It’s Time

     It’s time. Words that have struck fear in the mind of a father  to be and excitement in the heart of a bride waiting to walk down the isle to her groom. To me, the last few days, it has brought a bit of both of those emotions plus many more.  If you stick with me through all of this, I think you will understand why.
     When ‘it’s time’ started quietly popping up in my spirit, I knew exactly what it meant. It’s time to begin telling my story.  My real story.  It’s time to take the next step in my healing.  While I don’t know, at this point, in what order my story will come out here, and I don’t know just how many details will need to be told, I do know it is part of the healing. Like getting rid of an illness. It’s time for it to go.

     I am a stander.  If you’re not familiar with the term, it’s someone who stands, believes for, no matter what, the restoration of a relationship.  But it’s more than just believing in restoration of that human relationship. It’s standing in the gap for their soul.

“I searched for a man among them who would build up the wall and stand in the gap before Me for the land, so that I would not destroy it; but I found no one.”
‭‭Ezekiel‬ ‭22:30‬ ‭

     I can’t imagine letting someone  or hoping anyone would die not knowing the Lord. Especially people I love. So, in that respect, I continue to stand.  However, in trying to stand for a relationship, I almost lost myself. In fact, everyone lost me for a while.

     I’ve spent many years dealing with things I thought only happened in the movies. Seriously. I didn’t think these things ever happened in real life. Phone calls from women informing me of their relationships with him. One woman called me in the middle of the night to let me know her husband was mad and looking for him to kill him. (I had no clue where he was as usual.)  Afraid to go back to sleep, I was once again up all night because of his choices.
     From a woman showing up at my front door complete with pictures in hand of his profiles on two dating websites (one of the pictures was made in our home even!) to another husband calling to report an affair to the harassment from one woman that started in 2010 and still continues, I became lost in it all. But I made a vow. And just because someone else chose to break his vow didn’t mean I had to break mine.
     In 2010 I  almost broke free anyway. I know God hates divorce. It says so in His Word. But I felt He lead me to file. So I did. On grounds of adultery. Of all things, he denied that he committed adultery. I had suffered physically many times over the years as a result of his choices. He was well known for his lifestyle. Yet he denied adultery.
     A year later he was basically home and asked me to drop the divorce.  So I did.  Little did I know that was just so he could be in control. Nothing had changed. The adultery had not stopped but had, instead, escalated.
     The level of harassment I have received from women involved with him over the years is absolutely astounding.  I shut down my facebook many years ago after they just wouldn't leave me alone.  I've made my instagram and twitter private many times, and often in an effort to protect others more than just protect myself and my family.  One woman in particular thought it was a good idea to follow and befriend people I was friends with on these social media sights.  In an effort to protect these people, however, I've made some really good friends over the years!  One, in particular, was a police officer in the Chicago area!  The harasser had no idea because you couldn't tell it from the profile.  So it was kinda funny when I told her why the harasser was working so hard at being her friend.
     This blog has been the target so many times it's ridiculous.  It didn't seem to matter what I blogged about, how many scriptures I used, how uplifting it was meant to be.  These women, and this one in particular, loved to comment anonymously about him and how he was with her and not with me.  It was nuts.  I mean, come on.  Who in their right might would post on a wife's public Christian blog about the adulterous affair she was having with the author's husband?
     Over the years as I would beg him for help getting these women to leave me alone, I would be given the same answer every time...... 'I can't control the internet'.  It didn't matter how they harassed me or what was said.  As long as it didn't affect him directly, he did nothing about it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he enjoyed it.  Like he thought women were fighting over him.  Because he simply couldn't control the internet.
     Again, I'm not sure just how many details to give or in what order this will all come out, so this next part will be about a particular period of time.  I was sitting at my desk in June 2015, understanding that he was at work a few miles away.  I wondered why I hadn't heard from him all day.  Then I received a text.  A text from a number I didn't recognize,  informing me that he was in Mexico with the woman who had harassed me since 2010.  I checked my blog and, sure enough, it had just been viewed from Mexico.  (My blog has only been viewed in Mexico on two occasions, both of which were during trips he took to Mexico with women.  I have regular readers all over the world, but not in Mexico for some reason!)
     I informed no one at work and continued doing my job as usual.  It was hard.  So horribly hard.  I contacted our youngest children at church camp.  This had happened so many times.  Church camp.  Church ski trip.  Choir tour.  It was like someone had gotten their schedule and always planned these events and trips for when they were gone.  Anyway, I just didn't want them finding out any other way than from me.  They had suffered too much already.
     That Thursday, while at work,  I received a phone call.  My mother in law was critically ill and being taken to the hospital.  There was no one but me able to go take care of her.  He was in Mexico.  So I took care of her.  As usual.  And I would do it again today.
     Later that summer he took me on a trip to Jamaica.  He and I had a really nice time.  But I was not allowed to post pictures of us or even the scenery on my instagram or twitter.  No one could know we were there.  I didn't know until recently it was because there were women being juggled, not just the one.  And I was being watched by all.  So my excitement about our trip had to be kept to myself for quite some time so they wouldn't know he was with me on a 'romantic' trip.
     Once I did post a picture taken of the clouds from the plane, a picture that I posted with Scripture on it, I was quickly told to take it down.  It said nothing about where we had been.  But he couldn't take any chances of anyone finding out he had been on a trip with his wife.  And apparently someone had seen it and asked him.
     January 2016.  He started announcing to me that he was going to file for divorce and move out.  He told me that his mother had passed away and he didn't need me to take care of her anymore, so he was going to divorce me.  So he filed.  On the birthday of one of our children.  But didn't tell us that he had rented an apartment over two months prior.  He stayed with us during that time.  I didn't know until the mailman brought the letter.  And still, he lived at home.  In fact he came home more during that time than he had been coming home for a long time.  Then he just disappeared.  Again.
      Taking almost a year to answer his interrogatories, he came home again and and again.  (In fact I wasn't aware that he had rented an apartment until May 2016 I think.)  He would often talk about us getting back together.  About us moving away together.  I never knew which 'he' I was dealing with.
     Then he skipped Christmas 2016.  No real excuse.  But came to see me later when the kids were all gone.  Even took me on a couple of 'dates' in January 2017 before announcing in February 2017 that he was going through with the divorce.
     About two weeks later was when the Lord really started talking to me.  Or perhaps that's when I started listening.  I felt the Lord tell me to counter file on grounds of adultery.  "But that's not what Your Word says Lord!" I argued.  I told the Lord He was going to have to show me.  Immediately the story of Abraham taking Isaac to the mountain to be sacrificed was brought to mind.  And that it was out of obedience.  Obedience.  That was the key.
     "Ok Lord.  But You're going to have to show me more.  In Your Word."  The next day, there it was.  I Samuel 30.  David asking God if he should go to battle.  God told him in no uncertain terms to go to battle and what the results would be!  Yes Lord!
     I contacted my attorney's office and began the process to counter file.  She said that, when he received the counter file he would most likely agree just to get it over with because he wanted a divorce.  I told her that I knew him.  And that was not what would happen.  Boy was I right.  It has been a continual fight.  And I found out a couple of months ago that part of the reason I have been harassed so much is because he has twisted things about me for years, blaming me for all this, and getting these women to believe he is the victim.  (I've learned more these last few months about narcissism than I ever thought possible or ever wanted to know.)  He claimed I delayed the divorce when I was the one who turned my interrogatories in early while he took almost a year.  I never postponed the dates yet he told the women that I did, so they were mad at me.  Finding out these facts has certainly been an eye opener.
     But something amazing also happened when I filed out of obedience.  It opened up the way for healing to begin.  I realized that I had been abused in every possible way over many, many years.  Now the ways I was abused, at this point, I am not ready to share here.  God blessed me with an amazing therapist who has helped me tremendously!  She often reminds me that truth is an absolute defense.  And I have TRUTH!  I know TRUTH!
     I still have anxiety going into some stores.  I often make sure to take someone with me or at least have someone on the phone.  I call my mom and joke about her going shopping at Wal Mart with me over the phone.  The depression has definitely gotten better.  I still panic at times but that's gotten better as well.  None of those things, anxiety, depression or panic, are from the Lord.  So they have no choice!  They WILL go!  It's just a matter of time.
     When I think about the fact that I could have been on my way to healing 7 years ago if he hadn't pulled me back in by telling me we were back together, well I could let that get me down.  But we can't look back.  We just can't.  I was trying.  I was standing.  I'm still standing.  We must look forward.  We must walk forward.
     There is a lot more of my story to share with you when it's the right time.  And it will come.  Things about the two phones to hide his other lives.  The dating websites.  The people who have been told lies about me.  Boy.  More than a novel or TV series and all true.  None of which we need to dwell on.  Just get out and get it behind me.
     The important thing.  Romans 8:28.  God causes ALL things to work together for my good because I love Him!  He has a plan.  And I'm learning to rest in that plan.