Knowing What's Real

     So recently I started a new phase of life.  Not one I chose.  Not one I wanted.  But one I have just the same.  Sometimes the thoughts I deal with are really deep and I have to grab a life preserver.  Usually a prayer, a deep breath and a song or scripture.  God is always there and I'm very thankful for the ways He expresses His love for me.
     One of the things I have realized the last few days as a part of these deep thoughts is that I've never known the man I thought I was in love with for over half my life.  I don't know why it took me this long to see it, other than the fact that I was trying so hard to let my kids have a complete home with both mom and dad so I ignored what was going on.  I did try hard.  I pulled out the little bit of good and clung to it while discarding the bad.  I just knew the bad would go away.  But it didn't.  Not yet anyway.
     In an effort to keep my family in one piece, I believed his lies.  When he said he was working extra, I believed him.  There were times truth came out and we found out that he was not anywhere near work, but somehow it always became my fault.  I don't know why or how.  But it did.
     Last night it hit me hard that I had spent almost every Saturday night lonely for most of our marriage.  But he wasn't alone.  He was in his other life.  Not answering our calls or texts.  But being a different person than the one I knew.  Than the one I married.  Than the one I had kids with.  Than the one who had promised to love and cherish me and be faithful to me as long as we lived.  But I was lonely.  My husband wasn't home or even reachable.  I would become distraught.  Upset.  There was nothing I could do.  I didn't fit in with single friends and I didn't fit in with married friends.  Limbo.  That's what he kept me in for SO MANY YEARS.
     I suppose some women might drown their loneliness in Lifetime movies.  I couldn't.  They hit way too close to home.  In fact, with all the crazy stalking, cheating, lying and harassment I've dealt with over the years, not to mention his excuses for cheating, I'm sure I could write a much better movie than any of those anyway.  Probably a whole series of movies.
     So this man I thought I loved.  I know now that he never really existed.  The man I loved was kind.  He loved the Lord.  He put his family first and himself last.  Now I see that what I saw was just a mask.  In fact, there were many masks, depending on who was around.  Perhaps that's why I was always so uncomfortable around him.  Somehow I always knew deep down.
     Realizing this week that the man I loved never even existed, like a character in a movie or TV show that a teenager falls for......  Like the characters in a soap opera that a little old lady considers her friends.  He never really existed.  It was a character.  A 'part'.  A mask.  Realizing this has made me sad.  But has also released me in a way.
     I guess it may seem strange unless you've walked in shoes just like mine, but now I'm in the process of figuring out what IS real.  There are some things I know for sure.  I know that my God is real.  What He has done for me is real.  That my kids are amazing and I am so truly blessed to be their mom.
     That it's ok that I love my dog, and in fact, I currently have a second fur baby sleeping on the sofa next to me.  And that's just fine.  I'm finding out that my opinion matters.  That I am not the cause of any man's woes.  That anyone who blames me is wrong.  That, while I have been abused in horrible ways for many years, it is my decision what I do from now on.  I no longer will be a victim.  And I will teach my kids to not be victims either.
     I know that the joy people tell me they see on my face is real.  That it comes from truly trusting the Lord.  I know that I am truly a child of God.  And that Philippians 4:13 is REAL!  I really CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me!