Then I learned something. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" really isn't enough. You see, there is a difference in remorse over being caught and remorse that leads to repentance. If someone is just sorry because they got caught, they will figure out a way to do it again and hide it even better. If they are sorry and truly repent, they turn around, moving completely in the other direction in an effort to never do that same hurtful thing again.
I don't mean for this to be dark or sad. But I sure hope it can help somebody. These days I am constantly reminded that what the devil meant for evil, God is using for good! While I have had some really amazing days lately, there have been many over the years that were not so good.
You see, a few months ago I came to the end of my rope. After many many years of trying to right wrongs that weren't mine to right, I suddenly realized that I had become an enabler to my own abusers and accusers. I tried to set the right example. And pray for those people. But I got lost in the process. Almost to the point of disappearing.
After being diagnosed with PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder, I will admit I heard the words but they didn't sink in. It took a while. In fact there are days I still don't know that I really 'get it'. Sometimes I can't walk through a store alone or without at least having someone on the phone while I shop. I was never that way before. But some days now I smile and it comes from deep inside! I like those days.
One of the things I was instructed to do on my path to healing was to get mad. Wow. All these years I've been practicing NOT getting mad and now I'm supposed to get mad? How? I can't do that. But you know, the Bible does mention getting angry but not sinning. Could I do that? I don't know. I just don't know....
Then something happened. But first, let me tell you about the funny mama and baby hippopotamuses my kids got me for my birthday! When my middle son and I saw this adorable statue at Pier 1 about a month ago, I couldn't stop laughing! Partly because of it's a ridiculous price. And partly because they just were so cute! He snap chatted mom cracking up uncontrollably in public at these hippos. So of course when my birthday rolled around, nothing would do but for the kids get me these adorable hippos.
Now for some reason I did not realize that hippos were some of the world's most vicious predators. So after I was informed this I started thinking. I'm like a mama hippo! And you had better not mess with one of my babies.
Later that weekend, when I felt like my babies were under attack, the mama hippo inside me came out. I got mad. Boy did I get mad. And I attacked! I'm a mama hippo! Watch out! Wow. Who would ever think that that would be healing!
Did I feel remorse? Well it started to creep in. Then I remembered the truth. I am important to God. So are my kids. While I am to strive to be like the Lord, I'm reminded that He got angry once too. And He even expressed frustration. But He also forgives and moves forward. And for that I am completely grateful. I'm also enjoying being a mama hippo.
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