Therefore, I am working hard to realize that my healing is just as important as anyone else's. That, if I need to say it here and that gets me one step closer to where I need to be, then so be it. I don't need to apologize for it. I need to take care of me for a change. Because, when I take care of me, my kids do better as well. And just maybe, I hope and pray, something I've gone through will help someone else.
****Possible trigger warning for those with with PTSD or trauma related conditions. This blog is not suitable for children. It is a very serious topic and might be hard for some to read.****
It's Time Again
Welling up inside to the point of drowning, there are some things it's time to get out...again. My heart is actually pounding as I type this. But I know it has to be done. Now.
It's time again. But this time it's even more personal. I can't share names. I won't share names. It would hurt too many people and stir up things from as far back as over 50 years ago. But my heart is really pounding now so I've gotta start this.
When did it actually start? The cheating I mean. I've recently been told by one of his former co-workers that it was going on almost 25 years ago. I didn't have a clue. I was told that he would go to one job and 'complain' how the women he saw during the course of the day on his other job would 'use' him sexually. One man apparently got tired of it and told him basically he was telling it backwards.
I remember one day in particular when he stopped by our house during his day on his other job. We hadn't been arguing. As far as I knew, all was well. I just wanted a simple kiss. But he kept trying to keep his face away from me. He said he had been in convenience stores and his mustache smelled like smoke (smoking was allowed in certain places back then). I told him I didn't care and just wanted a kiss. I never told him what I tasted. But is was apparent he had been with another woman prior to coming home.
Was that when it started though? A co-worker at that job told me how he and another man would brag at the end of the day about the number of women they had had on their work route. The other guys knew he was married and had small children. One man tried to tell me what he was doing. But the mention of that man brought disgust from him. So I chose to believe the one I had pledged my life to and not the one who told me the same type of thing I was hearing from others.
What about that time he was in another city for almost 2 weeks for training? We were newlyweds. I couldn't wait to see him when I picked him up at the airport. Of course I had wonderful romantic ideas of how it should be. But it was nothing like that at all. Married 4 and a half months and he barely looked at me. In fact, he looked right over me like he was looking for someone else. Walked next to me but that was about it. A quick peck on the lips, or half way on the lips, and let's go home. And once there, he treated me nothing like a bride. Yes that was over 28 years ago. But it hurt my heart. Why didn't he cherish me? It was all about him.
Christmas happened a couple of days later. Then he was off again, out of town for a few days. This time driving. More classes and a test. And the first time I knew he disappeared. Calls to his hotel room. Calls to the police in that city to see if there had been an accident. Something had to be wrong. Hours later he called. Excuse after excuse. Drinks with another guy in the class because the guy told him he needed to forget me. Needed to forget me!!!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!! Then he said he turned his ankle going back to his car and had trouble driving back to his hotel. Said it took him a very long time. I don't know...........
Whenever it started, it was wrong. But, somehow, he's always found a way to blame me. Never himself. Occasionally he blamed someone else. Like the time he blamed the husband of the woman because the husband wouldn't get a better job. Somehow he felt it was his duty to have sex with the man's wife because the man didn't have a good enough job to suit the wife. Crazy thing, the woman's husband was the maintenance man at the assisted living facility where my mother in law lived so this woman's husband saw us and could do nothing about it. Poor guy. Plus, he was well known for sleeping with the CNAs at the facility too. (I can completely understand the humility felt by that poor maintenance man, knowing the same man was sleeping with the Certified Nurses Assistants he worked with and with his wife.) How embarrassed I was after my mother in law no longer lived there and I was told about it by a resident who had known me for years. So, every time I was there taking care of my mother in law, they all knew. I didn't but they did.
It's hard. Part of my anxiety comes from knowing that there have been so many women. As many as I'm aware of, I know there are more. He was on dating websites as a single and as a swinger. I don't understand. How could anybody live that way and then come home to his family and pretend to be normal? His disappearing had become a way of life for us. So, when he was home, we were thrilled, relieved, and happy. Even if it was only for a short time.
Patterns appeared at times. If the kids and I were at church on Wednesday night, he would come home while we were gone, get his clean clothes, and leave before we got back. There is no telling how many times I've come home, headed straight for his underwear and sock drawers, and counted to see how many were there. I became an expert in inventorying his clothing.
There was never a care for what it did to any of us. Lies. Cheating. Cheating on the ones he was cheating on me with. Can I back this up with fact? Yes. And my heart is still pounding.
So here it goes. When I was a young child, I was molested by someone. That is what I will not go into detail about now. But I told him about it and how it bothered me at times. Certain things he wanted to do or wanted me to do for him. I had suffered trauma. Sometimes he would do something that would trigger memories. I couldn't get him to understand that. I've even kicked him away from me when those memories hit me. He didn't like that. Didn't understand. Didn't care.
A caring person would show compassion. Love. Concern. Patience. Instead he ridiculed me. Accused me of pretending he was that person who molested me and accusing me of wanting him to be that person! It makes me sick just thinking about it. How could anybody be so cruel? I don't understand. Especially being that cruel to someone they vowed to love and protect. It hurts. It just hurts to a depth I don't know that I could ever explain.
Shame. It didn't matter to him if I was comfortable physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally. He was going to do what he was going to do. And if I didn't agree and let him do what he wanted or do what he told me to do, he informed me I didn't care about him. That I was not taking care of my man.
Often he would say that it was just us and I should want to please him. I don't understand how it was just us when he was with so many others during the same time frame. How did he block them out? They had come to my door, harassed me on social media and even at my job. I even found out that my daughter and I sat behind one at a wedding. The ones I knew about popped up in my head many times when we were alone together. So how on this earth was it just us???
He forced me. Yes. I said it. I may get it trouble for saying it. I don't know. And that's not the word I would prefer to say here but that's how I'm going to say it for now. But it happened many, many times. I would tell him no and he would anyway. One time was at his work. There was no door on the room. I told him no. He pulled me behind a chair. I kept telling him no. He kept going. I was afraid to fight him off too loudly because his co-workers were just outside, on the other side of the wall. I could hear their voices at times. There was no way for me to stop him. I tried. And I've tried reporting it but no one wanted to listen.
For the last several years it happened more often than not. He was so forceful that I would have physical issues for several days afterwards. Not to mention the STDs. Repeated STDs. He has accused me many times of getting them from someone else. I don't understand. How could he accuse me when he knows what he has done? I've only been with him.
He filed for divorce almost 2 years ago. I didn't know. He had said he was going to but he had said that off and on anyway. So I didn't know. He came home like all was well. Slept with me. The usual force that I had, somehow, grown to consider 'normal' even though it was miserable. I found out about 10 days later that he had filed. But he continued to come home. In fact, he came home more after he filed than he did before.
He didn't want emotions involved. Just physical. And he wanted me to say words I refuse to say. I had TV Guardian when my kids were little so they wouldn't even hear inappropriate language. So he knew I wasn't a fan of that kind of language. But he kept saying "it's just you and me" and would try to force me to say that word. He wouldn't call it love making. He just wanted me to use that word. Call it that word. I wouldn't.
It's been a year this month since the last time that happened. I got very sick afterward and had to be treated with medication. He tried to get me to be with him after that. I had excuses. About 6 or 7 months ago he asked me if I realized we would never lay together that way again. I don't remember my answer. And, after that, he turned it around on me and told me he was the one not interested in me.
I used to dread the thought of never having physical relations again. But, since I've realized the abuse I've been through all these years....abuse done by the person who was supposed to take care of me to the point of giving his very life....I can very easily say that I don't mind it a bit. It is better to be alone and not abused than to live like that. I'm so thankful I know that now.
I still suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD. But I'm getting better! And I'm still married. I'm not sure why. But I'm trying to leave it all in God's hands.
My heart is still pounding because I know I have to proofread this now. And that's like reliving it all over again. But it will be ok. It's already better. Just getting it out in words.
No comments:
Post a Comment