It Really is Well With My Soul

     As most of us do this time of year, I’ve been doing some reflecting. Only thing, I don’t usually do it that much. At least not for the last 20 something years. Reflecting made me think of the hurts and how far we had not come and how things were worse instead of better and I would much rather just go to bed early and sleep through the whole thing instead of ringing in the new year.
     But this year is different. While I can’t promise I will be awake at midnight, this time I can look back and see a difference. See growth. See where God took some horrible stuff and used it for good!  I’m fact, I kinda feel like I’m on the outside of the turmoil now. Like there is a storm going on inside a glass dome but I’m on the outside looking in.
     I can’t say those winds never hit me. In fact, there are times they knock me down even. But, more and more, I get up, dust myself off, smile, and watch to see what God is going to do with those winds.
     It is well with my soul. It really is. While I know I haven’t faced what the author of those lyrics faced, and many people have suffered greater than I have, behind the smiles have been pain and suffering for years. Pain that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Just this year the medical tests alone, because of someone else’s choices, were stressful, painful and costly.
     Financial issues build daily, yet I know the Lord will provide. I may lack manicures and pedicures but I don’t lack food and shelter. More importantly, I have my family and a relationship with each one. That wasn’t the case when this year began. But the love and respect is growing. I can feel it!  Something money can’t buy.
     I also am thankful for a new friendship. One that, I am sure, makes the devil stomping mad for many reasons!  And that’s just too bad for him.  Jesus has come into the hearts of two special people (so far!) that the devil just knew he had his nasty claws on. But the Lord had a better plan!  There once was a time I would have gotten in the way. But no more. I can’t be like Jesus and decide who does and doesn’t deserve to know Him. To be like Him, I have to know that, if His love is for me, it’s for everyone else too!   And while I never intentionally got in God’s way, now I know what it’s like to step out in faith, trusting Him to use me for good.
    I don’t know what 2018 holds any more than I knew what 2017 held. But I’m thankful for that day last March when I yielded to Him and truly obeyed. That’s when healing began. That’s when God was free to move forward in me. The freedom and restoration has continued to grow since that day.
     My plans for 2018? To be more like Jesus.  To step back and watch what He has planned. Even if it involves car issues, doctor appointments, legal stuff, and some disappointments. He has blessed me so much this year through, what most people would consider, a horrible mess. But, at the end of next year, I want to be able to say the same as this year.  The same as this bracelet that was given to me by a precious friend. It is well with my soul. It really is.

The Best Christmas Ever!

     The Best Christmas Ever.....a statement I never understood until this very Christmas.  For so many years, we’ve dealt with uncertainty. With confusion and down right pain.  Wondering if he would even show up. Going back 20 years, there have been times he didn’t.  Or, if he did, there was an attitude that affected us all. Can you imagine little kids waiting and him not showing up or even contacting them?  And if he did show up,  would he stay?  Excuses. Somewhere to be that we couldn’t know about. It was like we were all walking, barefoot, on broken glass Christmas ornaments and trying to not get hurt or make a bigger mess.   Somehow it left us all empty and not feeling Christmassy like we wanted to feel.
     The news always talked about kids who didn’t have anything for Christmas. . While we felt badly for them, it was hard. Others didn’t know about our lack at Christmas. We had food. We had gifts. But we hurt. We hurt so badly.
     From the outside, we’ve always given the appearance of a normal family.  That we were happy. Whole.  But we knew it wasn’t true.  And the few times it was true, it didn’t last long.  In fact, I’ve heard over and over how this is not a family, from the very people this family was made up of.
     That cut so deeply. Hearing my own kids say ‘this isn’t a family’ hurt every time I heard it. And, as their mom, I hurt for them having those feelings. Why couldn’t I make things better?  I was doing all I could to keep our family together.   Unfortunately, holding on to him being who he should be, who he appeared to be but wasn’t, was exactly what was tearing us apart and hurting us the worst.
     But this year was different.  No toxic attitudes. No toxic person. It was like we all had a new beginning. A wonderful, special, new beginning that we were trying out. Like when a new baby comes into the family and everyone is excited. Or when someone gets a new car and everybody who sits inside it takes a deep breath, breathing in that new car smell.
      Was our Christmas perfect?  Of course not. We dealt with a vehicle deciding not to work and a last minute, more than expensive, rental car. But it was well worth it!  We were together as a family.  We had Christmas dinner at midnight on Christmas night. Together. All of us.
     Our God makes all things new. And that’s what He has been doing for our family. Healing. Restoring. Renewing. Just how do I know?  Well there are many signs. Like the relaxed time we had together. All the kids and me. My family. Whether we were cooking  together. Eating together. Laughing and playing games.  We were being a family.
    But probably the biggest thing that I saw was this.

This little square usually sits on the ledge above my kitchen sink. Every family gathering one of the kids lays it down where it can’t be seen.  Someone will say how we aren’t a family. But not this time . I realized, after Christmas, that it was still sitting there.  It still proclaimed ‘It’s all about family’. And that makes me smile. 

Come to the Manger

     This time of year, we hear songs and stories about a manger. While that may have been a common word back in the day, it’s not now. So just what is a manger anyway?
     I attended a Christmas Eve service today at the church where I grew up. While the faces had changed, the songs were basically the same. We sang about a baby, The Baby, in a manger in Bethlehem long ago.  The difference for me was that I was in the audience and not playing  the piano or singing or acting in or directing the Christmas play.
     Towards the end of the service, a young preacher talked about the manger. How it was the center point of the barn. The place the animals came to be fed. All of them looked there first, just as we should look in The Manger first and put Christ first in our hearts.
     That got me thinking. Since a manger is where the animals eat, and Jesus slept in a manger, I couldn’t help but think about “Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.”
‭‭John‬ ‭6:35‬ ‭
     It’s so simple. Come to the manger and never hunger again.  How about you?  Have you answered His invitation yet?  Would you like to?

Follow the Star

     This week there was a meteor shower.  Since it was way after my bedtime, I figured I had missed it. I don’t know a whole lot about meteors but apparently there are sometimes some that lag behind. Because, the very next night, while driving a 2 hour dark drive home, there it was!  A meteor!  I was soooo excited.  I didn’t have to know much about it to know it was something special.

     “When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭2:10‬ The wisest men in the land were given the task of finding the Messiah.  They knew the king didn’t want them to find Him for any good reason.  But they, too, wanted to find Him.  They saw a bright star shining in the sky and followed it.  When they got near the end of their journey, the star stood still. They knew they had found Him. They rejoiced!  These wisemen brought Him gifts and worshiped Him.  And they protected Him by not going back to the king to tell him what they had found. 

      Ever hear ‘were you born in a barn’ when you left a door open?  It’s kind of a cut down. But you know what......it was good enough for the Savior of the world.  And these wisemen knew they had found the King of king and Lord of Lords. The One who had been prophesied all those years ago. 

     The star led  the wisemen to Him. You know, we all have a star, a guide, someone or something to get our attention to tell us about Him. So why do we not all know Him?

     Jesus left Heaven to save us. He was born in a stable to save us.  He suffered and died to save us. If we go to hell, it’s our own fault. We can’t blame anyone else. We all get the opportunity to know Him. 

     How about you?  Do you know Him?  Would you like to?  Please pray this prayer today. 

  

      Dear Lord. Please forgive me for my sins. I come to You now, knowing that the way I have been living is wrong. That I was on my way to an eternal hell.  But You have made a way out. Jesus I accept Your forgiveness today.  Thank you for coming to earth as a baby and dieing on the cross for me. Help me live for You Lord. And thank You that I get to live forever with You in Heaven. Amen.

    If you prayed this prayer, I’m praying for you. You truly have something to celebrate!  It’s your spiritual birthday!  And what a way to celebrate Christmas!

Anonymous

     If this second blog post in one week is too much, please forgive me.  But this has been building up inside me for such a long time.  I'm ready to have this behind my family and me so I guess it will keep coming out for a while.  And this post is simply about a word.
     Anonymous.  Anonymously.  Anon.  Ever since this whole life of dealing with infidelity started, there has been someone, or sometwo or somethree (you get the picture) contacting me anonymously.  Now they may not always use the word anonymous.  They may masquerade as someone else on social media.  Or they might call me at work and tell me what they've done with him but not give me their name.  They might call me as the friend of someone he has been with and tell me what they think I don't already know.  But, however they do it, it usually comes out and I find out who anonymous is.
     Like the time I got a phone call when I was home for lunch.  He had answered the home phone just before I got there and told me someone had called for me but he didn't know who it was.  She called back right after I got home and told me about his relationship with her friend.  He denied it, of course.  So I hoped it was someone just causing trouble.  Then, a year or so later, I was selling Avon.  I went to an area wide meeting and ended up sitting by the younger sister of a girl I had gone to school with in another town many years earlier.  What are the odds?  When we had a 'get to know your neighbor' time, we started telling each other about our lives.  When I told her I was married and what he did for a living, it all came out.  SHE was the one who had called me that day!  Again. What are the odds......
     Most of the time when  Ms. Anonymous (and I say Ms. because I've yet to have a Mr. Anonymous contact me.  Misters just don't usually do that for whatever reason.) contacts me over these last 20 plus years, she  has done so to report something he has done.  In fact, almost EVERY time a Ms. Anonymous has contacted me, it has been related to him and his choices.
     It always amazes me how quickly my blog posts have been read and commented on by Ms. Anonymous.   I have deleted many of the comments.  They just aren't relevant and have no place in blogs about faith.  In fact, I just can't figure out why anyone would want to post a comment, telling everyone who is reading a blog about the Lord, how they had just committed adultery with the spouse of the author. And they were proud of it. Amazes me.
     Over the years, the word 'anonymous' had actually become a trigger for me.  It would pop up on the caller ID at work and I would freeze.  I couldn't move on the outside but my heart was pounding in my chest.  It has been this way for years and years.  And I hated it.  But then I wrote "It's Time"  right here on this blog several weeks ago.  And people started commenting anonymously.  Something was different though.  They were nice!  (Except for one poor soul who thought they knew the facts but didn't.)  Then people started posting as 'Anonymous' on older blog posts.  Such sweet, loving people!  Suddenly, the word anonymous starting making me smile!  No longer a trigger for anxiety.
     So.  Anonymous.  I no longer fear you.  I am thankful for those who have reached out to me with words of encouragement and even asking for forgiveness using you as their name.  You have protected them while they have uplifted me.  And you know what Anonymous?  God knows who you are.  Good or bad.  And He will reward you accordingly.

Happy For Real, Inside And Out—It’s Sock Skating Season!

     Ok so I've started sock skating again.  Yes, I've been told it's dangerous.  But it's sooooo much fun!  I just can't help myself!  And I'm getting pretty good at it, too.  Gliding down the hallway, I watch my form in the mirror and am amazed at the progress I've made!  I really think there should be a category for it on the Apple Watch exercise app.  I mean it's got elliptical, rower, even high intensity interval training.  So why doesn't it have sock skating?
     Actually I suppose my exercise might fit into that high intensity interval training.  I haven't actually opened that category but it sounds like it includes several types of exercise right?  So some days I not only sock skate, I hula hoop and I use my simply fit board.  I suppose that means I cross train but I'm not really sure.  But it makes sense to me.
     One thing I do is make sure that no one actually sees me exercise.  When I used to run in the neighborhood, that was different.  And probably considered normal.  But I have a feeling people would laugh at me and maybe even wonder about me if they saw me exercise today.  That's ok.  I'm having fun and burning calories at the same time!
     Having fun.  Wow.  Something I hadn't done a lot of, without a dark cloud over my head, in many years.  But I am having such a good time in my place in life right now!  If the outside world looked at the truth of my life over the past 22 years or so, they would wonder how I could smile, laugh, or be happy.  Well, smiling and laughing can be faked.  But happiness can't.  I'm doing all three, for real.
     This last week I have actually been able to say "I'm happy!" and feel it from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.  Am I happy every minute?  Of course not.  But I am happy!  I'm happy living alone.  I'm happy making things and saying things and doing things and knowing I won't be judged or put down or made fun of.   I'm happy going to bed when I want and getting up when I want.
     And those lines on my forehead?  They've almost gone away!  I know some lines are supposed to come with age.  But I had them for many years from looking through the blinds, watching for someone to come home.  Years and years of watching for promises kept.  Laying awake in bed in the middle of the night and listening for the familiar squeaks and creaks of the garage door going up.  Sometimes it did and sometimes it didn't.  And when it did, oh the relief I would feel.
     But it wasn't happiness.  It wasn't peace.  It was a reprieve from worry for a moment.  But today I can say I'm truly happy.  No more pretending.  No more looking one way on the outside and being a different way on the inside.
     Like our Christmas decorations on our house and in our yard.  They have always been beautiful.  But this year they are especially beautiful.  Why?  Because there is peace inside the house.  The lights on the outside are not just lights.  They are a symbol of the joy and love and peace inside my house.  My home.  I'm so thankful.  And now I can't imagine it any other way.