So recently I started a new phase of life. Not one I chose. Not one I wanted. But one I have just the same. Sometimes the thoughts I deal with are really deep and I have to grab a life preserver. Usually a prayer, a deep breath and a song or scripture. God is always there and I'm very thankful for the ways He expresses His love for me.
One of the things I have realized the last few days as a part of these deep thoughts is that I've never known the man I thought I was in love with for over half my life. I don't know why it took me this long to see it, other than the fact that I was trying so hard to let my kids have a complete home with both mom and dad so I ignored what was going on. I did try hard. I pulled out the little bit of good and clung to it while discarding the bad. I just knew the bad would go away. But it didn't. Not yet anyway.
In an effort to keep my family in one piece, I believed his lies. When he said he was working extra, I believed him. There were times truth came out and we found out that he was not anywhere near work, but somehow it always became my fault. I don't know why or how. But it did.
Last night it hit me hard that I had spent almost every Saturday night lonely for most of our marriage. But he wasn't alone. He was in his other life. Not answering our calls or texts. But being a different person than the one I knew. Than the one I married. Than the one I had kids with. Than the one who had promised to love and cherish me and be faithful to me as long as we lived. But I was lonely. My husband wasn't home or even reachable. I would become distraught. Upset. There was nothing I could do. I didn't fit in with single friends and I didn't fit in with married friends. Limbo. That's what he kept me in for SO MANY YEARS.
I suppose some women might drown their loneliness in Lifetime movies. I couldn't. They hit way too close to home. In fact, with all the crazy stalking, cheating, lying and harassment I've dealt with over the years, not to mention his excuses for cheating, I'm sure I could write a much better movie than any of those anyway. Probably a whole series of movies.
So this man I thought I loved. I know now that he never really existed. The man I loved was kind. He loved the Lord. He put his family first and himself last. Now I see that what I saw was just a mask. In fact, there were many masks, depending on who was around. Perhaps that's why I was always so uncomfortable around him. Somehow I always knew deep down.
Realizing this week that the man I loved never even existed, like a character in a movie or TV show that a teenager falls for...... Like the characters in a soap opera that a little old lady considers her friends. He never really existed. It was a character. A 'part'. A mask. Realizing this has made me sad. But has also released me in a way.
I guess it may seem strange unless you've walked in shoes just like mine, but now I'm in the process of figuring out what IS real. There are some things I know for sure. I know that my God is real. What He has done for me is real. That my kids are amazing and I am so truly blessed to be their mom.
That it's ok that I love my dog, and in fact, I currently have a second fur baby sleeping on the sofa next to me. And that's just fine. I'm finding out that my opinion matters. That I am not the cause of any man's woes. That anyone who blames me is wrong. That, while I have been abused in horrible ways for many years, it is my decision what I do from now on. I no longer will be a victim. And I will teach my kids to not be victims either.
I know that the joy people tell me they see on my face is real. That it comes from truly trusting the Lord. I know that I am truly a child of God. And that Philippians 4:13 is REAL! I really CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Sunday, March 25, 2018
Sunday, March 18, 2018
However,
Ever notice how we tend to freak out at the first part of the story but don't listen to the rest? We get stuck on what we hear first and then don't listen to what comes after. Our ears are still ringing from the explosion of the first round of fireworks and we can't hear the band playing as the bigger, brighter fireworks light up the sky.
However, there is often so much more. However comma. So often we stop listening before we get to the however comma. However, that is often the most important part.
However comma. However is often used to point out a contrast from the previous statement. And a comma is used to show that it's not over yet. Quite often, whatever comes after that however comma is absolutely spectacular.
With all I've had going on, especially the last few years, this week I had one of my biggest ever however commas. That moment when all the crazy stuff that came in the first part of the sentence was completely overshadowed by what came after.
While I can't go into details just yet, I can tell you that things looked pretty bleak at the beginning of the sentence. But I knew God was in control. I prayed and truly told Him that I gave Him the glory no matter what. And that I intended to trust Him and smile even if things didn't go the way I thought they should.
The beginning of the sentence was long. It included some scary words. Things looked like I was not going to come out even okay. HOWEVER COMMA. I prayed. And believed. And suddenly the second part of the sentence was completely different from the first!
Just like that. In the blink of an eye. Everything changed. Isn't that how God does things? Not that He teases us with the first part. But when we give it all to Him, truly give it all to Him, He does make it all work together for our good!
After my big however comma this week, the circumstances that followed made it even more clear that God was definitely in control. Had God not stepped in at that very moment, everything would have gone in the opposite direction. However, my God is so amazing! He truly is working all things together for my good. My story isn't over. Not because I deserve it. But because I belong to Him.
We may have rain and storms, however, then come the rainbows!
However, there is often so much more. However comma. So often we stop listening before we get to the however comma. However, that is often the most important part.
However comma. However is often used to point out a contrast from the previous statement. And a comma is used to show that it's not over yet. Quite often, whatever comes after that however comma is absolutely spectacular.
With all I've had going on, especially the last few years, this week I had one of my biggest ever however commas. That moment when all the crazy stuff that came in the first part of the sentence was completely overshadowed by what came after.
While I can't go into details just yet, I can tell you that things looked pretty bleak at the beginning of the sentence. But I knew God was in control. I prayed and truly told Him that I gave Him the glory no matter what. And that I intended to trust Him and smile even if things didn't go the way I thought they should.
The beginning of the sentence was long. It included some scary words. Things looked like I was not going to come out even okay. HOWEVER COMMA. I prayed. And believed. And suddenly the second part of the sentence was completely different from the first!
Just like that. In the blink of an eye. Everything changed. Isn't that how God does things? Not that He teases us with the first part. But when we give it all to Him, truly give it all to Him, He does make it all work together for our good!
After my big however comma this week, the circumstances that followed made it even more clear that God was definitely in control. Had God not stepped in at that very moment, everything would have gone in the opposite direction. However, my God is so amazing! He truly is working all things together for my good. My story isn't over. Not because I deserve it. But because I belong to Him.
We may have rain and storms, however, then come the rainbows!
Sunday, March 11, 2018
Fixer Upper
I used to get mad when God didn't do things like I thought He should. I've had absolute fits even. I would pray and claim scripture. But then, when things didn't turn out immediately how I expected, wanted, and just knew they should, well everybody knew my opinion on that.
But He has done so much work on me in the last year or so. I've been a real fixer upper. One that would have given Chip and Joanna Gaines a run for their money. Needing much more than a coat of paint, some reclaimed wood and ship lap, I believe even they would have realized that this fixer upper could only be changed one way. By the Word of God.
On the show, the houses that look like they need to be given up on are usually the ones that turn out the most beautiful. And some just need some sprucing up, new flooring here, new cabinets there. But nothing changes at all until the houses are yielded completely into the hands of the designer and carpenter.
So how is that like me? Well, maybe like you too even. You see, it doesn't matter what degree of disrepair we are in, if we are not yielding to God, trusting Him completely, letting Him lead, completely, then we are still a fixer upper in need of repair. It's that yielding that brings about the beauty.
Psalm 37 has been on my heart all day today. I've listened to it play over and over from the Bible app. King David wrote the Psalm and it talks about how God will not forsake His saints. Do you know Him? If you do, then that's you. And me. His saints. I wish there was room here to talk about the whole chapter. Please go read it! But for now, we will talk about some of the the parts that have helped this fixer upper today.
"Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb. Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:1-4 Oh boy, I could just keep going here. This is some good stuff.
But let's talk about this. Now I could interpret this the way I used to, or I could take it for what it really says. And what it really says is don't worry. When others wrong you, don't worry. Trust the Lord. Be faithful. Do what you know He wants you to do. When your goal is to please Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. And you know what that means? You WILL please Him! How cool is that!!!!
You know, there are times it looks like everything is going wrong. That's when I used to give up and say God didn't do what He said He would. People didn't listen. Everything was a mess. What I failed to do was trust God's timing. And what if that mess was part of His plan? In fact, most masterpieces start with messes. But I couldn't see that before. Today, however, it's becoming much clearer to this fixer upper.
"The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their stronghold in the time of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him." Psalm 37: 39-40
Where is your refuge? Where is your delight? Do you give up too soon while there is still a mess and the fixer upper isn't completed yet? My Lord is my refuge. I delight in Him. My desire is to please and honor Him with my whole life. Even when things look like they aren't going my way, I know God has a better plan and I'd just better hang on. Because He doesn't go back on His word. And He's about to do something even more amazing for this fixer upper! And you know what......I'm ready for the reveal!
But He has done so much work on me in the last year or so. I've been a real fixer upper. One that would have given Chip and Joanna Gaines a run for their money. Needing much more than a coat of paint, some reclaimed wood and ship lap, I believe even they would have realized that this fixer upper could only be changed one way. By the Word of God.
On the show, the houses that look like they need to be given up on are usually the ones that turn out the most beautiful. And some just need some sprucing up, new flooring here, new cabinets there. But nothing changes at all until the houses are yielded completely into the hands of the designer and carpenter.
So how is that like me? Well, maybe like you too even. You see, it doesn't matter what degree of disrepair we are in, if we are not yielding to God, trusting Him completely, letting Him lead, completely, then we are still a fixer upper in need of repair. It's that yielding that brings about the beauty.
Psalm 37 has been on my heart all day today. I've listened to it play over and over from the Bible app. King David wrote the Psalm and it talks about how God will not forsake His saints. Do you know Him? If you do, then that's you. And me. His saints. I wish there was room here to talk about the whole chapter. Please go read it! But for now, we will talk about some of the the parts that have helped this fixer upper today.
"Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb. Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:1-4 Oh boy, I could just keep going here. This is some good stuff.
But let's talk about this. Now I could interpret this the way I used to, or I could take it for what it really says. And what it really says is don't worry. When others wrong you, don't worry. Trust the Lord. Be faithful. Do what you know He wants you to do. When your goal is to please Him, He will give you the desires of your heart. And you know what that means? You WILL please Him! How cool is that!!!!
You know, there are times it looks like everything is going wrong. That's when I used to give up and say God didn't do what He said He would. People didn't listen. Everything was a mess. What I failed to do was trust God's timing. And what if that mess was part of His plan? In fact, most masterpieces start with messes. But I couldn't see that before. Today, however, it's becoming much clearer to this fixer upper.
"The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; He is their stronghold in the time of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; He delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in Him." Psalm 37: 39-40
Where is your refuge? Where is your delight? Do you give up too soon while there is still a mess and the fixer upper isn't completed yet? My Lord is my refuge. I delight in Him. My desire is to please and honor Him with my whole life. Even when things look like they aren't going my way, I know God has a better plan and I'd just better hang on. Because He doesn't go back on His word. And He's about to do something even more amazing for this fixer upper! And you know what......I'm ready for the reveal!
Sunday, March 4, 2018
But if You Know
So today in church, I did what I often do. After the scripture was read for the sermon, I read on. And I highlighted it on my Bible app. Then I took a screen shot. And I looked back at it again. Obviously this scripture was really speaking to me.
While the sermon was about how important it is to go to church and to spend time with other Christians and how church has influenced our lives, I took notes. But I also began to think deeply about this:
“For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "Vengeance is mine; I will repay." And again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”
Hebrews 10:26-31 ESV
I couldn't help but think about this off and on all afternoon. How sad it must be to be that person who knows the Truth but turns away. They must hurt so badly. The ones who once lived for Him, lead others, shared His Word, sang His praises, prayed, worshiped Him. But they turned away, choosing to live the way the world said was right. Enticed by sin's shinny facade. Knowing the truth but deliberately choosing the gold plated over real gold.
How they must hurt. And depending on how long they have lived this way, they may not even still realize the reason why. They were once His people. But this scripture says God will judge His people. Not just those who never knew Him. But those who knew Him and turned away. To some He gives chance after chance. Those are often the ones who have people praying for them and He honors those prayers for these wayward loved ones. But if they don't turn back, they leave God no choice. Because God can't tolerate sin. If He did, He wouldn't be God and the sacrifice of Jesus wouldn't be the true sacrifice that He was.
He does offer mercy though. “if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”
2 Chronicles 7:14
He meant it then and He means it now. But it can't happen without repentance. Do you know anyone who knew Him and turned away? Does your heart break for them? Even those who have hurt me. While I still need to heal and I am learning that I am just as important as they are, I still hurt for their spiritual being. And I want them to come back to Jesus. I pray I do nothing to hinder that.
To face the wrath of God, to know you will face the wrath of God, I can't imagine living that way. If you are one of those people, please turn back to Him. Today. Don't wait another minute. It's the only way you won't face His vengeance. God does not tolerate sin from any of us. But He does offer mercy. Forgiveness. When we ask. Please turn back to Him today.
While the sermon was about how important it is to go to church and to spend time with other Christians and how church has influenced our lives, I took notes. But I also began to think deeply about this:
“For if we go on sinning deliberately after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a fearful expectation of judgment, and a fury of fire that will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has set aside the law of Moses dies without mercy on the evidence of two or three witnesses. How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, "Vengeance is mine; I will repay." And again, "The Lord will judge his people." It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”
Hebrews 10:26-31 ESV
I couldn't help but think about this off and on all afternoon. How sad it must be to be that person who knows the Truth but turns away. They must hurt so badly. The ones who once lived for Him, lead others, shared His Word, sang His praises, prayed, worshiped Him. But they turned away, choosing to live the way the world said was right. Enticed by sin's shinny facade. Knowing the truth but deliberately choosing the gold plated over real gold.
How they must hurt. And depending on how long they have lived this way, they may not even still realize the reason why. They were once His people. But this scripture says God will judge His people. Not just those who never knew Him. But those who knew Him and turned away. To some He gives chance after chance. Those are often the ones who have people praying for them and He honors those prayers for these wayward loved ones. But if they don't turn back, they leave God no choice. Because God can't tolerate sin. If He did, He wouldn't be God and the sacrifice of Jesus wouldn't be the true sacrifice that He was.
He does offer mercy though. “if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”
2 Chronicles 7:14
He meant it then and He means it now. But it can't happen without repentance. Do you know anyone who knew Him and turned away? Does your heart break for them? Even those who have hurt me. While I still need to heal and I am learning that I am just as important as they are, I still hurt for their spiritual being. And I want them to come back to Jesus. I pray I do nothing to hinder that.
To face the wrath of God, to know you will face the wrath of God, I can't imagine living that way. If you are one of those people, please turn back to Him. Today. Don't wait another minute. It's the only way you won't face His vengeance. God does not tolerate sin from any of us. But He does offer mercy. Forgiveness. When we ask. Please turn back to Him today.
Saturday, March 3, 2018
Moving Past Anonymous
So. Not really a blog. I'm just tired of having these things in my head. In no particular order because I don't want to give any more time to them. But the ones who wrote them know who they are. Some are to expose truth and ask apology. Some are because that particular 'anonymous' was lied to and they thought they were protecting him from horrible me. Thing is. Some of them have already realized that they were next. Wish I could have warned them.
Whatever the reason for contacting me, when I would tell him and ask him for help because it hurt me, his response was always the same (if he responded at all.) He couldn’t control the internet. He would tell me to ignore it. That 'she' just liked the drama and if he said anything to her it would be just what she wanted. He didn't apologize. He didn't deny. He just let me be hurt. And kept being a part of the reason for the hurt. So, to all of you anonymous women (and sorry, I know I didn't get all of your comments listed here) I know some of you see the truth now. (He actually texted me when meaning to text one of these women 3 months ago. Had such a friendly conversation with a woman who was supposed to have been out of his life for many years. And boy did he get mad and blame me when he realized he was caught. Blamed me. As usual. Wow I know for sure that wasn't my fault.) Anyway.....to all of you anonymous women who thought you were rescuing him from me, I hope you realize the truth now. I've prayed for you. I've moved passed the pain you caused me in your concern for him. I deserve better. And you know what? So do you. I hope you've moved on. Getting this garbage out of my life has been one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I'm so thankful for my new life. I really hope you get to have a new life as well. Now, if you will please let me have freedom of speech from now on, I sure would appreciate it. Thank you. 
Thursday, March 1, 2018
Shhhhh......It's a Secret!
Well it used to be a secret anyway. I learned something new this week. Keeping secrets has kept me in bondage. And I've kept those secrets mostly out of fear. So, sharing those secrets here has been a huge part in setting me free! Learning that made me smile.
All these years of hiding things. Like that I got turned in repeatedly for child abuse by a woman who lost custody of her child because she abused or allowed abuse of another child. I would be the first to say I'm not the perfect mom. But I did absolutely nothing to deserve that. Unfortunately it started a pattern though.
I was afraid. Constantly afraid of someone judging how I raised my kids. Constantly afraid of someone misunderstanding something I did and thinking I was hurting my kids. Constantly afraid another lie would be told about me and my babies would be gone.
One time it happened when I was almost 7 months pregnant. It was told that I had hurt one of our children. His other mom reported it, an investigation happened at school and in my home. I guess you can imagine by now that the 'head of household' did nothing to help. He didn't get investigated. He didn't show up when the investigation was going on. He didn't comfort me. He did nothing. In fact he tried to always not be home when this child was picked up and dropped off by the other mom who repeatedly reported me for abuse.
So, when the new baby was born, I continued to think, in the back of my mind, that someone could come in and take him and the other boys and there would be nothing I could do about it. I lived in constant fear of losing all my kids.
So, when the new baby was born, I continued to think, in the back of my mind, that someone could come in and take him and the other boys and there would be nothing I could do about it. I lived in constant fear of losing all my kids.
None of that mattered to him. But when he was accused of abuse years later, he immediately got an attorney. And he claimed that the reason he lived with one woman was because he was concerned she would lie about him in that situation and he would lose his job. Wow. His job. Not his kids. His job. And we were all supposed to understand that this was the reason he was with that woman part of the time. We were supposed to understand and accept it. Seriously.
He was little in child raising too. Never disciplining when it was needed. Ignoring when something happened right in front of him. Taking the side of the child and never standing with me to the point that it was hurting everyone in the family. In fact I found him playing alone behind closed doors with the child I had asked him to discipline instead of taking care of the issue. But I couldn't say anything. Of course that made things worse because that child would intentionally cause trouble so that he could have one on one play time. And if I said anything about it, I was the bad guy and a liar. Caused division in the family. Hurt the feelings of the other kids. But he didn't care.
Once I saw the child I was accused of abusing pinch his little sister on the back of her diaper. I was the only one who saw it. So I couldn't say a word to the 'adult'. It was Father's Day and he had dramatically walked out on us the night before Mother's Day. (In fact he's done all he could to make almost every Mother's Day miserable for many years. But that's for another time.) Anyway, I had to make a choice. The baby didn't cry so she must not have felt it through her diaper. If I said something, an argument would have started and he would have taken that one child and left. It wouldn't have been fair to the other kids since they were already cheated on time with him. So I kept the secret. But no more. I'm not afraid anymore.
There was another time he knocked me down from behind. The manly thing to do, right? I was walking away and he knocked me down. I didn't report him at all. But apparently my doctor did. I got the blame. He was cheating, lying, hiding from his own wife and kids and living like a rebellious teenager, but I got the blame. I went to the doctor because of pain from the fall. I didn't turn him in or tell others. But I'm not keeping that secret anymore. It was wrong. Completely wrong.
Have you heard that new song "Fear Is a Liar"? Hits the nail on the head. Fear tells us to be ashamed and afraid. It steals our happiness. But you know what? No more! You gotta hear this song!
Fear kept me from saying anything when the pair of women's undies fell out of his uniform as he hung it up in our closet about two years ago. I started to say something but he knew how to shut me up. He was going to leave if I accused him of anything and he claimed he had no idea how those got there! He had no clue who they belonged to. Right.......
Fear kept me from reporting the truth when he shoved me from behind when I was carrying my infant daughter and her head hit the concrete wall. I was, once again, afraid my kids would be taken from me. What if people didn't believe me that he shoved me? I was the one who had been reported for abuse over and over. Unfounded every time. But still. And a real man would have not only taken responsibility but would have gone to the doctor with us and made sure she and I were ok. Instead, he didn't check on her and disappeared the next day and even now says I fell on purpose.
Fear kept me from reporting him for repeated rape. Fear kept me from telling him no when he shamed me into doing things I was extremely uncomfortable doing both physically and emotionally.
I kept all those things secret. I hid them out of fear. But no more! I did nothing wrong. Sometimes fear said I did. But fear is a liar! No more fear. No more secrets. No more living in lies. Every time I say I'm happy something crazy happens. But I'm not afraid of that anymore either. Because today I am smiling. I danced to the music at work and even sang loudly enough they probably heard me from my office! I don't care. I had a good day. Freedom is within reach. And I am truly happy. And I plan to keep telling those secrets until freedom is truly mine.
He was little in child raising too. Never disciplining when it was needed. Ignoring when something happened right in front of him. Taking the side of the child and never standing with me to the point that it was hurting everyone in the family. In fact I found him playing alone behind closed doors with the child I had asked him to discipline instead of taking care of the issue. But I couldn't say anything. Of course that made things worse because that child would intentionally cause trouble so that he could have one on one play time. And if I said anything about it, I was the bad guy and a liar. Caused division in the family. Hurt the feelings of the other kids. But he didn't care.
Once I saw the child I was accused of abusing pinch his little sister on the back of her diaper. I was the only one who saw it. So I couldn't say a word to the 'adult'. It was Father's Day and he had dramatically walked out on us the night before Mother's Day. (In fact he's done all he could to make almost every Mother's Day miserable for many years. But that's for another time.) Anyway, I had to make a choice. The baby didn't cry so she must not have felt it through her diaper. If I said something, an argument would have started and he would have taken that one child and left. It wouldn't have been fair to the other kids since they were already cheated on time with him. So I kept the secret. But no more. I'm not afraid anymore.
There was another time he knocked me down from behind. The manly thing to do, right? I was walking away and he knocked me down. I didn't report him at all. But apparently my doctor did. I got the blame. He was cheating, lying, hiding from his own wife and kids and living like a rebellious teenager, but I got the blame. I went to the doctor because of pain from the fall. I didn't turn him in or tell others. But I'm not keeping that secret anymore. It was wrong. Completely wrong.
Have you heard that new song "Fear Is a Liar"? Hits the nail on the head. Fear tells us to be ashamed and afraid. It steals our happiness. But you know what? No more! You gotta hear this song!
Fear kept me from saying anything when the pair of women's undies fell out of his uniform as he hung it up in our closet about two years ago. I started to say something but he knew how to shut me up. He was going to leave if I accused him of anything and he claimed he had no idea how those got there! He had no clue who they belonged to. Right.......
Fear kept me from reporting the truth when he shoved me from behind when I was carrying my infant daughter and her head hit the concrete wall. I was, once again, afraid my kids would be taken from me. What if people didn't believe me that he shoved me? I was the one who had been reported for abuse over and over. Unfounded every time. But still. And a real man would have not only taken responsibility but would have gone to the doctor with us and made sure she and I were ok. Instead, he didn't check on her and disappeared the next day and even now says I fell on purpose.
Fear kept me from reporting him for repeated rape. Fear kept me from telling him no when he shamed me into doing things I was extremely uncomfortable doing both physically and emotionally.
I kept all those things secret. I hid them out of fear. But no more! I did nothing wrong. Sometimes fear said I did. But fear is a liar! No more fear. No more secrets. No more living in lies. Every time I say I'm happy something crazy happens. But I'm not afraid of that anymore either. Because today I am smiling. I danced to the music at work and even sang loudly enough they probably heard me from my office! I don't care. I had a good day. Freedom is within reach. And I am truly happy. And I plan to keep telling those secrets until freedom is truly mine.
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