Might as well talk about it. I mean, why not? Many years ago it would have been a taboo subject, only spoken of in whispers. Now celebrities do it on TV even! So just what are we talking about? The colonoscopy of course! What did your think I meant anyway?
Recently I was watching an episode of the now syndicated sit-com "My Wife and Kids". Michael Kyle's doctor suggested he have a colonoscopy. Michael did everything he could to get out of it. Finally, for his family, he gave in. The night before, while sitting in bed watching his wife eat leftovers from dinner, Michael was downing a gallon of "go lightly"(Golytely). That night Michael dreamed about his procedure. As he lay on the operating table, the lights suddenly changed to make the room appear like a club. Music started and the doctor came into the room. The doctor was Lou Rawls singing "You'll Never Find". I just couldn't help but compare this to my own experience just two days prior.
While Michael Kyle's experience was for a laugh, I have to say, there was a lot of reality mixed in. What they didn't talk about was that you have to start preparing a week in advance. There is a huge list of drugs you can't take including everything I normally take for a headache. Now I'm not a wimp but UGH! Then the real fun begins. Since my procedure was on a Monday, my last 'solid' food was a bland bowl of oatmeal chased by a chocolate slim fast before 8 am Sunday. I was able to eat popcicles and jello but only certain colors. And I am not a fan of either.
When the time came to drink the prep, it really wasn't that bad. Neither was the 32 ounces of water that had to immediately follow the 16 ounces of prep. Then six hours later I had to repeat the process. It was a lot worse the second time. You would think they could make that stuff taste better. I mean, you are preparing to experience something completely humiliating. Surely they could come up with something that tastes at least a little pleasant.
I know I had crazy dreams when I finally went to sleep but I know I didn't dream about Lou Rawls being my singing doctor. I did have some singing after we got there though. While we waited, my husband first entertained me by playing videos on his phone. Everything from old love songs to the Osmonds performing "One Bad Apple" (yes he's a fan after our Donny and Marie concert last December). But one song he just couldn't resist as I waited for my procedure. He sang it over and over. Conway Twitty's "I can tell you've never been this far before." Not sure why he thought this was funny. And the other people in the waiting area were looking at us like we were crazy teenagers. Of course, compared to most of them we were practically teenagers!
Once we finally got called back, the nurse asked a long list of questions and gave instructions. With blood pressure rising, the last phase of preparation began. In came a second nurse. This one was a hoot! She told stories of other patients including one about a man she was questioning to see if he had been sufficiently prepared before coming to the clinic. Unable to get a straight answer from him, she asked him if she put a newspaper in the bottom of the toilet and he used the bathroom, would he be able to read the newspaper afterwards. His response....."If it was large print I would." She told how she met and married her husband in only 11 days and about the crazy stuff they had gone thru in their 40 years together. Her husband even had a pickup truck not unlike my husband's truck PT (precious truck) and her husband wouldn't let her drive his truck either! Who would have guessed that there was another husband out there with his own PT.
Oh and, I guess they are used to having 'old' married couples come in because we were asked repeatedly how long we had been married. I don't know how many times we were asked that question but it was kinda neat to get to answer "almost 25 years". I'm guessing they have other couples come in who have a whole lot more years under their belts though.
After the IV was started, donned in my cap, gown, goofy hospital socks, covered with a nice warm blanket and getting my goodbye kisses from hubby, off I was taken to the procedure area....where I was wheeled into a supply closet! With only my feet sticking out in the hallway, I waited. And waited. Then the anesthesiologist talked to me briefly. And I waited. While I waited, I thought about taking a nap but I guess I've watched too much TV or something because I was afraid that if I fell asleep someone might just take me for dead and I would wake up in the morgue. So I stayed awake a made sure I kept moving my feet so people would know I was alive.
While I lay there shaking my feet and singing "I can tell you've never been this far before" in my head, I watched a young woman cleaning the lovely instruments used for the procedures and wondered just how clean they actually were and why on earth anyone would want such a job. I mean, well, at least a doctor gets paid well. But the one cleaning the instruments. Yuck. Hmmm....actually it's yucky all the way around. Who in their right mind would choose to work in that field?
I watched patient after patient, sleeping like babies but with lots of wrinkles on their faces and bald or gray heads covered with surgical, being wheeled by on their way to recovery. Finally it was my turn. After discussing IRAs with the anesthesiologist, he told me that I would be asleep in about 10 seconds. I was never so glad to go to sleep in my life. Next thing I knew I was awake in recovery and I heard someone say my husband's name just before he appeared around the corner. I was wide awake and wondering what had happened to my surgical cap. Everyone I had seen go by as I waited my turn for the procedure still had their surgical cap on. I'm glad they took it off because it wasn't very becoming. But who took it off and did they arrange my hair in a flattering manner around my face so that I would look nice as I slept?
Thankfully recovery was quick and we were soon on our way to get a huge chocolate shake to share. What I had originally labeled the dumbest thing I had ever let myself be talked in to was over. Unfortunately I was told I would need another in 5 years instead of the usual 10. By then maybe the prep stuff will taste better or they will have discovered a less invasive way to check out the colon. Yeah right..........
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