All these years of hiding things. Like that I got turned in repeatedly for child abuse by a woman who lost custody of her child because she abused or allowed abuse of another child. I would be the first to say I'm not the perfect mom. But I did absolutely nothing to deserve that. Unfortunately it started a pattern though.
I was afraid. Constantly afraid of someone judging how I raised my kids. Constantly afraid of someone misunderstanding something I did and thinking I was hurting my kids. Constantly afraid another lie would be told about me and my babies would be gone.
One time it happened when I was almost 7 months pregnant. It was told that I had hurt one of our children. His other mom reported it, an investigation happened at school and in my home. I guess you can imagine by now that the 'head of household' did nothing to help. He didn't get investigated. He didn't show up when the investigation was going on. He didn't comfort me. He did nothing. In fact he tried to always not be home when this child was picked up and dropped off by the other mom who repeatedly reported me for abuse.
So, when the new baby was born, I continued to think, in the back of my mind, that someone could come in and take him and the other boys and there would be nothing I could do about it. I lived in constant fear of losing all my kids.
So, when the new baby was born, I continued to think, in the back of my mind, that someone could come in and take him and the other boys and there would be nothing I could do about it. I lived in constant fear of losing all my kids.
None of that mattered to him. But when he was accused of abuse years later, he immediately got an attorney. And he claimed that the reason he lived with one woman was because he was concerned she would lie about him in that situation and he would lose his job. Wow. His job. Not his kids. His job. And we were all supposed to understand that this was the reason he was with that woman part of the time. We were supposed to understand and accept it. Seriously.
He was little in child raising too. Never disciplining when it was needed. Ignoring when something happened right in front of him. Taking the side of the child and never standing with me to the point that it was hurting everyone in the family. In fact I found him playing alone behind closed doors with the child I had asked him to discipline instead of taking care of the issue. But I couldn't say anything. Of course that made things worse because that child would intentionally cause trouble so that he could have one on one play time. And if I said anything about it, I was the bad guy and a liar. Caused division in the family. Hurt the feelings of the other kids. But he didn't care.
Once I saw the child I was accused of abusing pinch his little sister on the back of her diaper. I was the only one who saw it. So I couldn't say a word to the 'adult'. It was Father's Day and he had dramatically walked out on us the night before Mother's Day. (In fact he's done all he could to make almost every Mother's Day miserable for many years. But that's for another time.) Anyway, I had to make a choice. The baby didn't cry so she must not have felt it through her diaper. If I said something, an argument would have started and he would have taken that one child and left. It wouldn't have been fair to the other kids since they were already cheated on time with him. So I kept the secret. But no more. I'm not afraid anymore.
There was another time he knocked me down from behind. The manly thing to do, right? I was walking away and he knocked me down. I didn't report him at all. But apparently my doctor did. I got the blame. He was cheating, lying, hiding from his own wife and kids and living like a rebellious teenager, but I got the blame. I went to the doctor because of pain from the fall. I didn't turn him in or tell others. But I'm not keeping that secret anymore. It was wrong. Completely wrong.
Have you heard that new song "Fear Is a Liar"? Hits the nail on the head. Fear tells us to be ashamed and afraid. It steals our happiness. But you know what? No more! You gotta hear this song!
Fear kept me from saying anything when the pair of women's undies fell out of his uniform as he hung it up in our closet about two years ago. I started to say something but he knew how to shut me up. He was going to leave if I accused him of anything and he claimed he had no idea how those got there! He had no clue who they belonged to. Right.......
Fear kept me from reporting the truth when he shoved me from behind when I was carrying my infant daughter and her head hit the concrete wall. I was, once again, afraid my kids would be taken from me. What if people didn't believe me that he shoved me? I was the one who had been reported for abuse over and over. Unfounded every time. But still. And a real man would have not only taken responsibility but would have gone to the doctor with us and made sure she and I were ok. Instead, he didn't check on her and disappeared the next day and even now says I fell on purpose.
Fear kept me from reporting him for repeated rape. Fear kept me from telling him no when he shamed me into doing things I was extremely uncomfortable doing both physically and emotionally.
I kept all those things secret. I hid them out of fear. But no more! I did nothing wrong. Sometimes fear said I did. But fear is a liar! No more fear. No more secrets. No more living in lies. Every time I say I'm happy something crazy happens. But I'm not afraid of that anymore either. Because today I am smiling. I danced to the music at work and even sang loudly enough they probably heard me from my office! I don't care. I had a good day. Freedom is within reach. And I am truly happy. And I plan to keep telling those secrets until freedom is truly mine.
He was little in child raising too. Never disciplining when it was needed. Ignoring when something happened right in front of him. Taking the side of the child and never standing with me to the point that it was hurting everyone in the family. In fact I found him playing alone behind closed doors with the child I had asked him to discipline instead of taking care of the issue. But I couldn't say anything. Of course that made things worse because that child would intentionally cause trouble so that he could have one on one play time. And if I said anything about it, I was the bad guy and a liar. Caused division in the family. Hurt the feelings of the other kids. But he didn't care.
Once I saw the child I was accused of abusing pinch his little sister on the back of her diaper. I was the only one who saw it. So I couldn't say a word to the 'adult'. It was Father's Day and he had dramatically walked out on us the night before Mother's Day. (In fact he's done all he could to make almost every Mother's Day miserable for many years. But that's for another time.) Anyway, I had to make a choice. The baby didn't cry so she must not have felt it through her diaper. If I said something, an argument would have started and he would have taken that one child and left. It wouldn't have been fair to the other kids since they were already cheated on time with him. So I kept the secret. But no more. I'm not afraid anymore.
There was another time he knocked me down from behind. The manly thing to do, right? I was walking away and he knocked me down. I didn't report him at all. But apparently my doctor did. I got the blame. He was cheating, lying, hiding from his own wife and kids and living like a rebellious teenager, but I got the blame. I went to the doctor because of pain from the fall. I didn't turn him in or tell others. But I'm not keeping that secret anymore. It was wrong. Completely wrong.
Have you heard that new song "Fear Is a Liar"? Hits the nail on the head. Fear tells us to be ashamed and afraid. It steals our happiness. But you know what? No more! You gotta hear this song!
Fear kept me from saying anything when the pair of women's undies fell out of his uniform as he hung it up in our closet about two years ago. I started to say something but he knew how to shut me up. He was going to leave if I accused him of anything and he claimed he had no idea how those got there! He had no clue who they belonged to. Right.......
Fear kept me from reporting the truth when he shoved me from behind when I was carrying my infant daughter and her head hit the concrete wall. I was, once again, afraid my kids would be taken from me. What if people didn't believe me that he shoved me? I was the one who had been reported for abuse over and over. Unfounded every time. But still. And a real man would have not only taken responsibility but would have gone to the doctor with us and made sure she and I were ok. Instead, he didn't check on her and disappeared the next day and even now says I fell on purpose.
Fear kept me from reporting him for repeated rape. Fear kept me from telling him no when he shamed me into doing things I was extremely uncomfortable doing both physically and emotionally.
I kept all those things secret. I hid them out of fear. But no more! I did nothing wrong. Sometimes fear said I did. But fear is a liar! No more fear. No more secrets. No more living in lies. Every time I say I'm happy something crazy happens. But I'm not afraid of that anymore either. Because today I am smiling. I danced to the music at work and even sang loudly enough they probably heard me from my office! I don't care. I had a good day. Freedom is within reach. And I am truly happy. And I plan to keep telling those secrets until freedom is truly mine.
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