No I don't need poked with a pencil, thank you very much. And that's not the kind of lead I mean. Many times I've said that I will write when I feel lead. Meaning that I believe the Lord has given me something that I need to write when I need to write it. That hasn't been happening much lately. And I'm fine with that.
But today I have something to write. The last week or so has been tough. There have been more ups and downs that I have experienced in quite a while. I found myself slipping back into the old ways. PTSD was coming out in pain all over me as I dealt with junk.
Then I remembered.....it wasn't my junk to deal with. I took a nice walk. I sang in the shower. Loudly. I prayed. I shed a few tears. It belonged to God, not me.
KIDS
Sometimes it's really hard to give stuff up. Even to God. Especially when it involves your kids. I've got some pretty amazing kids. In fact, I wanna be like them when I grow up. I suppose that means I did my job as a parent, for the most part anyway. It's still hard when they are going through difficult times. But you know, you just gotta trust that you raised them right even when things aren't going so great. And know that you taught them to trust God no matter what.
I think moms have the most difficult times when grown up kids are going through confusing times. Knowing your kids are hurting and you just can't do anything but listen and wait til you know they want you to respond is a difficult tight rope to walk. Recently I was reminded that my kids belong to God. If I trust Him to take care of me, I'm pretty sure I can trust Him to take care of my kids too.
COMPLIMENTS
Several times lately I have received compliments. Very nice compliments. I will confess, I don't know what to do with them. I feel like, if I accept them, I will seem arrogant. Or else the person complimenting me will suddenly yell "psych!" and start laughing at me.
So I've decided to do something about it. Well sometimes anyway. I can smile. And go forward. And be thankful that God is using me to touch the life of someone else. That's the important thing right? Even if they do shout out "psych! gotcha!", at least they got a laugh.
LOOSE ENDS
There have been so many things happen around here in just the last couple of months. Some are done, put away and never to be looked at again. Some are to be remembered fondly. And some still sting a bit. Like how I hate hearing the term 'ex'. I prefer to say 'former'. 'Ex' sounds cheap. I don't consider my past cheap. It cost an awful lot. In fact it's still not paid for and my family will be paying for it from now on in one way or another. But we are learning. And we are growing. It's no longer one step forward and two steps back. It's more like 3 steps forward and one step back. So that's progress!
But there are some loose ends that we can tie up. We've discussed some of those. And some I've been praying about. And thought about. And prayed about some more before I move forward with tying up those loose ends. But I am very confident those lose ends will be tied up.
FEELING LEAD
What does it all come down to today? Feeling lead. How do we know if we are 'lead'? It will be according to God's Word. It will be for His glory. And it will be for our good. Even if it looks like the complete opposite at first. We gotta trust Him. And make sure, when we are feeling lead, that He is the One doing the leading.
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