Single. Just me. Not married. And not what I had expected at this point in my life. I know some people wouldn't blame me for being angry. Sometimes I kinda am. Angry that is. Not because I'm single, but, rather, because of the way I became that way.
You see, I've lived most of my adult life married but alone. While I was doing all I could to honor my vows, I was the only one. Most nights were spent alone and wondering. I suppose I have the right to be bitter. But I'm not. That would just take up more of my life and I'm pretty sure God has better plans for the time I have left. So I try really hard to not be bitter.
But I'm single. For real now. Not just by myself and lonely like I was when I was married. But single. It's a whole new frame of mind. A new way of thinking. All these years I've worked hard to not let myself be attracted to other men. I made a vow and I had every intention of keeping it. No matter what. Now is it ok if I am?
Being married, even if I was the only one living that way, was a safeguard from other men. Now I have to decide what to do when a man wants to talk to me, compliments me or asks me out. There are times I feel like I have a flashing sign above my head, pointing me out as a newly single woman. Ugh.
I don't trust men. At all. My marriage taught me that. I learned that men are all about themselves. None of them can be trusted. What appears to be something nice is nothing more than a man wanting something for himself with no concern for me. If I do start trusting a man, he will lie to me, use me, abuse me and leave me. I won't go there again. I would rather be alone than go through any of that again.
Something new has come with being single this time though. Something I didn't expect. It's confidence. I have absolutely no problem whatsoever telling a man 'no'. I won't go back to that life of being used and abused ever again. Ever.
Several people have commented to me lately that at least I've been asked out. Seriously?? I'm not a desperate spinster from the 1950's, waiting for a knight in shining armor to rescue me. I've already been rescued. By my Savior. The things the Lord has been doing for me are so absolutely amazing.
He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. It doesn't matter if I'm single or not. God will use where I am, here and now. And He has introduced me to someone new. Me. I'm getting to know the me He made me to be. And that's just fine.
