Him?  Would you like to?  I would love to introduce you. 

A Fate Worse Than Death

     Unexpected.  That phone call.  That text.  It happened twice in 3 days this week.  That's two times too many.  Gone way too soon and it's like a chunk of your heart goes too.

     The first call came on Sunday afternoon when I was informed that my sister in law had passed away that morning.  At only 59 years old, by most standards she was still considered young.  However, she had been in ill health for many years.  She was an interesting character.  Prior to going into a nursing home just over 2 years ago, I could count on her to call me at the most odd times.  Many of those calls came late on Saturday nights when I was exhausted.
     The last several years she had declined healthwise.  I had never known her to be in the best of health in the last almost 29 years we were family.  But she would often talk about the Lord.  There were times she would call me hurting, her heart breaking and lonely.  But then she would call me another night and would talk about her love for the Lord. 
     While I knew she was in really bad health, it was still an unexpected event, hearing that she was gone.  Somehow I always expect the one telling me that kind of news to follow it up by telling me it wasn't really true.  I mean my kids had faked that kind of thing on social media a couple of times so why couldn't this be just something like that too?
   
     Wednesday morning.  A text from my sister told us that a 55 year old cousin had been taken to the hospital with a heart attack.  Of course I started praying immediately.  He was young.  Healthy.  Strong.  Always smiling.  When the text said it was bad I thought it was just drama on someone's part but didn't know who's.  Medicine is amazing these days and there was no way he wouldn't make it.
     Thirty-five minutes later the next text came.  It simply read "He passed away".  How could this have happened?  There was no way it was true.  When was the last time I saw him?  Oh how his wife's and son's hearts must be breaking.  Not to mention his mother.  I hadn't seen him in years yet it truly felt like a chuck of me was gone.  Ripped away.   
     The flood of childhood memories was so sweet as they rose higher in my mind.  How he sang "On the Wings of a Dove" at church, straining his vocal cords as a little boy, lisping, but hitting the notes as perfectly as possible.  The smile that he had every time I ever saw him.  A 'chance' lunch we had together as teenagers at a restaurant owned by our aunt and uncle.  I remember he shared a secret with me.  How I wish I remembered the details now.
     What I do know is that he loved the Lord.  There was never a doubt about that.  He was ornery, fun loving, a typical boy back in the day.  But he loved the Lord. 
     While it's sad that they are gone from us, we know they are in Heaven, celebrating.  No pain.  No sadness.  And there is a fate worse than death.  It's dying without knowing Jesus.  When that happens, there is no joy.  No celebration.  Only darkness, pain, loneliness.....hell.  If you know Him, you have no need to worry.  If you don't know Him, your fate is worse than the fear of death itself.  More painful than any pain that precedes death.  It's eternity in hell.  And it's inevitable if you don't know Him.
     If you've never met Him, may I introduce you?  He's waiting for you now. 

Do We Laugh or Cry?

     It's what we do with it.  It's what we make of it.  Sometimes that's hard to remember.  Especially when it affects our kids.  But it's true even then.
     This past week or so I've watched a couple of my kids deal with issues that are no fault of their own.  As their mom, I want to shield them.  Protect them.  But sometimes I can't do that. That's not always the plan.  Not necessarily God's plan.  It's then that I must pray, trust that I've raised them right, and let them figure it out on their own.
     So what's gone on recently that has brought up all this kind of thinking?  A credit score.  My daughter messaged me, asking why her credit score had dropped by 65 points.  Then we realized it was because she is on my credit card that is almost to the limit......  He cut the college kids off financially when they didn't agree with his lifestyle.  So I began paying all, not just some, of the expenses he had agreed to pay.
     Funny.  He gave at least one of the women he committed adultery with a credit card.  How do I know it was her and not him making the charges?  Well it was used locally while he and I were in Jamaica.  Quite a bit.  Got cash with it.  Bought gas with it in places he couldn't have been over a long period of time.  And went Black Friday shopping in stores where he wouldn't darken the door.  But he cut off his own children for not supporting his lifestyle.  Decided to not be a father.  Chose to break promises.
     Then there's this car.  This pathetic old car that has been a mess since day one.  He promised the kids that he would make sure they had a car to drive in High School and it would be their car when they graduated college.  Funny.  He stole his mother's money to buy this car in the first place.  Then we used the car as collateral to get a loan for money he needed.  Guess who paid back the loan?  Wrong.  Not him.  It was me.  (For that car anyway.  The other car that was used as collateral was totaled so insurance paid it off.)
     So this promise he made was financed by his mother, who was in a nursing home, and by me.  Now he did pay for repairs.  Sometimes.  That car has had to have more repairs than any car I've ever dealt with.  In fact, between it and a rental car to get my son home at Christmas, it was about $1,000.  (No he didn't see his dad at Christmas.  But dad didn't even try to contact 3 of the kids to tell them Merry Christmas, let alone give them any gifts.)  I recently came across a screenshot of a group text my son who drove the car sent.  He had been having constant car issues and he simply asked that, if he snuck out of the county with a prostitute, would we at least get his car looked at while he was gone.  Just a little jab at the one who had made but not kept promises but has snuck out of the country at least twice with other women while married to me.
     So, after trying to get rid of that car for years, finally, on March 15th, we got him to sign the car title so that it would belong to my son.  But before we could accomplish that, the car gave up.  Just 15 days later.  Now we could have cried.  But we chose to laugh.  It was stressful.  But it has turned out wonderfully.  Because the car my son picked out a few years ago, or one almost identical to it anyway, had just been traded in at the dealership where my brother works.  Just 5 days later my son was the proud owner of that car!  Making payments he wasn't supposed to make according to his dad's promises.  But we will look at the good that is coming from this.
     Broken promises.  Lies.  Lots of things have tried to get us down this week.  But it's our focus that makes the difference.  We are moving forward.  Like my daughter often tells me, even after her credit score dropping because we are living on that credit card together right now, "you're okay.  I gotcha lady".  And we are okay.  We are better than okay.  Yes, I'm gonna say it.  We are blessed!
     I'm doing all I can to move forward.  It's our choice.  Stay where we are, go backwards, or move forward.  I've even taken down my first photo I ever enlarged to poster size and framed. I replaced it with a new one.  What does that have to do with anything?  I was so proud of that picture.  Had a special frame made for it even.  But he was giving me a ride the day I picked up the picture.  I heard his hidden phone vibrating in the backseat and calmly mentioned it.  It made him mad.  He was caught and he always made things my fault.  So he stopped the truck, grabbed my picture and tried to push me and my belongings out.  The picture, because it was wrinkled, always reminded me of that.  But no more.  I've moved forward and I love the replacement.
     What's holding you back?  Which direction are you going?  We get sidetracked every now and then.  But we are moving forward.  Not in how we planned.  But God is in our lives.  He is using all we go through.  If we let Him.  And like I just keep being reminded, He causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love Him, to those who are called according to His purpose.  Even this stuff.  And I'm believing that.  I gotta get it out sometimes so I can breathe.  But I'm still believing it.  How about you?
   
   
   

I Didn't Want It

     I didn't want it.  Never did.  So please excuse me while I vent.  2 1/2 weeks ago it came to a head.  Almost 29 years of my life that I had invested and he had used had come to that moment.
     While I didn't want it, I chose to look for the good in it.  God has taught me so many things through all of this.  And for that I'm truly grateful.  People have been telling me, ever since that day, that they can see joy in my eyes and hear happiness in my voice.  And I love that!
     But today I found out it's not over yet.  I'm doing all I can to move forward.  But we are still married.  His attorney hasn't done his part yet.  While he brags about being a 'free man' (I'm sure his girlfriend, or rather girlfriends appreciate that) he is still NOT free.  At least not in the way he means.
     More importantly, I can't move forward.  I'm trying.  I'm doing what I was told to do.  And I'm eating way too many sweets while I wait.
     What gets me is that he held it over my head for soooooo long.  Over two years.  And he's done the same thing before.  Filed, came home, and held it over my head so that I had to do what he wanted in order for him not to follow through.  Oh this time he kept a separate residence but was only there part of the time.  It was still the same old torturous story.  This time though, I said no more.  I won't go down that road again.  I deserve better.
     So.  I guess he thinks he's still in charge.  Telling me he was divorcing me because he no longer needed me to take care of his mother after she died.  Filing on the birthday of one of our kids and then staying at home for the next several weeks, acting like everything was normal. Didn't even tell me what he had done.  Just kept coming home.  Even after I got served.  He kept coming home.  Torture. 
     I'm sure he's told the other women that it's final now.  Or else he's still telling them that I'm dragging it out or trying to keep it from happening.  That's what he's told them for years and I've been harassed by them because of his lies.  They felt sorry for him because of the lies he told them about me.  Please.......
     So, here I am, still waiting.  I've waited for him to come home from work.  Waited for him to come to dinner.  Waited for him to stop hiding like a little kid at Wal Mart, watching me from behind displays.  Waited for him to 'fully decide' about things.  Waited for him to help parent.  Waited for him to defend me when I was the victim.  Waited for him to be who he said he would be.  Waited for him to keep his promises.  Waited for him to just be the man he claimed to be.  And now I'm waiting for him to get the divorce over with that he has been holding over my head for oh so horribly long.
     Again, thank you for letting me vent.  I'm tired and hurting all over from anxiety at the moment.  I know from experience it will get better.  Praying.  Trusting.  And trying to take some deep breaths.  I gotta practice what I preach and trust the Lord.  I will.  I really will.

Lonely

     I'm lonely.  It hit just before the last of the kids left this evening.  I knew I was about to be alone so that empty, sad feeling just started creeping up inside until it reached my throat and choked out the tears. 
     We had a fun weekend.  Most of the kids were here.  In fact we had a table full for brunch this morning.  Church was good.  Then we had fun at lunch together too.  Together.  Until I was lonely.  Really lonely.
     I was kinda feeling sorry for myself.  Then I talked to God a bit.  And He reminded me of something.  There was a time when Jesus was lonely.  There were probably other times than this time, but, since today is Easter, the time that I was reminded of today was very important. 
     Jesus had been accused of things He didn't do.  (Been there, done that.)  He was abused.  (Been there, done that.)  Almost everyone in town was against Him.  (Been there, done that because of the local fire department and the lies told about me by one of them and believed by others.)  Then He was crucified, hung on a cross.  God turned His back on Him.  (Haven't been there.  That has never happened to me.) 
    Jesus was utterly alone on that cross.  He was completely alone.  God turned His back on Jesus.  He had to.  For me.  For you.  It was the only way our sins could be forgiven.
     Lonely.  Yeah.  I'm lonely.  But I know there is no way my lonely could ever compare to the lonely Jesus felt that day.  With my sins piled on Him and His Father turning His back to Him, well you know what a broken heart feels like?  Jesus's heart really broke.  Completely.  Broke.  Worse than something you or I could ever experience.
     Jesus could have changed it.  He was God.  He could have said He wanted to come down off the cross and it would have happened.  But He chose to be alone on that cross.  Because He loves me so much.  Because He loves you so much.
     Being lonely hurts.  It hurts inside, in a place that can't be touched.  It hurts from head to toe.  And, even though it hurts, we are never alone like Jesus was that day.  God doesn't leave us.  He doesn't turn His back on His children.  He never moves away from us. 
     Am I still lonely.  A little bit.  But I know my Savior is with me.  This 'feeling' will pass.  And my Lord will never leave me.  He loves us so much, it's almost unbelievable. 
     So I'm wondering.  Do you know Him?  Would you like to? 

Knowing What's Real

     So recently I started a new phase of life.  Not one I chose.  Not one I wanted.  But one I have just the same.  Sometimes the thoughts I deal with are really deep and I have to grab a life preserver.  Usually a prayer, a deep breath and a song or scripture.  God is always there and I'm very thankful for the ways He expresses His love for me.
     One of the things I have realized the last few days as a part of these deep thoughts is that I've never known the man I thought I was in love with for over half my life.  I don't know why it took me this long to see it, other than the fact that I was trying so hard to let my kids have a complete home with both mom and dad so I ignored what was going on.  I did try hard.  I pulled out the little bit of good and clung to it while discarding the bad.  I just knew the bad would go away.  But it didn't.  Not yet anyway.
     In an effort to keep my family in one piece, I believed his lies.  When he said he was working extra, I believed him.  There were times truth came out and we found out that he was not anywhere near work, but somehow it always became my fault.  I don't know why or how.  But it did.
     Last night it hit me hard that I had spent almost every Saturday night lonely for most of our marriage.  But he wasn't alone.  He was in his other life.  Not answering our calls or texts.  But being a different person than the one I knew.  Than the one I married.  Than the one I had kids with.  Than the one who had promised to love and cherish me and be faithful to me as long as we lived.  But I was lonely.  My husband wasn't home or even reachable.  I would become distraught.  Upset.  There was nothing I could do.  I didn't fit in with single friends and I didn't fit in with married friends.  Limbo.  That's what he kept me in for SO MANY YEARS.
     I suppose some women might drown their loneliness in Lifetime movies.  I couldn't.  They hit way too close to home.  In fact, with all the crazy stalking, cheating, lying and harassment I've dealt with over the years, not to mention his excuses for cheating, I'm sure I could write a much better movie than any of those anyway.  Probably a whole series of movies.
     So this man I thought I loved.  I know now that he never really existed.  The man I loved was kind.  He loved the Lord.  He put his family first and himself last.  Now I see that what I saw was just a mask.  In fact, there were many masks, depending on who was around.  Perhaps that's why I was always so uncomfortable around him.  Somehow I always knew deep down.
     Realizing this week that the man I loved never even existed, like a character in a movie or TV show that a teenager falls for......  Like the characters in a soap opera that a little old lady considers her friends.  He never really existed.  It was a character.  A 'part'.  A mask.  Realizing this has made me sad.  But has also released me in a way.
     I guess it may seem strange unless you've walked in shoes just like mine, but now I'm in the process of figuring out what IS real.  There are some things I know for sure.  I know that my God is real.  What He has done for me is real.  That my kids are amazing and I am so truly blessed to be their mom.
     That it's ok that I love my dog, and in fact, I currently have a second fur baby sleeping on the sofa next to me.  And that's just fine.  I'm finding out that my opinion matters.  That I am not the cause of any man's woes.  That anyone who blames me is wrong.  That, while I have been abused in horrible ways for many years, it is my decision what I do from now on.  I no longer will be a victim.  And I will teach my kids to not be victims either.
     I know that the joy people tell me they see on my face is real.  That it comes from truly trusting the Lord.  I know that I am truly a child of God.  And that Philippians 4:13 is REAL!  I really CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
   

However,

     Ever notice how we tend to freak out at the first part of the story but don't listen to the rest?  We get stuck on what we hear first and then don't listen to what comes after.  Our ears are still ringing from the explosion of the first round of fireworks and we can't hear the band playing as the bigger, brighter fireworks light up the sky.
     However, there is often so much more.  However comma.  So often we stop listening before we get to the however comma.  However, that is often the most important part.
     However comma. However is often used to point out a contrast from the previous statement.  And a comma is used to show that it's not over yet.  Quite often, whatever comes after that however comma is absolutely spectacular.
     With all I've had going on, especially the last few years, this week I had one of my biggest ever however commas.  That moment when all the crazy stuff that came in the first part of the sentence was completely overshadowed by what came after. 
     While I can't go into details just yet, I can tell you that things looked pretty bleak at the beginning of the sentence.  But I knew God was in control.  I prayed and truly told Him that I gave Him the glory no matter what.  And that I intended to trust Him and smile even if things didn't go the way I thought they should.
     The beginning of the sentence was long.  It included some scary words.  Things looked like I was not going to come out even okay.  HOWEVER COMMA.  I prayed.  And believed.  And suddenly the second part of the sentence was completely different from the first!
     Just like that.  In the blink of an eye.  Everything changed.  Isn't that how God does things?  Not that He teases us with the first part.  But when we give it all to Him, truly give it all to Him, He does make it all work together for our good! 
     After my big however comma this week, the circumstances that followed made it even more clear that God was definitely in control.  Had God not stepped in at that very moment, everything would have gone in the opposite direction.  However, my God is so amazing!  He truly is working all things together for my good. My story isn't over.  Not because I deserve it.  But because I belong to Him.
     We may have rain and storms, however, then come the rainbows! 

Fixer Upper

     I used to get mad when God didn't do things like I thought He should.  I've had absolute fits even.  I would pray and claim scripture.  But then, when things didn't turn out immediately how I expected, wanted, and just knew they should, well everybody knew my opinion on that.
     But He has done so much work on me in the last year or so.  I've been a real fixer upper.  One that would have given Chip and Joanna Gaines a run for their money.  Needing much more than a coat of paint, some reclaimed wood and ship lap, I believe even they would have realized that this fixer upper could only be changed one way.  By the Word of God.
     On the show, the houses that look like they need to be given up on are usually the ones that turn out the most beautiful.  And some just need some sprucing up, new flooring here, new cabinets there.  But nothing changes at all until the houses are yielded completely into the hands of the designer and carpenter.
      So how is that like me?  Well, maybe like you too even.  You see, it doesn't matter what degree of disrepair we are in, if we are not yielding to God, trusting Him completely, letting Him lead, completely, then we are still a fixer upper in need of repair.  It's that yielding that brings about the beauty.
     Psalm 37 has been on my heart all day today.  I've listened to it play over and over from the Bible app.  King David wrote the Psalm and it talks about how God will not forsake His saints.  Do you know Him?  If you do, then that's you.  And me.  His saints.  I wish there was room here to talk about the whole chapter.  Please go read it!  But for now, we will talk about some of the the parts that have helped this fixer upper today.
    "Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers!  For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb.  Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.  Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:1-4  Oh boy, I could just keep going here.  This is some good stuff.
     But let's talk about this.  Now I could interpret this the way I used to, or I could take it for what it really says.  And what it really says is don't worry.  When others wrong you, don't worry.  Trust the Lord.  Be faithful.  Do what you know He wants you to do.  When your goal is to please Him, He will give you the desires of your heart.  And you know what that means?  You WILL please Him!  How cool is that!!!!
     You know, there are times it looks like everything is going wrong.  That's when I used to give up and say God didn't do what He said He would.  People didn't listen.  Everything was a mess.  What I failed to do was trust God's timing.  And what if that mess was part of His plan?  In fact, most masterpieces start with messes.  But I couldn't see that before.  Today, however, it's becoming much clearer to this fixer upper.
     "The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their stronghold in the time of trouble.  The Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him."  Psalm 37: 39-40
     Where is your refuge?  Where is your delight?  Do you give up too soon while there is still a mess and the fixer upper isn't completed yet?  My Lord is my refuge.  I delight in Him.  My desire is to please and honor Him with my whole life.  Even when things look like they aren't going my way, I know God has a better plan and I'd just better hang on.  Because He doesn't go back on His word.  And He's about to do something even more amazing for this fixer upper!  And you know what......I'm ready for the reveal!
     

   
   

But if You Know

     So today in church, I did what I often do.  After the scripture was read for the sermon, I read on.  And I highlighted it on my Bible app.  Then I took a screen shot.  And I looked back at it again.  Obviously this scripture was really speaking to me.
     While the sermon was about how important it is to go to church and to spend time with other Christians and how church has influenced our lives, I took notes.  But I also began to think deeply about this:
 “For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "Vengeance is mine; I will repay." And again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”
‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭10:26-31‬ ‭ESV‬‬
     I couldn't help but think about this off and on all afternoon.  How sad it must be to be that person who knows the Truth but turns away.  They must hurt so badly.  The ones who once lived for Him, lead others, shared His Word, sang His praises, prayed, worshiped Him.  But they turned away, choosing to live the way the world said was right.  Enticed by sin's shinny facade.  Knowing the truth but deliberately choosing the gold plated over real gold.
     How they must hurt.  And depending on how long they have lived this way, they may not even still realize the reason why.  They were once His people.  But this scripture says God will judge His people.  Not just those who never knew Him.  But those who knew Him and turned away.  To some He gives chance after chance.  Those are often the ones who have people praying for them and He honors those prayers for these wayward loved ones.  But if they don't turn back, they leave God no choice.  Because God can't tolerate sin.  If He did, He wouldn't be God and the sacrifice of Jesus wouldn't be the true sacrifice that He was.
     He does offer mercy though.  “if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”
‭‭2 Chronicles‬ ‭7:14‬
     He meant it then and He means it now.  But it can't happen without repentance.  Do you know anyone who knew Him and turned away?  Does your heart break for them?  Even those who have hurt me.  While I still need to heal and I am learning that I am just as important as they are, I still hurt for their spiritual being.  And I want them to come back to Jesus.  I pray I do nothing to hinder that.
     To face the wrath of God, to know you will face the wrath of God, I can't imagine living that way.  If you are one of those people, please turn back to Him.  Today.  Don't wait another minute.  It's the only way you won't face His vengeance.  God does not tolerate sin from any of us.  But He does offer mercy.  Forgiveness.  When we ask.  Please turn back to Him today. 

Moving Past Anonymous

So.  Not really a blog.  I'm just tired of having these things in my head.  In no particular order because I don't want to give any more time to them.  But the ones who wrote them know who they are.  Some are to expose truth and ask apology.  Some are because that particular 'anonymous' was lied to and they thought they were protecting him from horrible me.  Thing is.  Some of them have already realized that they were next.  Wish I could have warned them.

Whatever the reason for contacting me, when I would tell him and ask him for help because it hurt me, his response was always the same (if he responded at all.) He couldn’t control the internet. He would tell me to ignore it.  That 'she' just liked the drama and if he said anything to her it would be just what she wanted.  He didn't apologize.  He didn't deny.  He just let me be hurt.  And kept being a part of the reason for the hurt.  So, to all of you anonymous women (and sorry, I know I didn't get all of your comments listed here) I know some of you see the truth now.  (He actually texted me when meaning to text one of these women 3 months ago.  Had such a friendly conversation with a woman who was supposed to have been out of his life for many years.  And boy did he get mad and blame me when he realized he was caught.  Blamed me.  As usual.  Wow  I know for sure that wasn't my fault.)  Anyway.....to all of you anonymous women who thought you were rescuing him from me, I hope you realize the truth now.  I've prayed for you.  I've moved passed the pain you caused me in your concern for him.  I deserve better. And you know what?  So do you.  I hope you've moved on.  Getting this garbage out of my life has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  I'm so thankful for my new life.  I really hope you get to have a new life as well.  Now, if you will please let me have freedom of speech from now on, I sure would appreciate it.  Thank you. 

Shhhhh......It's a Secret!

     Well it used to be a secret anyway.  I learned something new this week.  Keeping secrets has kept me in bondage.  And I've kept those secrets mostly out of fear.  So, sharing those secrets here has been a huge part in setting me free!  Learning that made me smile.

     All these years of hiding things.  Like that I got turned in repeatedly for child abuse by a woman who lost custody of her child because she abused or allowed abuse of another child.  I would be the first to say I'm not the perfect mom.  But I did absolutely nothing to deserve that.  Unfortunately it started a pattern though.   

     I was afraid.  Constantly afraid of someone judging how I raised my kids.  Constantly afraid of someone misunderstanding something I did and thinking I was hurting my kids.  Constantly afraid another lie would be told about me and my babies would be gone.  

     One time it happened when I was almost 7 months pregnant.  It was told that I had hurt one of our children.  His other mom reported it, an investigation happened at school and in my home.  I guess you can imagine by now that the 'head of household' did nothing to help.  He didn't get investigated.  He didn't show up when the investigation was going on.  He didn't comfort me.  He did nothing.  In fact he tried to always not be home when this child was picked up and dropped off by the other mom who repeatedly reported me for abuse.
     So, when the new baby was born, I continued to think, in the back of my mind, that someone could come in and take him and the other boys and there would be nothing I could do about it.  I lived in constant fear of losing all my kids.  

     None of that mattered to him.  But when he was accused of abuse years later, he immediately got an attorney.  And he claimed that the reason he lived with one woman was because he was concerned she would lie about him in that situation and he would lose his job.  Wow.  His job.  Not his kids.  His job.  And we were all supposed to understand that this was the reason he was with that woman part of the time.  We were supposed to understand and accept it.  Seriously.
     He was little in child raising too.  Never disciplining when it was needed.  Ignoring when something happened right in front of him.  Taking the side of the child and never standing with me to the point that it was hurting everyone in the family.  In fact I found him playing alone behind closed doors with the child I had asked him to discipline instead of taking care of the issue.  But I couldn't say anything.  Of course that made things worse because that child would intentionally cause trouble so that he could have one on one play time.  And if I said anything about it, I was the bad guy and a liar.  Caused division in the family.  Hurt the feelings of the other kids.  But he didn't care.
      Once I saw the child I was accused of abusing pinch his little sister on the back of her diaper.  I was the only one who saw it.  So I couldn't say a word to the 'adult'.  It was Father's Day and he had dramatically walked out on us the night before Mother's Day.  (In fact he's done all he could to make almost every Mother's Day miserable for many years.  But that's for another time.)  Anyway, I had to make a choice.  The baby didn't cry so she must not have felt it through her diaper.  If I said something, an argument would have started and he would have taken that one child and left.  It wouldn't have been fair to the other kids since they were already cheated on time with him.  So I kept the secret.  But no more.  I'm not afraid anymore.
     There was another time he knocked me down from behind.  The manly thing to do, right?  I was walking away and he knocked me down.  I didn't report him at all.  But apparently my doctor did.  I got the blame.  He was cheating, lying, hiding from his own wife and kids and living like a rebellious teenager, but I got the blame.  I went to the doctor because of pain from the fall.  I didn't turn him in or tell others.  But I'm not keeping that secret anymore.  It was wrong.  Completely wrong.
     Have you heard that new song "Fear Is a Liar"?  Hits the nail on the head.  Fear tells us to be ashamed and afraid.  It steals our happiness.  But you know what?  No more!  You gotta hear this song!
     Fear kept me from saying anything when the pair of women's undies fell out of his uniform as he hung it up in our closet about two years ago.  I started to say something but he knew how to shut me up.  He was going to leave if I accused him of anything and he claimed he had no idea how those got there!  He had no clue who they belonged to.  Right.......
    Fear kept me from reporting the truth when he shoved me from behind when I was carrying my infant daughter and her head hit the concrete wall.  I was, once again, afraid my kids would be taken from me.  What if people didn't believe me that he shoved me?  I was the one who had been reported for abuse over and over.  Unfounded every time.  But still.  And a real man would have not only taken responsibility but would have gone to the doctor with us and made sure she and I were ok.  Instead, he  didn't check on her and disappeared the next day and even now says I fell on purpose.
     Fear kept me from reporting him for repeated rape.  Fear kept me from telling him no when he shamed me into doing things I was extremely uncomfortable doing both physically and emotionally.
     I kept all those things secret.  I hid them out of fear.  But no more!  I did nothing wrong.  Sometimes fear said I did.  But fear is a liar!  No more fear.  No more secrets.  No more living in lies.       Every time I say I'm happy something crazy happens.  But I'm not afraid of that anymore either.  Because today I am smiling.  I danced to the music at work and even sang loudly enough they probably heard me from my office!  I don't care.  I had a good day.  Freedom is within reach.  And I am truly happy.  And I plan to keep telling those secrets until freedom is truly mine.